Monday, May 30, 2011

poor doggy.

I gave the doggy left over steak last night. It was so delish, he ate a LOT! Now he's got the runs and is pooping all over the place :( Poor doggy. Im a bad owner!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

empty office.


empty office. it's been a good four years run. learned a lot and i am so thankful for the job I had, my boss and the people i met. im still gonna work part time (coz i need $$$ to pay the bills), but im somewhat glad this happened coz it's even more confirmation that i am in the right path and God is definitely closing the doors here in LA. plus, now i have more time to meet with potential ministry partners. hey...gotta see the silver lining in  everything right? 

guide and provide.

"The Lord will guide you continually" [isa59:11]

He promises to guide me.... all the days of my life.

He knows the beginning and the end and has written the story of my life in His book even before I was born.

So what's the use of worrying? What's the use of fretting to make it all work out?

I need to constantly remind myself that He takes me by the hand and guides me daily. And where He guides... He provides... so there is no need to fear.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

spirit-filled life.

Coz there is no other way to live life to the full. You gots to have a lot of  Holy Ghost in you to live with ressurection power.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

in my weakness.

*crickets crickets* it's been quiet here. aside from pictures posted, words have been absent on here... (by the way i havent even had the chance to post all the rest of my 365 for 2011 pics yet so i will have to play catch up when things slow down a bit)...

my life right now is all sorts of hectic. aside from working and homeschooling, i have been quite busy these past few weeks meeting with people after work, trying to raise support for the ministry in Hawaii. im in my 3rd week already and so far so good =]

but, can i just be honest here and tell you... i seriously feel like like someone is beating the living ish out of me. I AM TIRED. not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. dont get me wrong, i have joy in what i am doing because i know this is what God has called me to do for this season and i am so thankful for everyone who has partnered with me and the vision God has put in my heart thus far... but having 3 full time jobs (yes, i consider homeschool a full time job) isn't easy for anyone to tackle especially for a single mother. (anyone wanna trade positions with me for a day?? ;) ha!)

to top it off, i received the news yesterday that my boss is cutting not just my hours but my days at work. i will only be working 3x a week... which means i will only be making less than $200.00 a week. i soooo wasn't expecting that. i thought i would be able to buy a little more time to save at least. i tried looking at it in a positive way by pumping myself up to say that i have more time to do ministry support meetings now....

but today worry and tiredness is getting the best of me. my brain is frazzled. i have no clue how to pay bills next week. so now im here...sitting at starbucks, comforting my heart with some good drip coffee and a cinnamon cake while blabbering out my heart on my blog, as a form of therapy and release, so that i wont go insane. i wish there was something better to say... but right now my heart and my head is void of words...


i am tired... yet i know that I am at the exact place where God wants me... coz He promises that His power is made perfect in my weakness.... and right now im feeling pretty weak and tired and overwhelmed... which means He is about to do something powerful real soon (im hoping and believing that He will anyway)

if you can, please pray for abundant grace for me and my son during this season. we seriously need it. thanks.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

communion.

Me and my son taking communion together :)

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Simpsons.

Yes, I am a kid at heart. Im loving these sipmson stamps :)

Thursday, May 12, 2011

believe.

My papa (stepdad) gave me this magnet a few years ago. I really like what it says. For those of you that are struggling right now.... dare to believe :)

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

full.

Someone filled my gas tank today. Nala (my car's name) is very happy coz I usually can't afford to fill her up. Most of the time she's running on almost empty, barely making it coz I don't have a budget to fill up my gas, but today, she has a taste of what it feels like to be FULL..

Just like Nala, my heart has been happy too. a week and a half into raising ministry support, I feel like my happy tank is full. Because i am amazed at seeing the extreme generosity of people and how giving people's hearts are, even in the midst of an economic crisis.

Who would've thought that these past 8 years of serving and giving my time to churches & building relationships would have opened doors for me to be able to reap in the area of ministry support in ways I didn't really expect. Im quite shocked.

All these years, I've been so used to running on empty and barely making it for the next day. This past week, I've seen people at my church sow and give to this ministry that I cry almost every night because of the generous hearts that I come across with everyday. I am dumbfounded.
My friends have answered the macedonian call to send me and christian to go and make disciples in the islands. They give, in spite of problems & trials. I am so humbled by this.

God, I'm so amazed by you and how you love me. Thank you for making my cup (happy tank) overflow. Please bless each and every person that has given to me and the lil man thus far. Thank you for all of them who have the heart to sow into your kingdom and to what you're doing in the islands.. I pray you bless each one back in ways thy would make their happy tank full as well. Amen.

"I came so that you may have life and have it to the FULL."  - Jesus [john10:10]

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

witness.

Acts 14:17 - nevertheless He did not leave Himself without witness, in that He did good, gave us rain from heaven and fruitful seasons, filling our hearts with food and gladness.

I am loving this verse right now. :)


Monday, May 9, 2011

129.

one pound in one month. LOL. slow but steady.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

m.a.s.h.

i may be a mom of an almost 11 year old...
but im not too old to play m.a.s.h. on mothers day with my lady friends =]

according to mash:
i married boris kodjoe, who is an engineer.
our wedding color was pewter.
we live in a shack in new york
and we have 3 kids.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

BEST MOTHERS DAY GIFT EVER (if there's one post i want you to read...it's this)

i was on my way home from a meeting, when i got a call from my son telling me to "pray for him coz he was going to talk about Jesus to one of his friends...to pray that his friend receives Jesus into his heart" (his friend is a neighbor who just moved in our compound recently).

he then said goodbye right away and hung up the phone. i sat in my car, jaw dropped with tears in my eyes. i was shocked. my son, who is 10, took the time to call me to tell me to pray for him while he was sharing the good news. lil dude knows the importance of prayer already. and he knows the urgency of spreading the Word of God.

i got home and he told me that him and his friend talked about science, the big bang theory (he calls it big boom theory), Jesus, heaven and hell and different bible stories. his friend asked him questions like: "how sure are you that heaven is real?" my son answered: "i dont know, but here is how i know that God is real"... and he basically shared his  testimony of how God has taken care of our family thus far. then my son asked his friend if he wanted to receive Jesus into his heart... his friend said "he'd think about it".

as soon as i got home, my son came to me telling me how happy he was that he finally got to share about Jesus for the first time ever. even if his friend said he'd think about it, he knows he did his job by sharing about Jesus. i smiled and told him how proud i was of him. if only there was a way for him to see how extremely excited my heart was. i felt like my heart was going to explode with sunshine, butterflies, rainbow, fairy dust and everything happy that i could think of.

before he slept, he sent me a text message and said:


right now my heart is leaping for joy. 

you see, me and my son went through so much trials together, that it has always pained me as a mother to see him grow up in the circumstances we had. he never really got to have what other kids had (like a dad, having a permanent place to live, stability, finances, getting to buy toys he wanted etc).  i had no idea that going through all those trials and pain had helped in shaping his little heart to have faith in his Heavenly Father. at 10, he can share his testimony to other kids, because he has a story to tell that's his own and not his "moms". i wanted so badly to protect him from the pain and i couldn't. right now im so glad that we walked through that hard season of our life together, because we are both starting to see God's redemption unfold right before our very eyes.

i dont know what the heck i did to deserve the privilege of being called this boy's mother....but im sure glad that God chose me to raise this world changer. to see your child fulfilling the great commission at such a young age is the BEST MOTHERS DAY GIFT EVER. i wouldn't trade this for anything in the world. 

i am soooooooooo proud of him.

I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions. - Joel 2:28

owning celibacy and taking risks.

i cannot believe i am typing my thoughts out about this topic instead of keeping it to myself. it's 3:30am. i cannot sleep. so like any other weirdo who cant go to sleep, i decided to pop open my computer and wander around in the land of facebook. it so happened that one of the updated pics that was on my news feed was that of my ex-boyfriend.... it was a pic of him and his wife on their wedding day.

i smiled when i saw the pic. im soooo glad he found someone coz he's a really nice guy with a good heart. and his wife is pretty too. while looking at the pic, i realized that it's been 10 years since i dated this guy. which means it's been 10 years since i actually went out on a date. like a real date. with someone i actually liked.

which made me think: "oh my goodness...it's been 10 years patricia. not one real date with a guy you've really liked in the past decade. you've become this indifferent and austere woman who has blocked off any emotion towards the opposite sex"

then of course i answered myself back with this thoughtt: "it's because i made a vow to God to keep myself celibate. and i made a vow to myself that i would always put my son first, even if it means staying single for the rest of my life"

then i responded with this answer to myself: "making a vow to God to keep yourself celibate and staying single doesn't mean you dont go out and mingle... what are you really hiding from?"

so that conversation with myself made me realize that staying celibate and remaining single has become so much part of my lifestyle. i've embraced it. i have become accustomed to it. i've made it part of my identity. it's my routine. it's a safe place coz it doesn't require vulnerability. considering the fact that i am also a single mother makes it work for me even more, coz then i have all the excuse in the world not to date.  i've owned celibacy. for 10 years, i've told myself to kiss dating goodbye and totally pretended like it doesnt exist.

but in reality, it does. 

the dating. the butterflies. the giddyness. the awkwardness. the getting to know someone. the small talks. the possibility of not liking that person. or the possibility of liking someone after all, especially if that person isn't your type. the possibilities of relationships and all that jazz. all of that exists.

and the one word that came to mind as i thought about all those things was the word: RISK. to be able to do all that you have to risk and put yourself out there. risking the possibilities. risking the fact that you might end up hurt. risking the fact that you might end up liking someone you thought you never would. these thoughts send shivers up my spine.

taking a risk is scary. i actually like the comfortable. i like the known. i like the fact that i own celibacy and i dont have to worry about emotions. it's ironic that im even more willing to pack up my things, leave family and friends and move 2000+ miles away to spread the gospel in the islands than to go out on one date.

yes my friends, i am a nutcase.   so why then am i writing this post? 

because i realized that i've seriously become a frigid-semi-old-maid. and i actually embrace it as part of who i am. because i like comfort in the known. i like the assurance in owning celibacy. coz it means never having to be vulnerable. and im super okay with that. (or at least that's what i like to tell myself anyway).

so why is it that i felt a sudden pang of loneliness when i saw the pic of my ex and his wife.... not because of them, but because i realized that it's been 10 years since i've allowed my heart to feel. it's not easy to admit staying single gets lonely sometimes. but it does. yes, i know Jesus loves me.  yes, i know only God can make me complete. but there's a sense of loneliness i feel right now and it feels so raw. tonight is especially a hard night, obviously, coz i am still up at 4am and im pondering on these thoughts.

the weird thing is...  i'd rather have a hard night like this than risk my heart any day. 

this is why i shouldn't be up at 4am writing my thoughts out. because i sound like im insane since i talk to myself. i need to get some sleep.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Only in LA

Only in LA:

...where people use tennis courts for soccer. 


...where its absolutely necessary for one to have coffee while they are driving, especially if you're on the 405 and traffic is bumper to bumper.

I love LA!

Monday, May 2, 2011

time for everything - my thoughts on bin laden's death

since last night, i've seen numerous reactions from people about what happened. some are overjoyed. maybe some of the relatives of the victims of 9/11 are relieved because justice was served. i bet osama's family is hurt. i bet his followers are angry. some are throwing major Jesus jukes on this event and are saying we shouldn't be happy coz this man was made in God's image too and we should mourn the life of this lost soul who didn't know God instead of celebrating his death.

i don't have an extreme reaction towards this situation. i just know that God appoints the time and the seasons we face in the earth. so my thoughts on his death are exactly what solomon chose to talk about in this 3rd chapter from the book of ecclesiastes. 

There is a time for everything, 
and a season for EVERY ACTIVITY under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to DIE , 
a time to plant and a time to uproot, 
a time to KILL and a time to HEAL, 
a time to tear down and a time to build, 
a time to weep and a time to laugh, 
a time to MOURN and a time to DANCE, 
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, 
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, 
a time to search and a time to give up, 
a time to keep and a time to throw away, 
a time to tear and a time to mend, 
a time to be silent and a time to speak, 
a time to LOVE and a time to HATE, 
 a time for WAR and a time for PEACE.

it was osama's time to die.
it's time for the relatives of victims to heal and rejoice.
it's time for osama's family to mourn.
it's time for our country to build again.
it's time for our army to go home.

God promises to make everything beautiful in it's proper time.
i choose to believe that this is part of the redemption from the pain the world faced in 9/11.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Fab new shoes for summer.

Shoes by Adley Anne. Up and coming shoe designer. Love my new wedges. Thanks to the R & V for hooking me up with the fab new shoes. Its perfect for summer / hawaii.