Sunday, February 12, 2012

so im in a NEW what? i dont know. #oneword365

it's funny how my #oneword365 always has a way of encouraging me and yet kicking my a** at the same time. that happened to me for BELIEVE. and it's happening again. for the past month, my word NEW had me really excited. but now that things are finally settling in, all of a sudden, the new season that has crept up in my life has got me at a standstill.

while my sister was out here visiting, she said something in passing to me that poked at my heart. she asked me something to this effect: "do i have plans of going back to LA anymore or does this mean that im staying in hawaii for a long time instead"

i had no answers for her.
i still have no answers for that question.
and right now that thought is a bit paralyzing.

now that she's gone and i've had time to ponder, those words have swirled around in my head and it's hitting my heart harder that i thought. when i first came here to hawaii, i thought that i would only stay here for a year or maybe two and come back home. i never thought i would get married here. i never thought that i would have to teach myself to call hawaii home. that was my plan 6 months ago. how quickly those plans have changed. how quickly those plans have come to a halt. how crazy that my life has been altered since then.

im usually one who knows what im supposed to do, or at least hear in my heart what it is God wants me to do. and it's been proven and tested that under whatever circumstance, i stick with what is supposed to be done till i feel God's leading to do otherwise. right now, i have no idea what this next season holds. 

i don't know how long me and my family are supposed to stay out here for. i don't know how long im supposed to be a missionary for. i don't know if this is what i wanna do long term or if it was just something for the season. if i go back to LA and raise support once again, it means i need to be committed to this for another year. is this what God wants or not? i don't know how long my heart can  take being away from my family and those i love for the sake of the gospel.  i don't know what God has planned for this season just yet. i'm in it for the ride but part of me is so unsure that my heart is not at rest. why am i out here again? i don't know if im now supposed to settle my heart to call this place home or still hope in the fact that i might be able to live in LA one day and once again spend holidays and birthdays with my family and friends in LA.

i don't know. 
it's so paralyzing, yet so freeing to say that. 

maybe He isn't revealing much to me because He wants me to learn to trust in the leading of my husband. new season = new lessons. maybe He wants me to be still. maybe He wants me to not be still and actually cause a little ruckus and rock the boat a lil bit ;) maybe He wants me to continue to do what He called me out here to do in the first place. or maybe He is birthing things at such a fast pace and rate that i'm to do more things than what i am currently doing. I. DONT. KNOW.

in the middle of being unsure, im glad i serve in a God who sees all and knows all, and i can rest assured that He has me in the palm of His hand. if He knows the number of hairs on my head and knows when the birds eat and don't eat, then i just have to continue to trust in Him, despite the feeling of unrest in my heart. sometimes there needs to be a space between understanding the now and understanding the future, especially coz this is a new season and i've never been in this situation before (joshua3:4). i need to settle in the fact that i don't have to know. i just have to continue to know Him and know that He will be faithful to reveal His plans at the proper time.

"yet there shall be a space between you and it, about two thousand cubits by measure. Do not come near it, that you may know the way by which you must go, for you have not passed this way before.” -  Joshua 3:4
"my words are of a kind which will be fulfilled in the appointed and proper time." - Luke 1:20
"do not be afraid, i am your shield, your exceedingly great reward" - Genesis 15:1