Thursday, December 17, 2009

christmas wishlish 09.

last year i made a semi-wish list for christmas. and it was fun listing things and getting to cross them out when i received them that i'm going to do it again this year.

here is my wish list for christmas 2009.
  1. book: crazy love by francis chan
  2. book: fight like a girl by lisa bevere
  3. bodum thermal travel coffee press
  4. dvd: friends season 1-10 set
  5. gift cards: ikea or target
  6. camera
  7. flip
  8. board game: taboo
  9. massage @ the spa
  10. a "coffee conversation" with YOU =]
what's on YOUR christmas wishlist?

dear unwanted husband part 2.

continuation of dear unwanted husband.......

the REAL reason why i don't think i can get married is that i dont think i can ever trust anyone outside of my sisters & my closest friends to be alone with my son (nor any of my future adopted children). no matter who you's just not you i don't's everyone. and if there is a time that he needs to be alone with someone... i get really antsy & i worry about the "possibilities". the trauma that happened to me when i was young has scarred me so much that this has become a REAL FEAR. i've been battling this for years and it hurts me that i think this way.

i don't want to be like this though, living in semi-paranoia most of the time. i don't wanna be like this...because i love people and i genuinely am a friendly person... but i know no other way. i live in mistrust... and it's not a fun way to live. my guards are so way up that it would be hard to break through it.

you see, for a long time, you would come into my dreams and beat and abuse me and my child...and for years i had to battle insomnia because of that. you were a monster in my head. the nightmares have stopped now... and im sooo thankful you haven't haunted my dreams the way you used to... God has softened my heart about entertaining the thought of possibly being married to you in the future... but it still hasn't changed my mind to the point of desiring you.

i've received counseling, healing and prayers about this for years now... and i know that i am in the process of continuing to be healed... but my experience has left me with a repulsed attitude towards the thought of you.

i feel like if i allow you to walk into my life, i will be doing my son & myself a disservice. to choose marriage would be like me choosing the same thing that destroyed my life when i was younger. to choose you means that i am choosing you over my son....and i would have to share my time between you and him. to choose you means that i have to be on guard... always watching what you're doing because it would be that hard for me to trust you. to choose marriage means i probably not wont be sleeping much coz i don't know where you'll be or what you'll be doing when i'm asleep. to choose you means i have to trust you. and i don't know if i ever will... and that won't be fair to you.

i know God has nothing but good for me.... and if He wants me to be married to you then it means you must be good for me... but the only way i would ever re-consider my current opinion about you is if He clearly tells me to do so... and God knows how extremely stubborn i can be. i am happy living single for God. i have found love with my Savior and that has fulfilled me in ways i never imagined. i have also found love in being a mother... and i desire to be a mother more than being a wife. i want to adopt more children in the future and shower them with love. i want so many things in life, but i don't want you.

i don't know if we'll ever have the chance to meet or not...but i want to say sorry to you in advance coz you probably dont deserve someone that thinks you're an abusive pedophile straight off the bat. i know you didn't do anything to deserve this. but learning to trust someone fully like that is a hard thing for me to try and comprehend. i've judged you in my mind before i met you.... and that's something that i have to deal with God on a continual basis.

maybe one day i will change my mind about this. with God's help & healing power, i will learn to trust in God to be able to trust my life & my son's life in someone else's hands. but i know that time is not here yet... and i don't know if it will ever be.

pray for me please... pray that God will heal me from this fear. i don't want to live in fear.

thank you for taking your time to read this. i do want to meet you one day, hopefully soon.. even if you never become my husband.... i bet you'll be a great friend.


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

dear unwanted future husband.

i'm not writing this because i like anyone in particular (i know how some of you all think...LOL). the reason why i am writing this is because i think this is the easiest way for me to try to explain why it is that i do not want to get married. this isn't an easy thing for me to write.... but i thought that addressing a letter to "my unwanted husband" will be the easiest way for me to try and explain my heart regarding this subject. so read along if you like... but please try not to judge the people that are part of the story of my letter. i am being vulnerable here because i feel the need to get this off my chest... it's not because of anyone or anything else... it's only because i want to share my story this way... so read along if you want...

Dear unwanted future husband (if you are out there),

i dont know why i feel the need to write this. somehow these thoughts have been burning in my mind these past few months and i feel like things need to be said.

i wrote a blog about NOT wanting you a few months ago & another one yesterday...and it sparked a few people's interest. a lot of people dont understand why i would take it to such an extreme to not want you in my life and i write this today to explain to you why.

you see, when i was younger, both of my fathers were very abusive to me... one of them physically abused me and one sexually. im not just talking about a one time abuse either. it involved guns on our heads, faces hit, heads slapped and kicked. i had to endure repetitive molestation and abuse for yeeaaarrrs. every time i would tell my mother about things that were happening to me, she chose to turn a blind eye on the situation and stayed with the marriage, pretending like things were okay. basically, she traded my childhood & my innocence to have a "marriage". she wanted that "complete family look" and was very fearful to raise her daughters on her own and be a single mom.

i know she didn't know any better and i've forgiven both my fathers & my mom completely for what has happened... please don't judge them.... and i dont write this to point the finger and blame them. i write this because it happened to me... and the abuse has left me with such traumatic memories that marriage has such a bad picture in my head. i've become the opposite of my mother. she wanted/needed a marriage. i, on the other hand, don't see it as something i desire.

this is why i do not want you. i know God has designed marriage to be a beautiful thing.. and i've seen that happen to people i love dearly. i've seen the the healing that marriage has brought to them...and i am so happy for them... but i don't think it's what i want for me. i am fine leading & nurturing my family on my own. yes, it would be great to have you here to help me with life, with bills & raising my son but i don't desire that. i know it means probably not having anyone stand by me, helping, supporting & taking care of me and my son. i know it also means that i'm making a choice to probably not have sex for the rest of my life *gasp*... but i will take that risk. because the alternative is too much for me to even begin to consider.

the REAL reason why i don't think i can get married is.........

to be
continued in dear unwanted husband part 2

i dont want to part 2.

yesterday, i wrote a blog trying to explain my thoughts about my choice &/or non-desire to NOT want to get married.

i got some comments on my facebook status after that... & somehow my point was completely misconstrued.

like i said, that blog post was not written because i am a bitter, single mom who hates on men. that isn't the point at all. i was talking about making a CHOICE. so many people choose to get married & want a husband. i feel like at this time of my life, i am choosing to not want to get married.

i know plenty of single moms who have chosen to devote their lives to raise their children without getting married (again). im sure the decision they made was not an easy decision. i have friends who have chosen to live like this... (again chosen is the key word). my friend's mom & my brother in law's mom both decided to not get married again. its a TOUGH choice to make. it means growing old alone... and i think i am fine with that. i dont understand why that comes as a shock to some people. yes, i know it means that i may never get to experience the good things that marriage brings.... like the support & help & love that a man offers. yes, i know that it means i may never have sex again either *gulp*.

i know these things... and yet i am still making this choice.

because this means that i get to devote all my attention to my son and to all the things that God has called me to do at this season without having marriage as a nagging desire at the back of my mind. it means that i still get to live out the lifestyle i've grown accustomed to for the past decade as being the "lone leader & nurturer" in my family. it is a HARDER route to choose.

now, if a person comes along & changes my mind completely, i will surely reconsider my options... though my mind is gonna be a tough one to crack. =P like i said, it would have to take GOd to completely change my thoughts about this. but if this is what He wants... i will obey Him.

=] friends who try to "change" my mind about this subject ... i just want you to know that your efforts are futile. if you try to tell me that there's "someone out there for me", it only proves my theory that people don't think it's not normal for women, especially a woman my age.... to not want to get married.

this is something that i've been thinking about for years now.... it's not something that i just suddenly came up with..... there is a deeper reason... a reason that justifies how i feel.


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

i dont want to.

in light of recent chat conversations with my friends & tweeting about not having a date for company parties.. i felt the need to write this... if only to give solace to me as i allow myself to unleash these thoughts screaming in my head.

most everyone that knows me, know that i have a fear of marriage. (or i did have...i dont wanna continue to speak it over me)...but to be honest...i know its still there.

you see, the thought of marriage still terrifies me.. unlike many women out there... i dont get pretty pictures in my head about it & i dont pray to get married nor do i pray for my "future husband".

it's just not something i desire.

no, it's not pride. no, it's not me trying to be an uber-single-mom-feminist. no, im not bitter. no, it's not me trying too hard to be independent. though those were my reasons before, i know that during this season... it's not that anymore.

i've been praying about this specific topic for yeeeaarrrsss now... i've received counseling & healing about this as well.... and although i've gotten better at the thought of it (before i would get anxious & sick just thinking about it)... it's still not something i dream about.

you see, i am a visionary. i dream big dreams.

i know i will write books one day. i know i will reach out and teach & preach God's Word. i know i will be able to travel and adopt more kids and mother them. it's a clear picture & a vision that God has given me...and i can taste it & feel it even if it's not there yet.... i fight for these dreams that God has given me each day.... wanting to see Him fulfill these things...

what i dont see myself doing though....
is doing all of that with someone by my side.

i CANNOT picture it. i cannot envision it.

i mean, if God wants me married... i will obey Him... because i love God. i will learn to open my life up to someone... more so, learn to trust someone else to raise my child with me... IF that is His will. my heart is to obey God in everything... so if marriage is a part of His plan for my life... i will obey.... BUT like i said... it would have to be God, not me, coz all the work that it entails stresses me out already.

knowing and seeing couples like them, them & them & reading about couples like them & them has helped me see marriage in a better light.

but it still hasn't changed my mind completely. i feel like there's so much at stake... my heart, my child, our future... that i think im better off the way i am living life as a single mom with Christ as my husband...than i am being married.

maybe, im just used to living this life the way i do.

maybe, i am one of those people that Paul talks about... you know... the ones gifted with celibacy...*gasp* ... LOL.. i SERIOUSLY doubt that though... ;)

could it be, that the "slight torture" i had growing up with mixed families & abuse & all the drama just put a really bad taste in my mouth that it has turned me off from desiring to get married?

i think that's the case.

you see, i was raised in a home that allowed "bad things" to happen to me just so my parents marriage would not "fail". it's like for the marriage to work... my childhood and my sanity was sacrificed. and although i've forgiven my parents for the wrong they've done... it's left a really ugly picture in my head regarding marriage... especially mixed families. i'd rather not put my son in any danger. call me paranoid... i can't help myself. i wish i could. if you want a clearer picture of what happened to me... watch madea's family reunion (the movie) - the single mom's story there is almost like my story.

but unlike that woman... i've gone through counseling,
and prayers & i've received healing.
and i am more open with the thought of marriage like never before.

BUT it's still not something i desire.

is it bad that i feel that way?

why does family, church & society make it seem like it is?

like if you dont want to get married, you're kinda "weird" coz it's not normal.

why can't i seem to shake off this fear?

i wish i had answers for these questions.

i wish that it was okay to say that i don't want to get married
and not receive the strange "looks" people give off...

most of all: i wish that i wouldn't fear this anymore.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

birthday wish fulfilled - hope on skid row pt 2.

it's nearly impossible to describe how i felt this weekend. my birthday wish was fulfilled in ways above & beyond what i had "originally" planned out in my head. we have done this a couple of times before...but this year we tripled the amount of food & supplies, the volunteers & the recipients of all the blessings. and to think i had only wished to "double it" ;) we were able to raise about $1050.00 to buy ALL the supplies & feed everyone who volunteered too. we were able to make 250+ food (ham sandwiches, granola bars, juice, apple, famous amos, chips, chocolate) and 120 care packets. Plus Roy & Veronica's smallgroup made 100 food & care packets from their own smallgroup as well. =]

soooo many people gave, prayed, volunteered. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!! to all of you who did, i say THANK YOU.

words cannot express the joy i felt to see my wish come to pass. they say pictures are worth a thousand words, so here are about 20,000 words in picture form to show you the outpour of the love & generosity that you guys gave & showed to make my birthday wish come true.

i am overwhelmed. THANK YOU for being an extension of God's love here on earth, by showing the less fortunate that there are people who care for them & that they have something to be hopeful for.

Happy Birthday to ME =] thank you Jesus for another year!

@ Costco buying all these food! thanks alfred for helping me!

Christian, Kubie, Rolo, Me, Bobbie, Rosie, Raquel packing food @ 2:00 AM

my sister Kubie wrapping the care packets @ 2:00 AM

my brother & sister laying hands & praying for someone

THIS is CHURCH in ACTION.... just the way Jesus did! =]

thank you once again. let's do this again real soon!

For God is the one who provides seed for the farmer and then bread to eat. In the same way, he will provide and increase your resources and then produce a great harvest of generosity in you. Yes, you will be enriched in every way so that you can always be generous. And when we take your gifts to those who need them, they will thank God. So two good things will result from this ministry of giving—the needs of the believers will be met, and they will joyfully express their thanks to God. As a result of your ministry, they will give glory to God. For your generosity to them and to all believers will prove that you are obedient to the Good News of Christ. 2cor9:10-13

This is the kind of fasting I want: Free those who are wrongly imprisoned; lighten the burden of those who work for you. Let the oppressed go free, and remove the chains that bind people. Share your food with the hungry, and give shelter to the homeless. Give clothes to those who need them, and do not hide from relatives who need your help. Then your salvation will come like the dawn, and your wounds will quickly heal. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind. Isa 58:6-8

Monday, December 7, 2009


My sis wanted 2put this patch &see how he'd react. He didnt even notice it was there #PoorBlindBambam its cute tho :) - 

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

older but wiser.

it is my birthday month =] i guess growing older is supposed to make me wiser ... but i can't say that im wise at all. in fact, its just the opposite. i am learning new things about me, about others, about life everyday that its showing me how much i really dont know.

so i thought, perhaps it would be better if i posted this forwarded message that i got from my email.... a few golden nuggets from someone who has lived out her life to the fullest. Here is what she says:

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more" - Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God.. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything.. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
45. Thank God every day for your blessings.

she is a wise, wise woman indeed.