Friday, January 14, 2011

bleeding.

in front of staring eyes i came to You,
un-clenching my fist and offering my heart.
my eyes burned as i tried to fight back the tears.
but they were too strong for me to fight off.

You said it was time.

yet, i chose prolong my obedience.
i asked You several times...
"if this is of You, tell me one more time".
and You did. five time to be exact.

my stubborn heart could not take it.
could it be that my mind was playing tricks on me.
could it be that i was hearing incorrectly.
could it be that you're finally going for the ONE THING i kept for myself.
holding the knob of the door with both of my hands,
i tried to shut it as tight as i can.

"but you've allowed me to go this far" i said
"why not let me stay where i am. 
i am comfortable here".

ignoring all rebelliousness in me,
You reached out Your hand and took me by the heart
and said it was time.
time to confess my sins to others, so i may be healed. [james 5:16]

as much as i didnt want to...
i knew i had to obey.
because Your love has a way of melting my heart.
and Your voice has a way of luring me in.

broken i ran to you,
with tears streaming down my face.
in front of a room full of friends and strangers, i sighed.
finally letting go, i apologized and said:

im sorry.
for my sin of unbelief.
for my sin of doubt.
for my sin of not obeying you.
for my sin of fear.

i cling to your robe dear Jesus.
for years, this bleeding in my heart hasn't stopped.
this bleeding heart has been hurt.
this bleeding heart has been trampled upon.
left and rejected. abused and taken advantage of.
this bleeding heart i've now calloused with words.

this heart that had to learn to be a mother and a father.
independent and strong, this heart had to endure.

this bleeding heart that has feared marriage,
the fear that had my heart bound up for so long.
this bleeding heart that has feared vulnerability and trust.
a sense of pride i so wanted to keep.
yet now, it needed to be vulnerable in front of others.

in front of eyes watching, i cried.
they saw me break, but i did not see them.
i only saw You.
and the only thing that i wanted to do
was reach out to hem of your garment
and ask you to stop the bleeding in my heart.

fighting against the crowd that surrounded me.
the crowd of unbelief. doubt. fear.
even if it's taken a hit at my pride,
i fought and ran to you.
because i know only you can heal my bleeding heart.
like the woman that had the issue of blood, i said to myself:
"if i can only touch His garment, i know i will be made whole" [matt 9:21]

so im reaching out and grabbing Your robe.
please help stop the bleeding in my heart.
please make me whole.
please heal me now.
i want to believe.
help me overcome my unbelief. [mark 9:24]