Friday, April 9, 2010

forgiven.

i mentioned a little bit about you on my blog post yesterday. i think it was the first time i've ever talked about you in public for a really long time.

i haven't talked to you in over 10 years now. i know it's been that long coz my son is turning 10 this year. i know it's been that long coz you choose to leave me when i was one month pregnant. you left... and you never looked back. you offered no help. no support.

i was 21. young. crazy. immature. angry. and rejected. i thought i was strong. but ultimately i was scared. i had no idea what the heck would happen to me. but im so glad i didnt listen to the voices around me... and i decided to keep him and let this child grow in me... even if the future was uncertain.

im so thankful i made that decision. you see, the experience of motherhood had completely changed me and i fell in love with this calling. coz next to Jesus, he is the BEST THING that has ever happened to me.

i jokingly tell people that you are my sperm donor... and as much as part of that is true... i know you are much more. your genes make half of who my son is. his eyes... well they look a lot like yours... and he does silly and crazy things out of the blue sometimes to try to make me laugh... which is a lot like you too.

you see... i've never, not once, spoken anything bad about you to him (as much as i'd like to sometimes). he asks about you. he asks about your family. i've shown your pictures, i've told him about your family. and i tell him to pray for you often. he's voiced out that he wanted to meet you a few times before. he even questioned what was it that he did that made you leave. i told him we were too young. i didn't tell him you rejected me. that you rejected him.

two years ago when he decided to reach out and write you and your siblings a letter saying how much he wants to get to "know" your side of the family...and you chose not to respond to him, you crushed his little heart. since then i could not mention your name at all. to him you were just a ghost. i could not even mention that you were his father. he called you by your first name... the most disrespectful thing a child could ever do to a "parent".

he hated you. and i wanted to rip your face to shreds for doing that to him. but instead i encouraged him to continue to pray. to continue to forgive. i would share biblical stories to him about single mothers and how God uses the children of single mothers in great ways. still... i could see the pain in in his eyes... and i knew i could not fight for him for this is a battle he has to face himself. i let him cry. i let him grieve. i let him feel the pain of your absence.

as a mother... the one thing i hate is seeing my baby pained in that way. he cried that night and more nights after that. but after a few months he also did something that i never thought he would for a boy his age.... he began to pray for you.... he prayed to Jesus and said... "God i forgive him. please save him. i wont call him B anymore... he is still my father... so please let him know who Jesus is so he will go to heaven."

at such a tender age, he has chosen to forgive you as well. he has chosen to pray for you instead of cursing you, despite the pain that you've caused him. though he doesn't pray for you that often... when he does... it's the same prayer. it's a request for your salvation. a request that hopes in the back of his mind that if he never gets to meet you in this lifetime... that he will get to meet you in heaven.
forgiveness is a powerful thing and i write this to you...for you to know that you've already been forgiven. there's nothing else that you can do or say to change our minds. we chose to forgive you even  if you choose to never become a part of my son's life. we choose to forgive coz we've experienced real forgiveness ourselves. the freedom you receive from letting go is priceless coz it allows you to love to the fullest.

so if you ever happen to stumble upon this blog of mine... i want you to know that it's okay. he's not mad. i'm not mad. there is no scarlet letter around your head. instead there is undeserved grace. we extend forgiveness and grace to you because Jesus has shown us what it feels like to be forgiven and showered with mercy. the freedom you receive from letting go is priceless, coz it allows you to love to the fullest.

isn't my son a great child? i am VERY PROUD OF HIM. i just want you to know that i am an extremely blessed mother because i have the best son in the world and i have you to thank for half of those chromosomes.

i do hope that one day you will be able to live this kind of life that we live as well. one abundant with joy and peace, mercy and forgiveness. i pray that you will find yourself the foot of the Cross, getting to know the ONE who died for you and loves you the most. and lastly, i pray that my son's prayer request will be granted... that he will get the chance to meet you, if not here on earth, then maybe he can spend a bit of eternity with you in heaven.