Monday, March 16, 2009

tears.

my son & i were talking this morning, catching up about his weekend. i went to san diego for some alone time with the girls and i left him with my sister for one night. he was telling me that he really enjoyed the day with his aunt and her boyfriend. he went on and on about how her bf, nick, had taught him how to play baseball and how he took the time to teach him how to properly throw the ball and catch it. then he went on about the other rare guys who actually would take the time to get into his world and show him "how to do stuff" and treat him like a real person instead of just another kid. he knows who those few people are, he mentioned each one by name. i was dumbfounded by this.

i could tell this conversation was going to go somewhere....and it did. he then went on asked me the harder questions. he asked me why do other kids get to have a brother or a sister and he cant. he told me he really wants a constant playmate coz he doesn't want to be an only child. he asked me why other kids get to have a dad and he cant. he said he wants someone who can teach him stuff and not leave when the day ends. he asked me why i have to be soooo busy homeschooling and working that i get sooo preoccupied and tired all the time.

then he cried. he cried coz he said he wishes he could do something to help me not be tired and not have a hard time. at a young age of 8, he can see the reality of the pain that single moms go through everyday. at 8 he wants to be a hero. my hero.

this obviously pained him. the hardest thing for a parent is to see your kids cry because you know they are fighting pain that you wish you could take away, especially at such a tender age. and to not have an answer for them makes it even worst. i feel like my heart broke the moment i saw his tears and his frustration.

i couldn't answer. i didn't know what to say. no bible verse popped in my head. no "look at the bright side" thoughts. just quietness....and tears. i turned around silently, as i tried to fight back the tears that were welling up in my eyes. but it flowed. and it continues to flow now as i think back to our conversation. my son is my hero. he has no idea how much he's changed my life. and i wish that i could give him the answer he needs to still his heart and answer his questions. but i know that this is his lot. and he will have his own battles to face...as he has already started at his tender age. this is painful for a mom to see. and i bear this heavy weight in my heart tonight wishing i could ease the pain.

but i've realized over these past few years that there are instances in life that dont have any answers even if there are a thousand questions. there are things beyond my control - and this is one of them. and the only thing i can share during these times are just my tears. the consequences of my past actions have caught up and my son is in pain because of it.

and so i come before my Father and offer my tears...asking Him to speak to my son's heart and answer those questions and spare him from any more unnecessary pain.
because i would give anything to take that pain away from him.

Psalm 56:8 You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. (NLT)

i think it's time to buy a dog.