Friday, May 24, 2013

when real life gets in the way of dreams.

"don't you hate when real life gets in the way of our virtual one?" - my friend, kristin tweeted that to me a couple of days ago...

and that's exactly what has been happening to this blog.




the silence on this blog is exactly opposite of what has been happening with my life. this is the first time in almost 3 months that i am sitting in a coffee shop by myself with NO KIDS. NO HUSBAND. NO FRIENDS. 

it's just me. myself. and i. and it is quite refreshing.

in between the last post i wrote back in january (i know...what a slacker huh?) and now, i have been hella busy. i got into a car accident which left me and my husband slightly injured...aaaand i gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. all the while trying to maintain the things that i have already been doing.

OVERFLOW was my #oneword365 for the year... and it truly is overflowing. the blessings have been good. very good.

yet in times of must know the priorities to focus on.

and there has been a wrestling in my soul. it's almost like a fight inside of me to know the right priorities and to know which desires and dreams to die to in this season.

it's been painful trying to decipher which things should be put on the back burner for now and which ones God has thrust onto the front burner of my life. one of those things i am wrestling with is this writing thing. i LOVE pouring out my heart onto this blog and sharing the journey God has and is bringing me through and to but i haven't really been a good steward of it.

for a season, i was considering shutting this blog down (but decided not to for now). the only reason this blog still gets hits is coz of those stupid a** spamcommenters. the thought not writing breaks my heart. i have been writing (on xanga and on this blog) since 2004-05. i took the time to build relationships with readers and network to make new friends in the bloggosphere. and suddenly, it. all. stopped.

for seasons of my life, i really believed (and still do) that i would be able to write a book and speak to women.  i don't really have a desire to become this big shot author/speaker. i just want to write and speak and share my journey to others in hope that they fall in love my God because of my stories. i used this blog as an avenue to proclaim His praises and share stories of the beautiful miracles that God has done in my life.

but having extra time to write isn't a commodity that i have right now. not especially with my newborn (well, she's 10 weeks old). sooooo writing...and running after my dream to speak and encourage women, it seems is once again being laid down in the altar. and i am having to die to those dreams once again.

and it freakin' sucks
it's painful to do so.

God truly has "crowned the year with bountiful harvest. even the hard pathways overflow with abundance" - psalm 65:11. there has been an overflow of blessings. being a mom to my baby girl and my almost teenage boy and supporting my husband is my major role for this season. my family is my greatest treasure and they are my top priority. that, making disciples and spending the little extra time i have with friends and doing what i can to help this church -  i know these are on the top lists of priorities. chasing after the dream of writing will have to take back seat for now. which means the blog will be updated sparsely. and that means networking and connecting and encouraging other writers/bloggers and reading their work is also something i cannot do a lot for now.

dying after personal dreams sucks. but i know that in due season (hopefully sooner than later) God will resurrect them....

maybe choosing to die to this for now will produce even more harvest as i choose to sow into the lives of the next generation (starting in my own home) and to the lives of others. i sure hope so anyway.

"unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. but if it dies, it produces many seeds" - john 12:24