Wednesday, October 27, 2010

beauty in death.

while walking to work, this dead tree caught my eye earlier this morning. in an instant, nostalgia hit me and i was reminded of a God-moment i had back in october of 2007.


365pic


i sat in the middle of the field somewhere in the suburbs of chicago looking at the different colors of leaves.

leaves that were orange. yellow. red. brown.
swirling and dancing with the wind.
leaves that were orange. yellow. red. brown.
capturing my eye, as i stared at the array of colors around me.
leaves that were orange. yellow. red. brown.
leaves that once had life. but are now dead.

as i was looking at the leaves, and i felt like it was a picture of what my dreams looked like. colorful. yet dead.

a couple of months before this, my step-dad kicked me and my son out of their house. after sleeping on couches, we realized that we really had no place to go. i didn't have a job. and i felt like pressure was coming in from all sides. my parents were in the middle of intense fighting that i had to fly to chicago to try and stay away from the mess our family was facing.

it was around october when i found out the news. my mother had an affair and had made up her mind to leave my step-dad. the same step-dad she had chosen to stay with for years, even though he was abusing us. she said she's finally had enough of him. after 20+ years, she decided to leave him, but not because of the abuse that happened to us. she decided to leave him coz she had feelings for another man.

when i found out about what happened, it was like a 2nd wave of pain and death washed over my heart. after years of trying to understand and forgive and learn to trust my mom and my step-dad. after years of trying to rebuild and restore what was so broken. after years of waiting and finally starting to see glimpses of God's promise of healing... it was suddenly snatched away.

this dream for healing and restoration for my family had suddenly died. and my heart mourned for the years of sacrificing and giving up my innocence just so this family could stay together.

i cried out and asked God "why?"
why did she have to cheat?
why did he have to be so stubborn and hard headed and unloving?
why wasn't there a fear of God in these decision makings?
why did she wait this long to leave him, when it was convenient for her?
why did i waste 12 years of my life being abused, just coz it was my mother's dream to have a "complete family"?
why did it pain me so much that my step-dad wasn't going to be my "papa" anymore.
why have i not heard anything from my church/pastors & friends who were supposed to be there to help?
why was this happening all over again?


as i cried out to Him in the middle of the field, He didn't answer me with a voice or a bible scripture. instead He answered me with a picture.


leaves that were orange. yellow. red. brown.
swirling and dancing with the wind.
leaves that were orange. yellow. red. brown.
capturing my eye, as i stared at the array of colors around me.
leaves that were orange. yellow. red. brown.
leaves that once had life. but are now dead.


at that moment my heart was stilled. even if autumn and winter brought death, there was always a promise of spring. and because of that promise, i found beauty in the midst of death.

--
as i walked towards the building of where i work, exactly 3 years after that incident happened, i found myself smiling. the dead tree of dreams in my heart is now showing signs of life and vitality and light. though there is still pain in the memory, God has proven Himself faithful to provide healing and restoration and redemption. our family is far from perfect.... but we have come such a long way. and despite the agonizing pain we had to go through, we choose to forgive and love. we're in no way the "model" christian family and my parents are divorced and they still fight, but because of these trials, there has been a deepening of relationships, especially with me and my sisters. though it's almost november and we're enjoying the fall season, in my heart, spring has sprung. and there continues to be a hope of complete healing and restoration in the future. as for now, we're taking it one day and enjoying life one season at a time. coz He makes everything beautiful in it's time. [ecc3:11]

He promised me 3 years ago that spring would come. indeed it has come. im so glad He is always faithful to fulfill His promise.
[heb.10:23]