Friday, July 12, 2013

what the heck happened to me?

last week, I had a conversation with my friend about how I used to "love journalling and writing". the conversation came about because i had a book of mine in my hand that i was going to lend to another friend. the book was about being in the wilderness.

inside the book, i had a gajillion notes written on the margins.  i read the words i scribbled.... words that echoed once in my heart.... i could still feel the raw emotions i felt 6 years ago when i penned those words....

after reading the notes, i thought to myself.... "wow, I used to write and journal with such a passion.... what the heck happened to me?"

it's been a week since that conversation happened and I'm still pondering over that question.... 

What happened to me?
What happened to the old me that used to love to express my thoughts in words and pictures?

this blog was once filled with my heart poured out in words as i wrestled through the wilderness season of my life....

this blog was once filled with things i was passionate about...

like being a voice for anti-human trafficking and anti-abuse.
spreading the gospel.
feeding the homeless.
volunteering for different organizations.
helping other women find their dreams and challenging them to run after it.



this blog was once filled with the beautiful journey as a single mom, telling stories of the highs and lows of me and my son's life.

this blog documented my life and the amazing things God was doing in and through me and my family

not that I don't do those things or feel that way anymore anymore....in fact i think the things are happening in my life right now are showing God's glory and miracle in my life even at a greater capacity...

but somehow the writing stopped.

in the midst of getting married.
working at church. meeting with people. telling others about God.
having a brand new baby who demands my constant attention.
cleaning, cooking, cleaning again, folding laundry, etc etc.

i made excuses like "im too busy" or "I have no time to write".

I even said things like "blogging is dead", "only those that blog are the ones who make money off of it",  "who needs to write, everyone and their mom seems to be writing a book these days... what do I have to say that's different from them? "

i even used "writer's block" as an excuse....as if I'm really a freakin' writer....helllluuuuuur Patricia.... get your ass out of the clouds and back to reality....

honestly....i don't even journal my devotion thoughts nor do I do s.o.a.p., s.p.a. or any kind of writing anymore.

the reality is....

i became too lazy to write and journal..... (truth be told, i was definitely busier when I was a single mom.) in that process of laziness and busy-ness.... I somehow lost a part of me. The ability to express was taken away....

That's when I realized that writing and journaling was more for me than for others.

i didn't write to get noticed or be heard...(obviously, coz my grammar is so not the business). i wrote on this blog and in my journals because my heart needed an outlet. My heart needs a space to tell stories or vent, to blab, to cry, to celebrate and rejoice.

my heart needs this. I need this. 

i'm hoping that this recent epiphany will give me enough reason to follow through with journaling my devotions. This time around, I hope to allow myself the time to sit and be vulnerable to share my heart in words once again.

I hope that as I take time to journal and write and create, I will find that part of myself that i feel like i lost...coz i need that part of me back.