Wednesday, May 30, 2012

I miss home so much it makes my heart ache. #fb

My mom, my sister & my nephew are flying back to LA this morning. This week was a MUCH needed time with them. In the midst of a confusing transition, their hugs have been a safe place. In the midst of not being sure who I can trust, their shoulders became a place to catch my tears. They have been a solace for my heart. And I want so badly to go back with them. I miss my family & friends so much it makes my heart ache :( 

Giving up being with family & those dear to you for the sake of the gospel is a hard pill to swallow. I have to constantly remind myself why God has called me out here in the first place to help anchor my heart down. If not for the fear of the Lord, I would be booking my ticket and flying out my family on the next available flight.... Especially now. Especially in this season, at this exact time. 

It would be easier for me to go back home and leave Hawaii behind. The comfort of friends i can trust, the familiar smiles, the warm hugs, the crazy 405 drivers, the polution, the comfort food of warm portos potato balls, roscoe's chicken and waffles and zangkou chicken. 

I know God isn't calling me to live an easy or safe life. I have been in a constant transition these past 10 months....and my heart is absolutely tired. And worn out. And i feel like screaming my a** off sometimes. Or maybe giving in to turn all "hulk-y" for just one moment (which i know  is not a good thing). In the midst of the completely new season i am facing, my heart is yearning for the old.

I'm trying to remain missional minded despite everything that's been happening. I haven't shared much on here recently and there's a reason why. My heart has been confused and challenged and broken. It's been a tough 10 months out here, and though i am thankful for new relationships i have made, my heart knows that this place is not home. Especially now that push has come to a shove and crap has hit the fan and true colors are being shown. I don't do BS well... In fact I have very low tolerance for it. And there's been a lot of that lately. I can smell it. It's as smelly as my nephew's poopy diaper.

All that makes me want to run to the comfort of those who know me well.... to those who know my heart. To those who know that i gave up what was comfortable and "safe" for me to obey God and be used by Him to help change the world, even if it wasn't easy. Those people who supported me not just with love and prayers but finances and encouragement, because they believed in me and the dreams God has put inside of me. People like family. Like my smallgroup. People like my girlfriends. Like my sisters. People like spiritual family.

But they aren't here. So I run to the safest place I have here. Into the arms of very selected friends that i trust. in the arms of the two men who love me the most. and especially into the arms of my Father, my Rock, the ONE who sees and who knows everything... especially how much my heart is hurting right now.

I wanna go home to the comfort of the familiar. But since I cannot go back "home" to LA physically for now, i know i need to go back "home" spiritually. Home to the ministry that I have been a part of for 12 years. A ministry that discipled me, corrected me, rebuked me, encouraged me, trained me and launched me. Maybe in that familiar setting, i can find some sense of direction as to why I am out here once again.

I wish I had a clear reason right now why God is still calling me out here. Right now everything is vague. Right now, I'm taking one small step at a time in trying to figure it out. All my husband and I know is that this season we need to get further training from other seasoned ministers and teachers to grow as leaders. But I also know how desperately my heart needs to be at home in a "familiar" place. A familiar spiritual family.

I know God never calls us to live a safe, easy or comfortable life. I dont know how long or short God is calling me and my family out here for. All i know is that God still has something for me to do here. I'm here because I know God still has something for me to learn. I'm here because He has called me to be here and for however long (or short) that season is, I choose to follow and obey, even when it hurts. Even when it's not easy. Even when it makes my heart ache. Because in the end, it's never about my feelings, instead, it's about being obedient to His call. 

So I say goodbye to my family with an aching heart and grit my teeth and continue to do the work He has sent me out here to do. I will be counting down the days when i can be with my family and friends this July - to receive the hugs, hear the laughter and see all the roadraged people in the 405 give me the finger when i cut them off in the freeway. :) how FUN! Somehow the middle finger has a more snazzy attitude to it than the shaka...and it gives me warm fuzzies just thinking about it. ;)