Tuesday, December 15, 2009

i dont want to.

in light of recent chat conversations with my friends & tweeting about not having a date for company parties.. i felt the need to write this... if only to give solace to me as i allow myself to unleash these thoughts screaming in my head.

most everyone that knows me, know that i have a fear of marriage. (or i did have...i dont wanna continue to speak it over me)...but to be honest...i know its still there.

you see, the thought of marriage still terrifies me.. unlike many women out there... i dont get pretty pictures in my head about it & i dont pray to get married nor do i pray for my "future husband".

it's just not something i desire.

no, it's not pride. no, it's not me trying to be an uber-single-mom-feminist. no, im not bitter. no, it's not me trying too hard to be independent. though those were my reasons before, i know that during this season... it's not that anymore.

i've been praying about this specific topic for yeeeaarrrsss now... i've received counseling & healing about this as well.... and although i've gotten better at the thought of it (before i would get anxious & sick just thinking about it)... it's still not something i dream about.

you see, i am a visionary. i dream big dreams.

i know i will write books one day. i know i will reach out and teach & preach God's Word. i know i will be able to travel and adopt more kids and mother them. it's a clear picture & a vision that God has given me...and i can taste it & feel it even if it's not there yet.... i fight for these dreams that God has given me each day.... wanting to see Him fulfill these things...

what i dont see myself doing though....
is doing all of that with someone by my side.

i CANNOT picture it. i cannot envision it.

i mean, if God wants me married... i will obey Him... because i love God. i will learn to open my life up to someone... more so, learn to trust someone else to raise my child with me... IF that is His will. my heart is to obey God in everything... so if marriage is a part of His plan for my life... i will obey.... BUT like i said... it would have to be God, not me, coz all the work that it entails stresses me out already.

knowing and seeing couples like them, them & them & reading about couples like them & them has helped me see marriage in a better light.

but it still hasn't changed my mind completely. i feel like there's so much at stake... my heart, my child, our future... that i think im better off the way i am living life as a single mom with Christ as my husband...than i am being married.

maybe, im just used to living this life the way i do.

maybe, i am one of those people that Paul talks about... you know... the ones gifted with celibacy...*gasp* ... LOL.. i SERIOUSLY doubt that though... ;)

could it be, that the "slight torture" i had growing up with mixed families & abuse & all the drama just put a really bad taste in my mouth that it has turned me off from desiring to get married?

i think that's the case.

you see, i was raised in a home that allowed "bad things" to happen to me just so my parents marriage would not "fail". it's like for the marriage to work... my childhood and my sanity was sacrificed. and although i've forgiven my parents for the wrong they've done... it's left a really ugly picture in my head regarding marriage... especially mixed families. i'd rather not put my son in any danger. call me paranoid... i can't help myself. i wish i could. if you want a clearer picture of what happened to me... watch madea's family reunion (the movie) - the single mom's story there is almost like my story.

but unlike that woman... i've gone through counseling,
and prayers & i've received healing.
and i am more open with the thought of marriage like never before.

BUT it's still not something i desire.

is it bad that i feel that way?

why does family, church & society make it seem like it is?

like if you dont want to get married, you're kinda "weird" coz it's not normal.

why can't i seem to shake off this fear?

i wish i had answers for these questions.

i wish that it was okay to say that i don't want to get married
and not receive the strange "looks" people give off...

most of all: i wish that i wouldn't fear this anymore.