Thursday, December 17, 2009

dear unwanted husband part 2.

continuation of dear unwanted husband.......

the REAL reason why i don't think i can get married is that i dont think i can ever trust anyone outside of my sisters & my closest friends to be alone with my son (nor any of my future adopted children). no matter who you are...it's just not you i don't trust...it's everyone. and if there is a time that he needs to be alone with someone... i get really antsy & i worry about the "possibilities". the trauma that happened to me when i was young has scarred me so much that this has become a REAL FEAR. i've been battling this for years and it hurts me that i think this way.

i don't want to be like this though, living in semi-paranoia most of the time. i don't wanna be like this...because i love people and i genuinely am a friendly person... but i know no other way. i live in mistrust... and it's not a fun way to live. my guards are so way up that it would be hard to break through it.

you see, for a long time, you would come into my dreams and beat and abuse me and my child...and for years i had to battle insomnia because of that. you were a monster in my head. the nightmares have stopped now... and im sooo thankful you haven't haunted my dreams the way you used to... God has softened my heart about entertaining the thought of possibly being married to you in the future... but it still hasn't changed my mind to the point of desiring you.

i've received counseling, healing and prayers about this for years now... and i know that i am in the process of continuing to be healed... but my experience has left me with a repulsed attitude towards the thought of you.

i feel like if i allow you to walk into my life, i will be doing my son & myself a disservice. to choose marriage would be like me choosing the same thing that destroyed my life when i was younger. to choose you means that i am choosing you over my son....and i would have to share my time between you and him. to choose you means that i have to be on guard... always watching what you're doing because it would be that hard for me to trust you. to choose marriage means i probably not wont be sleeping much coz i don't know where you'll be or what you'll be doing when i'm asleep. to choose you means i have to trust you. and i don't know if i ever will... and that won't be fair to you.

i know God has nothing but good for me.... and if He wants me to be married to you then it means you must be good for me... but the only way i would ever re-consider my current opinion about you is if He clearly tells me to do so... and God knows how extremely stubborn i can be. i am happy living single for God. i have found love with my Savior and that has fulfilled me in ways i never imagined. i have also found love in being a mother... and i desire to be a mother more than being a wife. i want to adopt more children in the future and shower them with love. i want so many things in life, but i don't want you.

i don't know if we'll ever have the chance to meet or not...but i want to say sorry to you in advance coz you probably dont deserve someone that thinks you're an abusive pedophile straight off the bat. i know you didn't do anything to deserve this. but learning to trust someone fully like that is a hard thing for me to try and comprehend. i've judged you in my mind before i met you.... and that's something that i have to deal with God on a continual basis.

maybe one day i will change my mind about this. with God's help & healing power, i will learn to trust in God to be able to trust my life & my son's life in someone else's hands. but i know that time is not here yet... and i don't know if it will ever be.

pray for me please... pray that God will heal me from this fear. i don't want to live in fear.

thank you for taking your time to read this. i do want to meet you one day, hopefully soon.. even if you never become my husband.... i bet you'll be a great friend.

love,