Wednesday, April 11, 2012

on losing myself and trying to find me. #oneword365

NEW. i posted my oneword365 back in january 3 of this year. i had no idea what this word would mean in this season of my life. little did i know that my one word would force me to leave every comfort zone i had. (yes, i know force is a very strong word but that is what it feels like). a new land. a new a home. a new church. new dreams. a new family. new friendships and relationships. 

and in the midst of all that "newness"...i felt like i lost me.

for the past 8-9 months, i felt like i just existed here in hawaii. being newly transplanted and then suddenly married, i felt like everything i had was either the "church's" or my "husband's". it was their church. their home. their families. i felt like i was hanging on the coattails of people, networking with their friends and their contacts. please don't get me wrong, i am appreciative of the relationships i built and people i met... but through that process i felt like i lost myself because it was all about them. nothing was "patricia's". it was all someone elses'. and it made me feel alone a lot and it caused me to become a semi-introvert. which for a season was great coz it allowed me some time to learn to leave and cleave and made room in my heart for my husband to become my best friend.

but even in having him and having God there was still a void.
i missed my family. i missed my friends.
i missed ME.

you see, i was comfortable in LA because that was my community. but here, i was a stranger. i was "the new person". and for a long time i felt like i was on the outside looking in. but i know part of the process of finding myself meant having to let go of LA in order for me to be able to begin to build with people that God has called to walk along side of me here in the islands. people that i can call "my" friends. getting planted here in hawaii requires that i step out of my comfort zone and reach out to make new friends.

it's not easy to open my heart to new people and allow myself to be vulnerable, but i know i need it in order to grow, thrive and even survive here in the long run so i can finally begin to call his place "home". it hasn't been the easiest process, because some of those people early on had violated my trust already. some of those people gossiped. some of those people immediately showed how much they didn't like the idea of me being here or even being a part of their lives. some of those people, though unintentional, have already hurt my heart. but through all that, a few of those relationships have bloomed to be the beginning of what it seems like will be great friendships in the long run. they are friends that pray. friends that are willing to grit it out and say the good but also correct the bad that they see in me. friends that encourage the dreams inside of me (and vice versa). friends that i know God has brought in my life to be kindred spirits and covenant relationships.

after 9 months, i feel like i am finally beginning to pick up the pieces of my fragile heart that was lost. now i can finally begin to say that i am beginning to find MY community and MY place here in this new land. these nine months felt like i was in the womb - confined and learning to adjust. but now i feel like it's time to emerge from the "cocoon". this extroverted soul is once again beginning to spread my wings and learn how to fly and be me in this foreign land i now call "home".