Tuesday, May 5, 2009

quiet rejoicing.

it's been quiet here lately. i don't know why it has been so. i don't really intend to neglect my blog. writing is a stress release for me and so the fact that i haven't written much on here, even if these past couple of weeks have been stressful, has really taken me by surprise. my heart has been exploding with so much to say...and yet, when my fingers are on the keyboard...it seems to refuse to flow with words that once came so easily...

this season of my life proves to be just the same way. though on the outside, things still seem to be the same...internally, things are being shaken up...and there are areas in my life that have been awakened and brought to life by Him who knows how to shine the light in the once dark recesses of my heart.

this life i live at this moment...is the answer to the years of prayer that have been sown in tears. and i am very much satisfied, thankful, grateful and content with God coming through for me the way He has and has done above & beyond what i expected. He has blessed me with favor & blessings that money cannot buy. in fact...i can say that i am living my dream. He took me from very painful experience and brought me back with faith that has been tested in the fire. i am still standing..and it's all because of Him. He has taught me to have a steel rod on my back to continuously love Him & believe in Him for anything.

although, His recent working in my heart has caught me off guard. i am processing this stage...taking it all in as much as i can. though in reality, there isn't really a lot to process, because like i said....there isn't really any tangible change at all. but when i look at myself in the mirror, i see the story in my eyes and i can feel it. there's an internal work being done.... there's a stretching in my heart, an awakening of emotions and thoughts, feelings and even new desires. somehow as if my heart is being taught to hope for more than this current circumstance....like its yearning for me to dream bigger, hope bigger, love bigger.

i know it's something new. but for something new to be placed...i must be able to let go of the old. and so i sit with arms wide open, asking Him to take the old away and do what He needs to do . i know from past experiences not to squirm during operations. i have decided not to fight it any longer. i lay on the operating table of my the Great Physician...as He does the work that He needs to do in me to create in me a new heart. His operations are always successful. and i trust that He knows what He is doing in this season, even if i have no idea what it is.

a couple of people have told me before that i was like a diamond in the rough. you see, to appreciate a diamond, you must have to understand how diamonds are cut & made. during the process of cutting & faceting & cleaving, all the while under intense pressure....a unique diamond comes out and shines and the ugliness of the coal is replaced by illuminating beauty that becomes mesmerizing and has great worth.

everyone who knows me well knows how much i love diamonds. and so for God to use this analogy through others to inspire me to be still during this time is very wise of Him. =D because i understand the process it takes to turn a piece of stone that is ugly and change it into something beautiful that has so much worth.

i know i'm not a coal anymore...and yet i know im not the uber bling i wish to be just yet ;)

and so i'm taking it all in with quiet rejoicing. i take the process of being cut & stretched internally... maybe its to add another facet to the diamond to allow it to shine..or maybe He is cutting me to be something i thought i could never be. i really don't know.

but as He continues to place in me a new heart... i will be still and know that He is God. i trust Him with my heart and i allow Him to do the work...even if i have no idea what He's working on. because a new heart means a fulfillment of yet another dream, a new season of growth, of hope, of faith, of love. a new season of learning more about my Lover and His overwhelming love for me.

and that is always worth it.