Monday, March 2, 2009

the door.

i never used to think about you....
but these past couple of days, you've been on my mind.
for so long, you were something i didn't want.
for so long you were someone i feared.
no face, no body.
you were a dark shadow lurking,
a figment of my imagination that brought much sleepless nights.
everybody else i knew was excited to meet the shadow in their mind.
but the thought of you tormented me, appalled me,.
and terrified me for years...
your imagined existence was a cause of great pain...
pain that wasn't welcome...pain that i didn't want to feel.
it hurt so bad that i chose to push you back,
back into the far recesses of my mind.
to a room i shut you in and pretended like it was not needed to face this fear.
i closed the door to that room in my mind...
i silently wished it would never open....
so i held on to the lock and it remained closed tight for a long time.
i said to myself, my heart will be safe this way...
so my dreams will be pleasant....
and i won't have to face emotions so raw.

but recently, i've found myself going back,
and there is something that is drawing me to come nearer....
around the shut room that i've kept hidden so well.
i've noticed that the door has cracked open...and im catching a glimpse of light.
as if to show me that the darkness of the shadow
that i had imagined and feared so much...
was a self made nightmare.
and your shadow is really a silhouette of something bright and beautiful.

which has got me wondering lately....what it is about you that scares me?
i wonder, if i open that door and i allow myself to meet you...
would you fit the description of the monster in my mind...
or would your scent and your smile pull me in to draw closer to you.
will your tenderness shake off every nightmare
that your shadow has tortured my mind with,
or will you prove to be the horror that plagued me?
will your countenance overwhelm me with joy and peace?
will your touch soothe the pain that your shadow has brought?
or will you add to it once again?

in time, i know unraveling will come...
and i will have to wait to see you face to face..
but as for now, i walk towards this glimpse of light with great precaution...
but this time with a sense of curiosity, a hint of anticipation
and an open heart.
as a ray of light allows me to see each beautiful step that is taken
towards the door that was once closed and shut....
...but now has slightly opened.