Thursday, April 2, 2009

i am ready.

i just had a conversation with a good friend the other night. loverdan is one of those rare guy friends that i have who i can just talk to and be me. he has the ability to see beyond my tangent thoughts and knows what is really going on in my head.

our shared stories that night ranged from our past, to random memories... to more serious matters. at the end of our conversation, he basically touched on a subject that was very sensitive for me to share or even admit. he had the audacity to challenge/question me about my "fears" and my "walls" (which really aren't walls...they're more like high fortresses).

after he left...i couldn't sleep...and so i started writing...and deleting...and writing...and deleting. i've been writing & re-writing this blog now for the past 3 days trying to figure out what point i'd like for this post to come across....but i come up with a blank page every time. so i decided to just write...and let if flow...and let this post go off on tangents until i have no words to say anymore.

i don't expect anyone to read this whole thing...coz this will be a long ass blog....but i feel like i need to write something...even if they are scattered thoughts....even if they remain cryptic...i need to type...i need to release....coz if not then i feel like my heart will burst with wordless emotions that want to be released.

so here i go:

i have walls that i've built up as defenses in my life through out these years. to help me cope, to help me feel safe. some of them have tumbled down completely...some are starting to fall and i am quite proud that they are. i've noticed that i've been more free to live when i chose to let God break me in the certain areas that the walls have protected.

my prayer at the beginning of this year was that i would be free from fears. hence the blog of breaking down walls back in january. when will i ever learn my lesson to be careful of what i pray for? i was stupid, excited, full of faith. now im terrified of that prayer.

i've been able to overcome the fear of public speaking (one of my biggest fears)....and i am extremely proud of that. but i've realized that the external fears are easier to get rid of. but what about my internal fears? the ones that i've protected within my walls? the ones that comfort me and provide a security for me, though a false one. why is it so hard to let those go?

there are very few walls in me that remain to stand strong. those that remain standing are my fortified fortresses & towers. i have them up for a reason...and i made sure it would take a mighty hand to break them. or so i thought.


recently...i've found a crack in one of those walls. and it's freaking me out. i believe that the crack is a result of that "free me from fears" one liner prayer i had mentioned. that. as well as having other people pray for me to get over a certain things that i've been battling with for some time now.

dan called me out on it...he said i have issues regarding being "defenseless". and my answer to that is....ofcourse i do. who likes being vulnerable??? who likes putting your heart, putting yourself, your dreams, yourself out there at the risk of getting hurt??? nobody does!!

right???!!

hidden emotions that have been dormant for so long have been awakened because of this conversation. im not so much bothered by the "reason" as to why this conversation happened in the first place...but what bothered me was my reaction towards the situation.

in my mind, in my dreams, my fears swallow me up as i run, run to the door and try to close it. push it back with all my might, not wanting to see, not wanting to feel, not wanting to know. close it, shut it tight. numb myself i say, numb myself and hide. numb myself and cry.

cry because i am so afraid. the walls are there because i choose for them to be there. because if the walls fall down, i cannot allow myself to face emotions that are so tender...so painfully pure, so raw. i'd rather hide and stay behind my fortified walls. i'd rather not deal with it.

i shout to myself....i tell myself...

NUMB.NUMB.NUMB.NUMB.

NUMB YOUR HEART OUT.

keep to yourself...and hide in your fortified walls....shut that door that wants to open.

don't let anyone in.

but i hear Him calling me...calling me out...His voice is so gentle...so soothing to my ears. the Force behind that door is stronger than the fear. the Voice that calls me draws me...pulls me in. i hear Him knocking around the door of my heart...asking me to trust Him...asking me to not be afraid....for His Perfect Love casts out fear.

i hear Him say...be open..stay open...don't be afraid....
you've come so far already....don't shut it out....
keep your heart open.
and trust Me to take care of you.

i close my eyes, wanting to wash out the warmth of His love, wanting to stay in control. i feel the pain in my throat, as i force the tears to stop from falling. but the song in His voice causes me to give way and let it go. He whispers and quiets the storm within. His smile melts the hardness in my face. His gentle touch softens my heart as i allow myself to feel once again.

but "i am afraid" i say to Him..."i am so scared to let go.."

but He reaches His hand out to me and leads me to dance with Him... dance to a song as He hums the melody and i rest in His embrace...the song that sounds so familiar and yet so new at the same time. He sings the song to me....and my heart awakens. His love washes warmth over me as i listen to His beating heart next to my face, secure in His arms. His Love does cast out all fear....and replaces it with hope.

He tells me that He is my Songwriter and He is composing a song in my heart. a song that is personal, a song that is mine. He tells me to keep the ears of my heart open to what He can do. though the sounds may not make sense now.....when the different instruments play in sync together, it will make a beautiful melody once the song is done. He asks me to be still as the music unfolds itself.

He tells me to close my eyes and listen...listen to the symphony of a beautiful story that awaits me in the future. He tells me that i must choose to believe that this song is mine and no one elses'. He tells me that no matter what happens, i must choose to remain hopeful, to remain in faith and to be open.

open to possibilities..... open to be ready.

and as i breathe out the fears...and drown out the doubts with the music in my heart....i find myself slowly trusting, taking steps away from the door that i tried to shut...

turning around to face the light that has drawn me.

no matter how hard this will be, no matter how scared i am....

i know i am ready...

because i know He will be with me, guiding and leading each step to dance to a beautiful song that the Songwriter has written especially for me.

http://bit.ly/Spi9♫ is it you? - lee ritenour ft. eric tagg
http://bit.ly/juHcv ♫- ready for love - india arie
http://bit.ly/14HXXx♫ colorblind - counting crows