Sunday, June 3, 2012

Emergency room, ear and heart infections, real housewives of Atlanta and getting rest.

One week ago, we made a trip to the ER to bring my son in coz he had severe ear pain. His ear was so swollen that they had to prick something in order for pus to come out. He was in so much in pain that he couldn't even more his head coz he felt the side of his head throbbing. I find it ironic that the same sickness i had battled with when I first got to Hawaii, he is now battling after ending my season as a missionary for the church. The enemy is a punk and he annoys me so.

He was swimming almost everyday enjoying his summer break with his grandma, cousin and auntie and developed swimmers ear in the process. He just wanted to be with family. He just wanted to enjoy every moment with them coz he missed them so much that it makes him cry when he thinks of home. So having them for the week was like heaven for him. But swimming in the waters caused bacteria to form in his ear. What's worst is that the pressure in his ear caused him to have slight vertigo of some sort. And he vomits everything he eats and drinks.

He has been needy and emotional. He is sick and wants my undivided and constant attention. So I give it to him and more. I have to feed him, bathe him, help him with everything coz he cant move. Today, he still lies in bed resting. It's been a week. He has vomited every day since then. My hope is that he will hold everything down so he won't have to hurl at all today. My hope is that he finds enough rest and regains enough strength to be him again. The boy who is passionate, the boy who has so much life, the boy who will find a way to make everyone around him smile just because.

His sickness reminds me of my heart at this season. Lots of factors came into play these past few years and especially in recent months and my heart feels extremely sick. My heart feels lost. My heart feels tired and worn out and confused. I'm dizzy and don't really know which way to go and I feel like I'm being pulled at every direction but i also feel like im stuck in one place. And everything I know and heard and was spoken, I just want to VOMIT it all out of my system in order to get the toxins out of my head. 

The pressure makes me so nauseous that i just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Just like my son, I favor to be in the company of my family so much that my heart breaks just thinking about it. But I also know that God has called us to swim in the waters of these islands and make this place our home. You have to understand that these waters, once you've gone past the "point of aloha", aren't as friendly as people make it out to be. I have yet to talk to a person who moved here but didn't grow up here and not share the same observation that I have. It seems like its more a spiritual battle than a physical one. What can I say, Hawaii loves tourists, just dont come here and stay, coz the vibe completely turns around.

In the process of getting acclimated, i have also gotten jaded.I have been needy and emotional and have been a baby in the arms of my Father who sees all and knows all. I pray my heart doesn't become completely jaded to the point of unbelief. Something happened to me and now the thought of running after the dreams that God has put in my heart doesn't sound like a good idea anymore. After 9 years of struggling and living a hard life, willing to overcome anything to chase after things that God has put in my heart, I told my husband and my friend that I didn't want to do it anymore. Forget wanting to write books, forget wanting to stop sexual abuse and human trafficking. Forget wanting to tell others about the love of Christ. Forget about wanting to help the local churches because churches have more drama in them than the real housewives of Atlanta. And we all know RHOA are a hot mess!

Forget it all. I wanted to give up and quit and just work at my favorite target or starbucks joint. I will probably make more money, not have to live by faith every month and wait for ministry partners to send their donations to support me, not knowing how much i will be receiving that month and face much less drama. And this is coming from me - the big dreamer. that would be the easiest route. But i know God has never called me to do easy.

So today, as i rest in bed with my son, my hope for my son is the same hope i have for my heart. I pray that God would remind me of His dreams inside of me. That He would revive and breathe life into me once again. My hope is that i find enough rest and regain enough strength to be "me" again. The woman who is passionate, the woman who has so much life, the woman who dreams big dreams and wants to help change the world, because her Daddy told her so, the woman who will find a way to make everyone around her smile just because.

For now, I rest in the arms of my Father, just like Christian chose to hold John's hand when the pain was too much... and feed off of his daddy's strength when he had none of his own. For now, for this week, before i start the school of ministry, I am going to rest. I dont want to give anything, I don't even want to move, I don't want to pour out my heart in service and prayer and encouragement. I just want to be in a place to receive His grace and His love, His healing power. I just want to be in a place where I receive more of Him.

Because sometimes being still in His presence is exactly what the Great Physician is ordering for us to do.