Wednesday, April 27, 2011

scars.

they had a "to write love on your wrist" day on FB.  i didnt really feel like posting this pic on there coz i've got a bunch of kids on there that are my friends...and i feel like my story that goes along with this picture is kinda pg13... so i decided to post this picture on here and my story to go along with it.

i drew a heart right next to one of my scars. a lot of my scars have lightened up in time but i still have a couple of prominent scars that remind me of my past.

i used to cut myself a lot when i was a teenager. because of the way the abuse (and everything else that came along with it) affected me, i seriously thought life wasn't worth living and i wanted so badly to end it. i had made several attempts to try to cut myself, jump off a bridge and freeways, drink poison, drink myself to death, etc. but each time i tried to do something, someone would be there to stop me. one of my cousins even punched me on my face and i was knocked out cold, just so he could grab the knife off of my hands. 

when i saw that trying to kill myself couldn't work... i just began to hurt myself instead. my heart and head had been so numb to any feelings or emotions that physically hurting myself was the only way i could ever "feel anything". so everytime i would feel the pain and see blood, i would get a rush. i used self mutilation as a coping mechanism to feel. to realize that i was still alive. mix that in with alcohol and drugs and i was a complete mess.

one day, after my failed attempt to jump off a freeway (coz one of the construction workers stopped me) i drank till i was drunk and broke those bottles and used each one to wound my arms. my family came home and saw me on the floor, my arms and face covered with blood. i sat there with a sinister smile on my face. i was so high and drunk and numb that i couldn't feel anything. my papa wanted to bring me to a mental institution... my mama and my sisters cried and prayed.

talk about being messed up.

i look back now and i see divine intervention written all over those times. God was chasing me down, even when i thought that my life was worthless. He made sure that there were always people there to stop me from taking my life. 

i absolutely love my life now and i think i am beyond blessed in every way. but every time i look at my wrists i see the scars there. 
  • scars that remind me of how i used to be. 
  • scars that remind me of the pain i once felt and the life He rescued me from. 
  • scars that remind me that there are other girls and boys in the world that are probably feeling the same emotions i used to feel. 
  • scars that remind me that my purpose in life is to be a source of love and life to others, to be a source of healing for the scars on their arms and scars on their hearts.
scars fade and heal in time... but the lessons learned with the pain of those scars never do. i wrote a heart on my wrist because each time i see those scars i am reminded of how loved i am and how God went through great extents to save me. now, i must go and be that voice of love for others as well.