i found myself in tears as i recited my vows to my husband. as the words "where you will stay, i will stay, your people will be my people, your God will be my God..." came out of my mouth, tears began to flow out of my eyes and i felt a lump in my throat. you see, i kind of understood what those words meant... but my heart wasn't really prepared to face the consequences of the vow that i had just spoken.
ruth is my favorite bible character. God has always used her life story to encourage me to hold on to God no matter how hard circumstances get. everyone who knows me knows how much i love the book of ruth. so i thought it would be fitting and appropriate that I included the famous words she spoke to naomi in my wedding vows as a promise to my husband.
it's been about 2 months since I uttered those vows and now those words are finally settling in. my husband and I have been talking about long term plans and goals these past few weeks... And i was asking him what he thinks God wants for us to do this season of our lives. after much fasting and prayer and seeking God, he finally came to a conclusion and said "I feel like we're supposed to stay here in Hawaii for a season (give or take an X amount of time)".
and as soon as he said that, i felt like my heart dropped. i wanted to be like "huwaaaat?!?! oh hell to the no....who made you the boss of me??...i don't want that plan...i wanna go back home!!!" coz what he said only meant that my plans to go back home in a year or two wasn't going to happen. it means that Christmas and spending holidays with my family won't be an option all the time (since its so expensive to fly out of Hawaii). him saying that means me not being there to see my sister and nephew grow up. let me tell you, it was not easy to hear what he said. but instead of speaking my thoughts, i just looked away and started to cry (yes, very dramatic i know).
see, even if hawaii is a beautiful place with beautiful people.... it is not my home. and moving out here as a missionary brings a level of spiritual warfare that most people don't feel (if you aint a missionary, you probably haz no clue how heavy this feeling is). you can come here as a tourist or even move out here to work and you won't feel it...but come here with an agenda to do God's will and you feel the target on your back (in a spiritual sense). it almost makes you feel like you're unwanted and that you don't belong.
in my heart i said "but this is not what i want God!!! i want what's comfortable for me. i want to be surrounded by the people that know me the most. i want to be in my comfort zone. i want to live at home and follow the plans i had made in my heart to do." BUT instead of getting consolation, God gently whispered to my heart and said "it's not about what you want and your leadership...you aren't a single mom anymore. now you have to take into consideration to choose to follow your husband and his leading." oh my word...i wanted to roll my eyes at God. in fact, i did, then i repented after.
lesson in submission 101 - be careful what you say in your vows. it's easy to make promises. but time will come when those words will be tested. God didn't even wait 2 months before He sent a test my way (God could've atleast give me an adjustment period LOL)! now, i have to learn that my home isn't in LA, instead, home is where my husband is. now i have to learn that it's not about what i want, it's about learning the lesson to submit to someone else's leadership knowing that my husband wants the best for me and our son.
soooooooooooooo, i guess this means i gotta say goodbye to LA in my heart and slowly learn to find my place, my purpose, my niche, my friends and my heart here in the islands - which is now my home away from home. i also have to figure out what this means for me and my family at this season of our lives. aaaaaaand it has taught me a thing or two about words and vows - to be careful with what i say and not to be using God's words in any of my vows coz He will fa'sho hold me accountable to it. ;)
gotta love the married life.