Wednesday, December 16, 2009

dear unwanted future husband.

i'm not writing this because i like anyone in particular (i know how some of you all think...LOL). the reason why i am writing this is because i think this is the easiest way for me to try to explain why it is that i do not want to get married. this isn't an easy thing for me to write.... but i thought that addressing a letter to "my unwanted husband" will be the easiest way for me to try and explain my heart regarding this subject. so read along if you like... but please try not to judge the people that are part of the story of my letter. i am being vulnerable here because i feel the need to get this off my chest... it's not because of anyone or anything else... it's only because i want to share my story this way... so read along if you want...

Dear unwanted future husband (if you are out there),

i dont know why i feel the need to write this. somehow these thoughts have been burning in my mind these past few months and i feel like things need to be said.

i wrote a blog about NOT wanting you a few months ago & another one yesterday...and it sparked a few people's interest. a lot of people dont understand why i would take it to such an extreme to not want you in my life and i write this today to explain to you why.

you see, when i was younger, both of my fathers were very abusive to me... one of them physically abused me and one sexually. im not just talking about a one time abuse either. it involved guns on our heads, faces hit, heads slapped and kicked. i had to endure repetitive molestation and abuse for yeeaaarrrs. every time i would tell my mother about things that were happening to me, she chose to turn a blind eye on the situation and stayed with the marriage, pretending like things were okay. basically, she traded my childhood & my innocence to have a "marriage". she wanted that "complete family look" and was very fearful to raise her daughters on her own and be a single mom.

i know she didn't know any better and i've forgiven both my fathers & my mom completely for what has happened... please don't judge them.... and i dont write this to point the finger and blame them. i write this because it happened to me... and the abuse has left me with such traumatic memories that marriage has such a bad picture in my head. i've become the opposite of my mother. she wanted/needed a marriage. i, on the other hand, don't see it as something i desire.

this is why i do not want you. i know God has designed marriage to be a beautiful thing.. and i've seen that happen to people i love dearly. i've seen the the healing that marriage has brought to them...and i am so happy for them... but i don't think it's what i want for me. i am fine leading & nurturing my family on my own. yes, it would be great to have you here to help me with life, with bills & raising my son but i don't desire that. i know it means probably not having anyone stand by me, helping, supporting & taking care of me and my son. i know it also means that i'm making a choice to probably not have sex for the rest of my life *gasp*... but i will take that risk. because the alternative is too much for me to even begin to consider.

the REAL reason why i don't think i can get married is.........

to be
continued in dear unwanted husband part 2