Monday, October 3, 2011

allowing my heart to feel again.

i've been really homesick the past few days. my heart is so longing for the comfort of familiar faces and people who know me the most.... yet it wants to be here, in the middle of the new things that are happening....because right now, although a part of my heart is sad that im not in LA... a part of my heart is the happiest its been in a really, really long time. 

let's back track for a minute before i get into the nitty gritty of what God has been doing these past 7.5 weeks. (yes, i haven't even been here for 2 months...crazy huh?!?!) sorry for the long a** post. im playing catch up with the words and posts that have been void in this blog for 2 months. anywhoooo....

i left my family and friends in LA and moved to hawaii with an agenda. a timeline. a plan. i was going to come out to become a missionary here, help the church get back on its feet, reach out to the lost, the hurting and the crazies out here in Hawaii and maybe stay a year or two at the most...then move on to go out change the world. 

i was in love with the thought of reaching and changing the world for God. I was passionate about being used by God to make a difference in people's lives. all i wanted to do was love God and love people. and I was focused and I was determined to do it ALONE.

but God had other plans. He took my agenda, my timeline, my plans and broke them... and He decided that He would make me face my biggest fear ever... all in a span of less than 2 months since I moved here. 

God knew that He had to take me through the process of moving 2500 miles away from my closest family and friends to feel homesick because i thought i never needed anyone by my side. moving here caused me to be somewhat lonely. not somewhat. i actually felt really lonely. i felt like i was on the outside looking in. it was a kind of lonely that i never felt before.

and though i was excited about living my dream of doing ministry and helping the church... even that wasn't enough to satisfy the empty feeling i had in my heart. the reality of being homesick. the current situation at church and how hard it really is to be a missionary - to change culture and the mindset of people. that, alongside dealing with a child who is extremely homesick as well and is having a hard time finding his place here in hawaii. and having to be sensitive to how other people feel with certain personal issues going on has taken a toll on my heart... and my heart has been heavy. and alone. and behind the smiles and laughter i shared on the outside, my heart was screaming with sadness.

and now i understand why God had allowed that to happen.  it's because He wanted to get my attention. He wanted for me to understand the concept of learning to need someone... to be at a  place to teach myself to be vulnerable and scared. He wanted for me to see that i could not do it by myself.

so God decided to bring him along.
 i "met" him 6 years ago through email...but i didn't reply back. LOL
i never thought i'd meet him and real life, or even be my friend.
but God decided to play a funny joke on me.
it happened fast.
too fast for my comfort.
too fast for my liking
maybe even too fast for other's liking. 
but it's what i needed.

because He knows i would've probably packed up sooner than expected and went back home if the guy didn't come at that moment that he did. he wasn't part of my plan. he was the last thing i wanted. i was so determined on remaining single for the rest of my life. yet God thought otherwise. i resisted it, i cursed it, i ran away from it, i tried to hide. but the more i pushed it away, the more God allowed it to happen. it's almost like God has allowed him to see beyond the words that were being spoken, but instead understand my heart. and my heart is a very complicated thing. when he speaks and shares His prayers to me, it's as if God gives him access to my journal and my most private thoughts. and that freaked me out and it continues to freak me out. but that's how i know that this is God.

i thought having a "him" would bring butterflies and flowers and warm fuzzies, just like other people's stories. instead it has opened pandora's box. my own issues and fears are being dealt with. his own issues are being dealt with. my son's issues are being dealt with. there are other people's fears and issues being dealt with as well. a lot of issues. a lot of fears.

it has been a messy and extremely emotional 7.5 weeks, but even in the midst of the challenges and the messy, my heart has never felt this happy and content. i always have joy in God, but right now my heart is actually smiling. it's been about 9 years since i've allowed my heart to feel. i've forgotten how it actually feels like to allow someone into your thoughts. i've forgotten how it feel to let someone hold your hand or allow someone to buy simple things for you that make you smile. and now that the door has been opened, it feels like a part of my heart can actually believe again and live again.

i sat at the park today and i watched him hang out and play basketball with my son. and i couldn't help but smile and be giddy....i'm still scared. but i'd rather do it scared than live bound up in fear for the rest of my life. God has taken my biggest fear and has turned it around to be a source of overwhelming joy.  i don't know how this is going to turn out. i have no clue what God has in store... but at this present moment, i couldn't help but be thankful to Him for knowing better than i. coz in the middle of being really homesick and missing my loved ones,  im grateful that He brought someone along the way that could be a potentially be a life long whom heart can rest and be safe.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. - 1John4:18