i can so relate to the israelites right now. after a long season of suffering in egypt and the years of breaking and character building in the wilderness, God had finally brought them into their promise land... and instead of rejoicing....what did they end up doing?!?! they wanted to retreat and go back to where they came from.
im sure they saw the fruits and the potential of the promise land.... but the giants in the land scared the living sh*t out of them. i know, just like Joshua, i'm facing my promise land at the moment. i know because that is what God whispered in my heart months even before i left LA. that i would be entering my promise land. and it would be a place of rest. but it would also be a place to conquer.
He wouldn't have called or provided for me to come out here if it wasn't His will. but even in the call and the provision, right now i'm scared sh*tless. i never thought my heart would feel this way. i thought seeing my dreams come to pass would be a good thing that would bring me satisfaction.... but 2 months into this transition and it has already brought about a lot of fears, tears and issues that i never thought i would have to face right away.
for the first 2 months, i wanted nothing more than to go back to Egypt or even the wilderness.... coz though the promise land has abundant fruit... it also has a lot of giants... and some of those giants come with the territory of being in Hawaii and some of those giants are my own personal demons and issues that i have to face. the issues are painful to carry and it's pretty overwhelming when the giants in my heart and giants of the land are teasing and taunting me right in front of my face.
i don't wanna fight my giants. i don't wanna fight other people's giants. there are times when i just wanna curl up into a ball and cry. there are times when i just wanna go home to people who know me and love me the the most.... because here... i really don't know a lot of people and i have to completely trust in God to be my best friend.
but God has been completely faithful... because He knows i can't slay those giants alone. He has shown me that He has orchestrated everything so perfectly that even the church i came from and the church i now belong to, along with the people He has surrounded me with was divinely planned. all the people who choose to support and partner with this mission trip and now every person i've met here that He has brought into my life thus far are here for a specific reason and that they were brought about at the right time.
and though my family and closest friends are in LA, He is now calling me to build my home where i am right now. no more looking back at egypt. no more looking back in the wilderness. He has commanded me to fight the giants here little by little and call hawaii home. He has chosen to surround me with family. He has also chosen to set the lonely in a family, just like He did with ruth. and here in hawaii, my boaz has finally found me. i found family here. and i am lonely no more.
"little by little I will drive your enemies out before you, until you have increased enough to take possession of the land." - Exodus 23:30
a father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families. (ps68:5-6)