Wednesday, May 30, 2012

I miss home so much it makes my heart ache. #fb

My mom, my sister & my nephew are flying back to LA this morning. This week was a MUCH needed time with them. In the midst of a confusing transition, their hugs have been a safe place. In the midst of not being sure who I can trust, their shoulders became a place to catch my tears. They have been a solace for my heart. And I want so badly to go back with them. I miss my family & friends so much it makes my heart ache :( 

Giving up being with family & those dear to you for the sake of the gospel is a hard pill to swallow. I have to constantly remind myself why God has called me out here in the first place to help anchor my heart down. If not for the fear of the Lord, I would be booking my ticket and flying out my family on the next available flight.... Especially now. Especially in this season, at this exact time. 

It would be easier for me to go back home and leave Hawaii behind. The comfort of friends i can trust, the familiar smiles, the warm hugs, the crazy 405 drivers, the polution, the comfort food of warm portos potato balls, roscoe's chicken and waffles and zangkou chicken. 

I know God isn't calling me to live an easy or safe life. I have been in a constant transition these past 10 months....and my heart is absolutely tired. And worn out. And i feel like screaming my a** off sometimes. Or maybe giving in to turn all "hulk-y" for just one moment (which i know  is not a good thing). In the midst of the completely new season i am facing, my heart is yearning for the old.

I'm trying to remain missional minded despite everything that's been happening. I haven't shared much on here recently and there's a reason why. My heart has been confused and challenged and broken. It's been a tough 10 months out here, and though i am thankful for new relationships i have made, my heart knows that this place is not home. Especially now that push has come to a shove and crap has hit the fan and true colors are being shown. I don't do BS well... In fact I have very low tolerance for it. And there's been a lot of that lately. I can smell it. It's as smelly as my nephew's poopy diaper.

All that makes me want to run to the comfort of those who know me well.... to those who know my heart. To those who know that i gave up what was comfortable and "safe" for me to obey God and be used by Him to help change the world, even if it wasn't easy. Those people who supported me not just with love and prayers but finances and encouragement, because they believed in me and the dreams God has put inside of me. People like family. Like my smallgroup. People like my girlfriends. Like my sisters. People like spiritual family.

But they aren't here. So I run to the safest place I have here. Into the arms of very selected friends that i trust. in the arms of the two men who love me the most. and especially into the arms of my Father, my Rock, the ONE who sees and who knows everything... especially how much my heart is hurting right now.

I wanna go home to the comfort of the familiar. But since I cannot go back "home" to LA physically for now, i know i need to go back "home" spiritually. Home to the ministry that I have been a part of for 12 years. A ministry that discipled me, corrected me, rebuked me, encouraged me, trained me and launched me. Maybe in that familiar setting, i can find some sense of direction as to why I am out here once again.

I wish I had a clear reason right now why God is still calling me out here. Right now everything is vague. Right now, I'm taking one small step at a time in trying to figure it out. All my husband and I know is that this season we need to get further training from other seasoned ministers and teachers to grow as leaders. But I also know how desperately my heart needs to be at home in a "familiar" place. A familiar spiritual family.

I know God never calls us to live a safe, easy or comfortable life. I dont know how long or short God is calling me and my family out here for. All i know is that God still has something for me to do here. I'm here because I know God still has something for me to learn. I'm here because He has called me to be here and for however long (or short) that season is, I choose to follow and obey, even when it hurts. Even when it's not easy. Even when it makes my heart ache. Because in the end, it's never about my feelings, instead, it's about being obedient to His call. 

So I say goodbye to my family with an aching heart and grit my teeth and continue to do the work He has sent me out here to do. I will be counting down the days when i can be with my family and friends this July - to receive the hugs, hear the laughter and see all the roadraged people in the 405 give me the finger when i cut them off in the freeway. :) how FUN! Somehow the middle finger has a more snazzy attitude to it than the shaka...and it gives me warm fuzzies just thinking about it. ;)

Monday, May 28, 2012

drugged out.

1 kid in pain coz of his ear infection. He's drugged out with codeine. 1 kid drugged out with @ccstorybook's milk. I love these boys. #family #myboys #baby

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Closed door. Open door.

What He opens, no one can close; and what He closes, no one can open: "I know all the things you do, and I have opened a door for you that no one can close. You have little strength, yet you obeyed my word and did not deny me. (Revelation 3:7,8)

Door has been closed. still waiting on that open door. because I know He is always faithful, I wait in peace.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Movie night in the bandroom.

It's movie night in the bandroom. It's the last movie night for the school year. This = perfect movie to watch for all the music lovers and band geeks ;)

I love this movie. Never fails to make me cry.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Beauty in death.

There is solace and beauty even in death. #cemetery

paying respects to mr. felix eder & sharing our sympathy with annie manamtam's family.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

to the one who gave me the title "mommy"

To the one who gave me the title "mommy",

My journey with you has been a beautiful and adventurous one. Thank you for teaching me how to love and how to have fun. I am an extremely blessed mom because I have you as a son. It's such an awesome privilege to know that God has entrusted me to raise a wonderful man and a world changer.

Thank you for being the best kid ever. Seriously. You made the 11 years of being single mother really easy and fun (even if we went through hell together). You are so obedient and considerate and kind and your heart is filled with gratitude and praise, through the good times and even through the bad times (when we were sleeping on sleeping bags or when i couldnt afford to buy us food or buy you candy). 

Even though the world saw me as a strong single mother, you were the one who saw me when i would cry myself to sleep. During those hard days, you would come and hug me and remind me to stop crying and you would whisper: "God is gonna come through for us mommy"... And HE DID!!! Your faith in your DaddyGod inspires me so much.

I pray that i am able to teach you at least half as much as you have taught me. You have brought so much joy to my heart. The day you were born, i received the greatest gift any mother could ever have. I carry the title of "mother" with honor because having a son like you make mothering a such a worthy and beautiful cause.

I love you always, forever. I love you more than you love me.


Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Inspiration from my favorite book and it ain't the bible.

I needed some sort of inspiration today. I am in the middle of a "not-knowing-season" and I hate it. because of that, my mind is fried with the possibilities of what if's and what not's....and it's very tiring.

I decided to go through my box of favorite books to find some inspiration. Maybe some author will be able to amuse me with truths of grace and hope and love and hope even more.

Instead of choosing a christian self help book, i gravitated towards THIS BOOK. When my eyes saw the black cover, i immediately pulled it out and smiled. I found my inspiration :) This is my favorite book. And no it's not the bible (though the bible is my favoritest book... This book comes to a close second) and it does have "god" in the title so maybe it counts for something.

Maybe if I read through the life of don vito, santino, frederico, and michael, I will find inspiration. Maybe it will help me with my organizational and relational skills to keep friends close ;) Maybe it will help me with future strategic planning with different families and organizations within the church ;) Maybe it can help me believe and trust and to not be afraid while I'm in the season of uncertainty because my God Father has everything taken care of and is waiting for His plans to be executed.

Or maybe reading this with a cup of java will provide enough entertainment to help me un-fry my very tired brain.

"Why should I be afraid now? Strange men have come to kill me ever since I was 12 years old" - Don Vito

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Music is his passion - @jcravalho1.

"I was born with music inside me. Music was one of my parts. Like my ribs, my kidneys, my liver, my heart. Like my blood. It was a force already within me when I arrived on the scene. It was a necessity for me-like food or water." - Ray Charles

To my husband,

What ray charles said. That is YOU! Your love for music amazes me. Your love for changing the lives of the next generation inspires me even more. When I see you in your "zone" - whether you are teaching, directing, leading worship, i cant help but smile, because your heart is felt in every note that is played. I also laugh at how ironic it is that God would give you a wife that is completely tone deaf ;)

I am so honored that God allowed me to spend my life with someone like you. I am glad to be able to spend your birthday with you and I get to watch you lead these children in music.

Praying God will continue to surprise you with overflowing blessings this year and in the years to come.

Happy birthday!

Me :)

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Do what you love.

Do what you love. Do you do what you love to do?

I thought I did, but now I'm not so sure. Right now I am at the crossroad of trying to figure out what it is that i actually LOVE to do. Im trying to decipher between the things that I actually love doing vs. the things that I thought I would love to do but now realize how unsure i am in the process of doing it.

This quote comes to mind right now and it's making me wish for the comfort of home: "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

I'm starting to forget the words of the song and I need reminding. It's too bad that most of my friends who know the song in my heart aren't here with me right now :(

Deep down, I'm still hoping God calls me & my family back to LA. The likelihood of that happening soon is pretty slim, but one can always hope. There is solace in the familiar. There is comfort being with people who know you like they are your family. It's been 10 months and I still feel very much alone here. And my heart is starting to forget the words of my heart that once resonated with passion.

For now, I will sing, even if I don't know the lyrics of the dreams in my heart, I can still choose to sing His praises and sing about His dreams. Im hoping that my heart song and His heart song will soon collide and make a beautiful symphony of worship for His name's sake. I'm hoping that as I sing His praises, He will, once again, bring my dreams back to life and remind me of His purposes for me.