Thursday, May 5, 2011

owning celibacy and taking risks.

i cannot believe i am typing my thoughts out about this topic instead of keeping it to myself. it's 3:30am. i cannot sleep. so like any other weirdo who cant go to sleep, i decided to pop open my computer and wander around in the land of facebook. it so happened that one of the updated pics that was on my news feed was that of my ex-boyfriend.... it was a pic of him and his wife on their wedding day.

i smiled when i saw the pic. im soooo glad he found someone coz he's a really nice guy with a good heart. and his wife is pretty too. while looking at the pic, i realized that it's been 10 years since i dated this guy. which means it's been 10 years since i actually went out on a date. like a real date. with someone i actually liked.

which made me think: "oh my goodness...it's been 10 years patricia. not one real date with a guy you've really liked in the past decade. you've become this indifferent and austere woman who has blocked off any emotion towards the opposite sex"

then of course i answered myself back with this thoughtt: "it's because i made a vow to God to keep myself celibate. and i made a vow to myself that i would always put my son first, even if it means staying single for the rest of my life"

then i responded with this answer to myself: "making a vow to God to keep yourself celibate and staying single doesn't mean you dont go out and mingle... what are you really hiding from?"

so that conversation with myself made me realize that staying celibate and remaining single has become so much part of my lifestyle. i've embraced it. i have become accustomed to it. i've made it part of my identity. it's my routine. it's a safe place coz it doesn't require vulnerability. considering the fact that i am also a single mother makes it work for me even more, coz then i have all the excuse in the world not to date.  i've owned celibacy. for 10 years, i've told myself to kiss dating goodbye and totally pretended like it doesnt exist.

but in reality, it does. 

the dating. the butterflies. the giddyness. the awkwardness. the getting to know someone. the small talks. the possibility of not liking that person. or the possibility of liking someone after all, especially if that person isn't your type. the possibilities of relationships and all that jazz. all of that exists.

and the one word that came to mind as i thought about all those things was the word: RISK. to be able to do all that you have to risk and put yourself out there. risking the possibilities. risking the fact that you might end up hurt. risking the fact that you might end up liking someone you thought you never would. these thoughts send shivers up my spine.

taking a risk is scary. i actually like the comfortable. i like the known. i like the fact that i own celibacy and i dont have to worry about emotions. it's ironic that im even more willing to pack up my things, leave family and friends and move 2000+ miles away to spread the gospel in the islands than to go out on one date.

yes my friends, i am a nutcase.   so why then am i writing this post? 

because i realized that i've seriously become a frigid-semi-old-maid. and i actually embrace it as part of who i am. because i like comfort in the known. i like the assurance in owning celibacy. coz it means never having to be vulnerable. and im super okay with that. (or at least that's what i like to tell myself anyway).

so why is it that i felt a sudden pang of loneliness when i saw the pic of my ex and his wife.... not because of them, but because i realized that it's been 10 years since i've allowed my heart to feel. it's not easy to admit staying single gets lonely sometimes. but it does. yes, i know Jesus loves me.  yes, i know only God can make me complete. but there's a sense of loneliness i feel right now and it feels so raw. tonight is especially a hard night, obviously, coz i am still up at 4am and im pondering on these thoughts.

the weird thing is...  i'd rather have a hard night like this than risk my heart any day. 

this is why i shouldn't be up at 4am writing my thoughts out. because i sound like im insane since i talk to myself. i need to get some sleep.