Saturday, August 27, 2011

outside looking in and longing to be known.

right now, everything around me is new. new relationships are being built. new locations are being explored. new words are being learned. there are new faces to know. new expressions to be studied. new attitudes to overcome. new quirks to try and understand.

everything is new.

i remember this feeling all too well.... when i was younger, our family constantly moved. we migrated from the philippines to san francisco then back to manila and back to LA again in a span of 15 years. and now i get to re-live it all over again (minus sisters who know you the most). except now, im surrounded by unfamiliarity.

it kinda gets awkward sometimes when you're in a place where everyone else around you knows each other really well and you and your son are the ones who are on the "outside" looking in. don't get me wrong, everyone here has been really sweet and welcoming and i love the hearts of the people that God has surrounded me with. i network with people easily because im a super extroverted social butterfly so it's not hard for me to make friends, but even with that uncanny ability, my heart still realizes how much everything is unfamiliar.

treading into a new territory can often be intimidating and sometimes tiring, just because you really don't know how to "be" just yet. and sometimes your heart longs for the familiar and the known coz there is comfort there.

you try to look for the face of the person that knows you so well that they know how to read your face, your expressions and the meaning behind your tone of voice, but it's not there and you're left with an inside joke with no one to laugh or share it with. 

i've realized that the only way that the unfamiliar will become familiar is through time plus how much one decides to let others in. and i know given more time, my extroverted heart will find a home within the people here and i wont be on the outside looking in anymore. but right now, i'm peeking through windows and im learning to embrace this feeling. 

im guessing this is part of the feeling of being a missionary. or maybe this is something new that God is doing inside of me. i've never, ever felt this way before so this is extremely new to me. i've always been surrounded by people who "know me" so this is the first time my heart has ever felt this kind of emotion. some people might call this feeling being lonely. i call it longing to be known.

im thankful though, that even in the midst of this, the One who knows me the most is always with me wherever i go. my Maker is my Best Friend and i can rest knowing that my heart is safe in His hands.