Thursday, October 7, 2010

confession session.

hi. my name is patricia and i have a confession to make: i don't have it all together. i know that you know that. i know that too. im a pretty confident person (sometimes too confident) but there are days when i like to remind myself of my flaws and insecurities. i know it sounds harsh but i do need to hear it. we ALL have an ugly side... today you get to know a little more about mine. welcome to my confession sessions.
  • i hate moving and i hate packing. right now i'm moving again. i've moved so much in the past 3 years that i've developed an allergic reaction to the word "moving". in fact my eye twitched as i typed those words. on good days im little miss sunshine about my life...but catch me on a bad day and my tears will rain down like a storm. i can't seem to catch a break when it comes to a permanent place to live.
  • more often that not, i look at the mirror and i hate the reflection that is looking back at me.  sometimes i feel like i've let myself go physically. and it's not just with the weight. it's the way i dress.  my health. the way i carry myself. the way i take care of myself. i am confident..but if im sure doesn't seem like im loving "me" at this moment.

  • i have a smart mouth. and i can be mean when provoked. like really mean. i find it funny and ironic that one of my top gifts and strengths is encouragement coz God sure does know how to turn a weakness around. they say your greatest strength can be your greatest weakness as well. i have the tendency to spew out hurtful words  and crush a heart if im caught at a really bad time. just like moses - this is my achilles heel and it's something that God is  slowly but surely transforming in my life. (truth be told..some people really need to hear some of the things i have to say). ;)

  • i stress out internally. when you see my face stressed out, it probably means im going through something that would break "normal" people down. and i have the tendency to carry my burden & other people's burdens by myself.

  • iLust and im not afraid to admit it. i lust after people's lives who have it better than me. i lust for nicer cars. a nicer place to live. a bigger ministry. a book or a blog post that i could've authored. a hot boyfriend like chuck bass... (remaining celibate isn't exactly the easiest thing in the world to do).   iLust after other people's answered prayers as i cry over my dead dreams.  iLust over something as nice as an hermes bag or something as small as a starbucks coffee that i can't afford to have.

  • it takes a lot to frustrate me, but when im frustrated, im not afraid to show it. you see, my top 5 themes on my strength finders test are activator, maximizer, woo, communication and belief. i like to activate/maximize things and people to live lives to their fullest potential. i talk and can win people over in a blink of an eye. and my belief system is quite unshakable. so when i see me or people around me live a life less than what they could or should be living, it breaks my heart. when im not given the chance to use my strength to woo and talk to people, i get bored. and when that happens, my tendency is to show my frustration and/or completely slack off. i don't know how to turn it off, because it's how God made me to think and process things. so if i suddenly stop being clearly means im frustrated. put me to work by challenging me to use my strengths and i will love you for it.

  • i really enjoy the fact that im not married. i don't know if i'll ever desire it. i fell completely in love with being a mother. i just don't buy into the idea that i need to become a wife. truth be told, the celibacy thing the only thing that's making me think twice about never getting married. kudos to those of you who dream of finding your knight in shining armor. i dream of flying out into the world and preaching God's word and adopting more kids. i can't picture myself married. and it annoys me when people think they know me better. let me say this now: NO THEY DONT. i despise it when people make it a project to find me a husband. i hate it when people say: but christian needs a dad and therefore i need to find a man. please shut up.  God says i have all i need at this moment.  if a man is one of them then it will come along if He really wants it to happen.

  • with that said - parenting solo is really hard. i have to learn to bottle up certain emotions inside of me so i can remain strong.. but it doesn't mean that im void of emotions. i just choose not to share it. but if you want to know... yes it does get lonely. sometimes very lonely. i wish i could let someone in my head for a day to understand the weight of all i face. i wish i could show someone how heartbreaking it is when my son is able to accomplish something great and i have no one to share the joy with. i wish i could count the tears that have stained my pillow in the night because life just becomes tired and overwhelming. if you are or have been a single parent for some time, i know you know what im talking about.

  • i don't study my bible as much as i would like to everyday. i don't spend as much time with God as i should. instead of praying in the wee hours of the morning, i will deaden my mind by listening to music or watching tv. i love God and i love His Word and being in His presence fills me with so much joy. but it also requires vulnerability. and sometimes it's heartbreaking to stay vulnerable. because it hurts so much to face my weaknesses, heartbreaks and pain and present them to God. and it hurts to feel the pain of others (see bullet point #4)
i'm not afraid to share the uglies about myself. coz i know that the uglies and the insecurities in me will one day boast of God's power. only He can take the bad in my life and turn it into good, as long as i  obey and stay faithful to Him. i know that because most of my weaknesses 10 years ago have been turned into my strengths. and i know im not the same person anymore. 

embracing my weaknesses reminds me that i am a work in progress. recognizing where i fail reminds me of how much i need my Savior and His amazing grace. my weaknesses show me that i have a Father who chooses to never give up on me but fashions and molds me more and more into the image of His Son. and knowing that truth strengthens me to continue to keep the good fight of faith, knowing He will perfect that which concerns me.[psalm 138:3]

“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. -  2Corinthians 12:9-10 

If you are brave enough....take part in this discussion and share some of your ugly confessions. =]