Thursday, April 29, 2010

jealousy.



jenny wrote a really interesting post yesterday about jealousy. i highly suggest that you click on her link and check out her blog.

part of what she said really stuck with me. she said "insatiability is the appetite of the damned." it's so very true. as i was reading through her post and all the comments (including mine) these verses came to mind:

what leads to strife (discord and feuds) and how do conflicts (quarrels and fightings) originate among you? Do they not arise from your sensual desires that are ever warring in your bodily members?
You are jealous and covet [what others have] and your desires go unfulfilled; [so] you become murderers. [To hate is to murder as far as your hearts are concerned.] You burn with envy and anger and are not able to obtain [the gratification, the contentment, and the happiness that you seek], so you fight and war. You do not have, because you do not ask.
[Or] you do ask [God for them] and yet fail to receive, because you ask with wrong purpose and evil, selfish motives. Your intention is [when you get what you desire] to spend it in sensual pleasures. [james 4:1-3 amp]


after reading these verses....i felt like i got punched in the gut. what a freakin' wake up call.

im so thankful for women like Jenny who keep it real.
i could not help but leave a looooong comment (sorry about that Jenny).

because of her post... i was able to, for the very first time, share my heart about being jealous of others
when i was in the desert/dry season of my life. I
t helped me to see the condition of my heart during that time and made me realize how selfish i was.... even though in my head, i thought my feelings were justified coz of the pain i was going through.


now that i can look back with a more proper perspective... i realize how wretched i really was.





im so thankful that she ended her post with this verse:



"He gives us more grace"

i am so thankful for His grace. His grace that allowed me to be broken. His grace that allowed me to go through the crucible of life to the point where it was extremely painful to bear. His grace that knew the evil in my heart, even if i didn't recognize it... and the fact that He went through extensive measures to make sure that the evil that is 'coveting and jealousy' would be purged out of me. He knew that the only way to have done that was to not answer my prayers for a season and watch everyone around me get their prayers answered.

part of my super long comment was this:
(speaking of the past 7 years when i was struggling internally with the issue of jealousy coz i was going through a really hard time being almost homeless, jobless, ministry-less, etc. etc)
"i
think He allowed for that to happen to break me, just like Jacob, so that i may walk with a limp for the rest of my life and never forget that i had nothing to do with anything that was going to happen to my life from that point on. and to also remove the selfishness in me and the need to want to compare why God chooses to bless others but not me (or vice versa.)
when i remember how painful that limp is… then the green eyed monster leaves and succumbs to the stronger force in me that is GRATEFULNESS."
i pray that God will continue to purge me off of that ugly sin called jealousy. i ask that when the green eyed monster creeps up, He will remind me of the painful limp so i can choose to be grateful for what i do have. i pray that He continues to strip me off my pride and the feeling of entitlement. i pray that His grace will abound more and more. and i ask that i will continue to desire to be satisfied in Him alone.