Friday, March 4, 2011

dangerous prayers - me and my big mouf.

an update about my current situation, the option of hawaii and me and my big mouf. but before that...

i wanna let you know how much i love roller coasters rides. the twists, the turns, the feeling of rushing through the loops and defying the laws gravity. but my ultimate favorite thing about riding the roller coaster is the initial drop. i love the adrenaline rush and the feeling of not being in control. im the crazy one who keeps my hands up through out the whole ride screaming while throwing a couple of s-bombs here and there just because.

a couple of weeks ago, when me and my son were at disneyland, we rode california screamin' a couple of times. he's at the age now where he's not scared of roller coasters anymore. instead he LOVES it and is an adrenaline junkie just like me. we even took the time to pose for the camera.

since this #die2self fast, my life has been one heckuva a roller coaster ride of twists and turns and loops and things happened that i did not foresee at all. twists and turns like: my hours getting cut at work. an open door and a possibility to move to hawaii to be part of a church out there and serve God's people in the islands, but that option involves leaving my family and friends and church here in LA and the exciting and faith-filled journey of raising my own support *gulp*..... and then there is an even bigger possibility of getting hacked at work (a long story that involves a plot that could totally sell for real housewives of sfv). 

the ironic thing is, im not enjoying this ride at all. riding an amusement park roller coaster is exciting and fun... because you know that after a minute or so, that the ride will end and you will come back to that same spot where you started. 

but a real life roller coaster ride ain't that fun. it's is actually very scary and crazy, coz you have NO IDEA where this ride will take you and how the heck  its gonna end up. instead of adrenaline... anxiety is kicking in. instead of enjoying the ride... im worrying and crying and caving in. and yes... im still throwin' a couple of s-bombs here and there coz im hella scared. as a single mom...making a life-changing decision like this by yourself can feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders.

i totally forgot that at the beginning of the fast... i prayed a VERY DANGEROUS prayer. i said: "if i could, i would fly to every continent of the world to tell people of His Great Love for them. if i could, i would hug every person that is hurting in the world right now and tell them about our Father who deeply cares for them. if i could, i would share to the world the great gift that God has given us by introducing them to Jesus. if i could, i would, but i can't"

uhm. foot in my freakin big mouth.

friends, be careful what you pray for, especially when you're fasting and your faith level is on an all time high... coz God will take those very words you said and the desperate promises you made and create opportunities for you to prove it to Him. i said, if i could, but i can't. God came back at me and said "all things are possible." 

i see the enemy trying to use these circumstances to discourage me, yet i cannot help but see God's hand in the midst of these circumstances as well. it seems these things are happening because God is calling me to believe and "ride" by faith and not by sight. 

so im sitting back, buckling my seat belt real right and im trying to raise these hands up to surrender to His will. im terrified and i have no clue what the heck is gonna happen but i choose to obey Him. dear friends, please pray for me as i take the crazy plunge by doing something i do. not. like. doing. at. all. 

this weekend i will start writing and drafting my support letter.
i might as well start somewhere... coz faith without not faith at all. 

Jesus please take the wheel.
i just hope i survive this ride.