Wednesday, June 8, 2011

doing it scared.

so... i officially booked my flight.

let me tell you, i suddenly became scared s**tless after the confirmation email was sent to me. lol okay...maybe because im officially a "missionary" now, i shouldn't say that word, but seriously, there is no other way i can best describe how i feel.

i am so scared. [or skuuuurrrred as i like to say it]

i am moving 2000+ miles away from home.. leaving my family and my friends... to move in the middle of the pacific ocean. im moving to obey and follow God to be a missionary to the islands and be a part of a new family out there. [im glad God has provided a family out there already for me coz i probably wouldn't go if that wasn't the case.]

it's soooo scary. what if i don't raise enough support? what if i suck at being a missionary? what if there's a tsunami? what if something happens to my loved ones and im so far away? what if the church out there gets to know me and then hates me? what if i fail and im not called to be a pastor after all? what if my son hates it there and hates me for making this decision? 

what if... what if... what if...

there's a lot of "what ifs..." swirling through my brain right now... but i cannot let those "what if's" stop me from obeying what i know God has spoken in my heart and called me to do... coz it's either i obey, or i end up being like Jonah. and i fo sho' dont wanna get eaten by a whale...or worst...jaws. 

my one word for this year is BELIEVE. and im choosing to believe that God's got my back, even with the "what if's"...i need to believe that no matter what happens, God is going to take care of every detail. i need to believe that ultimately, provision comes from Him and no one else. i need to believe that His grace is sufficient for all things and in all things.

im clueless...coz i have no idea what the future holds for me there.. but i know that He has called and i must obey... so even if i'm terrified...i choose to do it scared... i booked my ticket and this august i'm stepping out of the boat (well the plane) and walking into the waters of my promise land. and i know i'll be walking (or teaching or swimming or preaching or surfing) hand in hand with my Maker every step of the way.

“Don’t be afraid; just believe.” - Mark 5:36