Friday, September 10, 2010

lonely but not alone.


my heart has been feeling lonely as of late. not alone but lonely.

i know this season has a lot to do with what God has been speaking and is continuing to speak to me about REST and letting go. it started with learning to say no to activities (from fellowship to church events and things i actually love doing) so that i could find more alone time to be with Him, my family and my loved ones. and it has been a wonderful time being free from false burdens that i had put on my shoulders regarding having to perform in order for God to open doors for me for breakthrough. (more about that on another post).

it went from that to learning to let go of people who mean a lot to me. there seems to be an exodus of people that i love the most who are leaving LA and moving to another place. in fact most of all of my closest friends who i have invested my time and my heart to for the past 7.5 years have either left or will leave in the near future....which i know is God ordained (for them and for me as well) but it still hurts to think about it. and that thought pretty much leaves my heart feeling heavy.

with the feeling of being lonely, i am learning to rest my heart in Him alone. i found that withdrawing from everything to be with God is something that is vital for me at this specific season of my life. i realized that because im an uber-extrovert... i will hang out with people (or talk to people - whether in real life or online) and it somehow becomes a way of escape. it's almost like God has forced this circumstance of loneliness so i learn to become more of a "hermit" and spend more time with Him and do the things that really matter the most for this season of my life.

i've gotten a few confirmations (in the Word and with other people) regarding this season i'm in so I know that this isn't just me, but it's the Holy Spirit doing a deeper work in me. it's a way for God to go deeper still and heal certain areas of my heart by allowing me to feel lonely.  somehow, i feel like this season is the quiet before the volcano erupts. like He wants to me to learn how to rest, quiet and still my soul, my mind, my heart.. before He brings in more fruits in my life as He now takes me through the process of pruning and weeding.

the bible says: "but Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed" [luke 5:16]. withdrawing is something Jesus often did which means it's something that i must often do too. withdrawing to the lonely places (not just physically) but also in the lonely places of my heart is something that i need. because it's in those quiet, lonely moments where i'm left to face the rawness of my heart. withdrawing to the lonely places drives me to pray. it creates a desperation in me to long for my Master in a way that i don't feel when im "busy". in the lonely place, i don't need a facade, i don't need to prove myself, i don't need to perform. i can just be me.

it is also in the lonely place where i meet the One who encourages me, speaks destiny to me, sings over me, heals, me, fills me up, and gives me the passion and love and the power so that, after spending ample time alone with Him, i will be full enough to bear even more fruit and brave the crowds and give of myself once again.