Saturday, March 28, 2009

foot in mouth.

uggghhh.....and to think...

i had blogged about this specific topic last year!

to read it pls click on this -->the N word.

and now the foot in mouth disease is back with a vengeance.


i hate it when i have plans in my head that im so confident about...

then it totally back fires on me.

when will i ever learn?!?!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

broken alabaster.

this woman had been so broken at His feet that it caused her to worship Him in complete adoration. there were disciples in the room with her. people who had been with Jesus & performed miracles in His name. there were people there who had received answered prayers and there were people who were "known" as His followers. and yet not one of them worshiped Him the way this woman did.

she knew she was dirty. she knew she was a sinner. she had nothing to hide. her tears and the brokenness of her soul were enough for her to humble herself in front of everybody to cry at His feet. His feet was probably full of dirt. He had been walking around all day...and yet she used her tears and her hair to clean them. she adored Him. she knew her life would mean nothing without Him. and the aroma of the spikenard that had been poured out and broken had filled the entire room and everyone, including Jesus could not help but smell and see the essence of her worship. others were jealous, others just sat - unmoved by the situation and others had the audacity to question.

yet Jesus, brought it back to the heart of the matter. She who has been forgiven much, loves much. that is why she was able to break that costly jar and pour it on Him. He said it was because of her knowing what she's been forgiven from and that is why she loved Him much. that is why she wasn't embarrassed to worship Him the way she did. there was something about this Man that caused her to break the one thing that was important to her...and pour it on His feet.

she toiled for the contents of this jar. i bet she went through a lot of pain to be able to fill this jar with that expensive perfume. tears were sown, hands were toiled, sacrifices were made...and yet..it was so easy for her to break this jar just so that she could worship Him...

i long to be that kind of a worshiper. unmoved by what others say, i love to cry at His feet and worship my King. i love to spend time in the arms of my Maker thanking Him for allowing me to break the jar of my plans, my dreams, my pain, my life, just so i could be closer to Him and feel His heart beat. not many understand why i run after Him with reckless abandon. not many understand why i live the way i do. i know i was dirty. i know i was filth. the cost of the oil in my alabaster jar that has caused me to be broken before Him had been sown with plenty tears...

my broken heart over my extended family who will destroy each other for money.
the pain of growing up abused and molested as a child.
the morbid fears & nightmares that haunted me late at night.
the heartbreak of being left alone pregnant to raise a child by myself.
the scars on my wrists in desperation to "feel" alive when all my emotions were dead.
the emptiness of giving away of yourself to people who don't deserve it in order to feel wanted.
the prison of pornography and sex.
the addiction of substance and alcohol abuse.
rejection.abandonment.brokenness.selfishness.
the horror of seeing women being treated like dirt by my guy friends with my knowledge & approval.
the influence i've had on others to lead them to walk a wayward & perverse lifestyle.
being physically abusive with people that i loved.
hurting people with my words and my hands.
acting out in rage and anger towards others who i didn't even know.
manipulating people and rebelling in order to get what i want.
lust.greed.slander.doubt.worry.


i've been forgiven and that is why i love Him so much.

i look back at my life and see that the cost of the oil that has caused me to worship Him the way i do is indeed painfully great, but it is worth it. and that is also why i continue to break the jar that is my life and i ask Him everyday to keep on breaking me so that i reek the oil of abandoned worship. may i never forget how much i've been forgiven. may i never forget how much He has set me free.

He has replaced the oil that was filthy and filled me with His Beautiful Spirit that has changed me from a wretched, dirty sinner to someone who is shaped into His image and likeness. amazing love indeed. and because of that, i allow myself to be continuously broken, only to be made whole and new in the hands of the Potter. because only He knows what this "vessel" is made for and what it is capable of doing and enduring. and the privilege of being formed & shaped into His image is more than what i can ask for....it is my lifelong pursuit and dream.

to worship at His feet in adoration is where i belong.

Luke 7:37When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, 38and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them. 44Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. 46You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. 47Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." Matt 26:7, Mark 14:3, Luke 7:37, John 11:13

what is the cost of the oil in your alabaster box? what has caused you to live in reckless abandon for Him? trust Him to transform the jar of your tears into a perfume of joy as you allow yourself to be broken by Him.


Monday, March 16, 2009

tears.

my son & i were talking this morning, catching up about his weekend. i went to san diego for some alone time with the girls and i left him with my sister for one night. he was telling me that he really enjoyed the day with his aunt and her boyfriend. he went on and on about how her bf, nick, had taught him how to play baseball and how he took the time to teach him how to properly throw the ball and catch it. then he went on about the other rare guys who actually would take the time to get into his world and show him "how to do stuff" and treat him like a real person instead of just another kid. he knows who those few people are, he mentioned each one by name. i was dumbfounded by this.

i could tell this conversation was going to go somewhere....and it did. he then went on asked me the harder questions. he asked me why do other kids get to have a brother or a sister and he cant. he told me he really wants a constant playmate coz he doesn't want to be an only child. he asked me why other kids get to have a dad and he cant. he said he wants someone who can teach him stuff and not leave when the day ends. he asked me why i have to be soooo busy homeschooling and working that i get sooo preoccupied and tired all the time.

then he cried. he cried coz he said he wishes he could do something to help me not be tired and not have a hard time. at a young age of 8, he can see the reality of the pain that single moms go through everyday. at 8 he wants to be a hero. my hero.

this obviously pained him. the hardest thing for a parent is to see your kids cry because you know they are fighting pain that you wish you could take away, especially at such a tender age. and to not have an answer for them makes it even worst. i feel like my heart broke the moment i saw his tears and his frustration.

i couldn't answer. i didn't know what to say. no bible verse popped in my head. no "look at the bright side" thoughts. just quietness....and tears. i turned around silently, as i tried to fight back the tears that were welling up in my eyes. but it flowed. and it continues to flow now as i think back to our conversation. my son is my hero. he has no idea how much he's changed my life. and i wish that i could give him the answer he needs to still his heart and answer his questions. but i know that this is his lot. and he will have his own battles to face...as he has already started at his tender age. this is painful for a mom to see. and i bear this heavy weight in my heart tonight wishing i could ease the pain.

but i've realized over these past few years that there are instances in life that dont have any answers even if there are a thousand questions. there are things beyond my control - and this is one of them. and the only thing i can share during these times are just my tears. the consequences of my past actions have caught up and my son is in pain because of it.

and so i come before my Father and offer my tears...asking Him to speak to my son's heart and answer those questions and spare him from any more unnecessary pain.
because i would give anything to take that pain away from him.

Psalm 56:8 You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. (NLT)

i think it's time to buy a dog.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

to do list.

so inspired by heather's list & and the notes on facebook that ask you to put an "x" on things that you've done...i decided to make a blog about a journal entry i wrote a few years back (& i've been adding onto that entry ever since) regarding things i would like to do before i wear diapers again (hopefully that's not for a long long time).

Let's CELEBRATE LIFE together!
C'est la vie
  • *drive route 66 done 05/08; drive cross country from cali to new york
  • *sky dive
  • *bungee jump
  • *learn to snowboard done 1/09; go down a black diamond
  • *learn to jet ski, water ski and surf
  • *be a certified scuba diver done summer'94; dive in: the philippines, palau, great barrier reef, swim with a turtle & a dolphin, wreck diving, night diving
  • *see a dead person raised back to life :)
  • *spend a whole day in prayer - for real
  • *ride a motorcycle; drive a motorcycle
  • *get slained in the spirit without being touched by anyone 2002
  • *appreciate sports and watch sports games of: cubs @ wrigley field '07, yankees @ yankee stadium, lakers @ staples center4-9-09, dodgers @ dodgers stadium 7/21/09, cardinals
  • *learn how to play golf or tennis
  • *watch saturday night live or a tonight show live
  • *sleep under the stars - batangas, 01
  • *write my will
  • *try to eat: raw sushi; a full plate of raw vegetables with no sauce; isaw, balut, caviar, a medium rare steak
  • *be there to witness my grandchildren's births & enjoy watching them grow up.
  • *learn to play a musical instrument: flute '88-'92
  • *take classes: massage certified '04; knitting, crafts class, cooking classes
  • *learn a 3rd language (spanish)
  • *get ink work - 1st one - dragon , '94 2nd one - christian's name 1/09
  • *study again. get a certificate, diploma and have a masters degree in theology & counseling.
  • *befriend a homeless person
  • *FAST - 7 day water fast; 19 day liquid fast 21 days liquid fast 1/2011, 1 month liquid fast and my ultimate dream 40 days water fast
  • *watch a launch of a space shuttle
  • *be a mentor
  • *ride a hot air balloon, an elephant, a camel, a helicopter, a private plane
  • *ride amtrak to visit local places & other states chicago to st. louis to chicago
  • *ride fast roller coasters
  • *drive a convertible with music blaring so loud the other drivers hate me
  • *drive a 4x4 through thick mud & through a river
  • *own my own house - preferably one with big windows and near the beach
  • *grow a garden
  • *go white water rafting
  • *go camping
  • *stay in pj's the entire day
  • *drive the autobahn
  • *play in the rain; shower underneath a waterfall
  • *go on mission trips - attend an underground church in china, go on a mission trip in africa and india. (preferably with my son one day)
  • *have kids07/00; adopt kids - one boy, one girl (i pray for them already)
  • *adopt a dog - meet bambam 11.14.09
  • *shave hair off and grow it back long
  • *walk a 5k 10/07, run a 5k non-stop; run a half marathon
  • *to watch the ball drop on NYE in New York
  • *to attend the Rose Bowl Parade here in Pasadena 1/2011
  • *to attend the Thanksgiving Parade in New York
  • *to actually make exercise a part of my lifestyle and go back to 110LBS
  • *walk around in a bikini while pregnant
  • *learn how to speak spanish and write in baybayin
  • *learn how to ballroom dance properly
  • *write a blog & write in it religiously'04-'09
  • *write, publish and sell books that have been written in my heart,
  • *get over fear of speaking'08, share my testimony at a women's conferences and preach & teach God's Word
  • *start a single mom's ministry/ women's ministry that will help others know who the TRUTH is...and share hope and healing to people while encouraging them to dream big.
  • i want to preach. to a crowd of one and a crowd of thousands and tell people about my God.
  •  to help spread awareness to abolish human trafficking.
  • TO MEET THESE PEOPLE: oprah, nelson mandela, bono,  angelina jolie, billy graham, joyce meyer, rick & donna shelton12/07, lynette lewis , eileen fabregas, mary malinao, stormie omartian 07/06, jack hayford, my future adopted kids, christine caine, pharrell, common, justin timberlake, brother yun from the heavenly man, francis chan, kobe bryant, michael jordan,
  • to meet fellow bloggers & twitterers: the whittakers, sara,alece, tracee, the hodge clan, bianca juarez, the clayville clan, crystal renaud, anne jackson, and so much more.
  • *to WANT to want to fall in love & get married (have a beach wedding)
  • *and if i meet my husband i want to join the mile high club ;)
  • *watch justin timberlake, madonna, israel hougton, u2 10.26.09 , prince & michael jackson (RIP) in concert

  • *TRAVEL
    -LOCAL CALIFORNIA:
    Los Angeles - Hollyweird and get a close shot with the hollyweird sign, Malibu, Universal Studios Tour, Disneyland, Disney Concert Hall, Tar Pits, LACMA, Hermosa Beach, Santa Monica, Zuma, Venice, Griffith Observatory, Huntington Gardens, Dodger Stadium, LA Country Fair , Runyon Canyon, eat at Roscoe's Chicken & Waffle House , Museum of Tolerance, Kogi BBQ, Pinks, The Stinkin' Rose, Daikokuya
    Santa Barbara
    San Diego - sea world, legoland
    san diego zoo
    San Francisco (golden gate, susalito, muir woods, oyster point park, candlestick park, cow palace, daly city)
    Napa Valley
    Big Bear
    San Jose
    Pismo Beach
    Lake Tahoe
    Visalia

    Sequoia
    Sacramento
    Yosemite

    -AMERICA:
    Alabama
    Alaska
    Arizona'08 - grand canyon, scottsdale
    Arkansas
    Colorado - Denver, Aspen
    Connecticut
    District of Columbia - Washington DC
    Delaware
    Florida - disneyworld
    Georgia
    Hawaii - Waikiki 09/05, Maui
    Idaho
    Illinois - Chicago '06 & '08
    Indiana '08
    Iowa
    Kansas
    Kentucky
    Louisiana - New Orleans
    Maine
    Maryland - Baltimore (ooh crabcakes YUM)
    Massachusetts - Boston
    Michigan
    Minnesota
    Mississippi
    Missouri - St Louis, the arch, the Ozarks 12/07; 05/08
    Montana
    Nebraska
    Nevada - Vegas, Reno, Tahoe Side of Nevada, 01/09, Hoover Dam '88
    New Hampshire
    New Jersey
    New Mexico 05/08
    New York
    North Carolina - Raleigh
    North Dakota
    Ohio
    Oklahoma 05/08
    Oregon
    Pennsylvania
    Rhode Island
    South Carolina
    South Dakota - Mt. Rushmore
    Tennessee - Nashville
    Texas - Dallas '88 Austin,
    Utah
    Vermont
    Virginia
    Washington - Seattle, Forks (yes..the twilight town)
    West Virginia
    Wisconsin - Madison 11/07
    Wyoming - Yellowstone

    -PHILIPPINES:
    amanpulo
    boracay - yeah i suck, i haven't been :(
    baguio
    davao
    cebu
    bohol - chocolate hills
    tagaytay
    ilocos norte & sur - laoag, vigan, pagudpud
    cagayan valley - callao cave
    surigao del norte
    sagada
    palawan

    -THE WORLD:
    canada -
    mexico - cabo
    rio de janerio
    china - the great wall
    africa, egypt - the pyramids, safari, visit tribes and spend a day with orphans
    italy - venice, rome, florence
    france - paris (eiffel tower, louvre), cannes
    india
    nepal
    bora bora
    germany - experience blocktober :D
    japan - tokyo, mt. fuji
    hong kong
    dubai
    indonesia - bali
    india - calctutta
    australia - great barrier reef, sydney opera house,
    israel - jerusalem, dead sea, jordan river,
    greece - athens
    macedonia
    spain - ibiza
    thailand - to visit a buddhist monastery
    Switzerland
    turkey
    UK - london

  • *a lover of the classics - the finer things in life...my uber-uber wordly-desire is to one day own a/an/anyone of these: tifanny right hand ring; cartier pasha & a patek phillipe watch; pink flowers rolex datejust watch, start a lladro collection, have a few china collections, a classic car collection of a 59 aston martin db mark III or an Alfa-Romeo 6C Gran Sport (1931) or a vintage benz :D

anybody wanna do anything on this list with me? :)

what about you?!?! what's on your list? :D

Thursday, March 5, 2009

stricken with love.

The love of Christ both wounds and heals, it fascinates and frightens, it kills and makes alive, it draws and repulses. There can be nothing more terrible or wonderful than to be stricken with love for Christ so deeply that the whole being goes out in a pained adoration of His person, an adoration that disturbs and disconcerts while it purges and satisfies and relaxes the deep inner heart.

- A.W. Tozer

Monday, March 2, 2009

the door.

i never used to think about you....
but these past couple of days, you've been on my mind.
for so long, you were something i didn't want.
for so long you were someone i feared.
no face, no body.
you were a dark shadow lurking,
a figment of my imagination that brought much sleepless nights.
everybody else i knew was excited to meet the shadow in their mind.
but the thought of you tormented me, appalled me,.
and terrified me for years...
your imagined existence was a cause of great pain...
pain that wasn't welcome...pain that i didn't want to feel.
it hurt so bad that i chose to push you back,
back into the far recesses of my mind.
to a room i shut you in and pretended like it was not needed to face this fear.
i closed the door to that room in my mind...
i silently wished it would never open....
so i held on to the lock and it remained closed tight for a long time.
i said to myself, my heart will be safe this way...
so my dreams will be pleasant....
and i won't have to face emotions so raw.

but recently, i've found myself going back,
and there is something that is drawing me to come nearer....
around the shut room that i've kept hidden so well.
i've noticed that the door has cracked open...and im catching a glimpse of light.
as if to show me that the darkness of the shadow
that i had imagined and feared so much...
was a self made nightmare.
and your shadow is really a silhouette of something bright and beautiful.



















which has got me wondering lately....what it is about you that scares me?
i wonder, if i open that door and i allow myself to meet you...
would you fit the description of the monster in my mind...
or would your scent and your smile pull me in to draw closer to you.
will your tenderness shake off every nightmare
that your shadow has tortured my mind with,
or will you prove to be the horror that plagued me?
will your countenance overwhelm me with joy and peace?
will your touch soothe the pain that your shadow has brought?
or will you add to it once again?

in time, i know unraveling will come...
and i will have to wait to see you face to face..
but as for now, i walk towards this glimpse of light with great precaution...
but this time with a sense of curiosity, a hint of anticipation
and an open heart.
as a ray of light allows me to see each beautiful step that is taken
towards the door that was once closed and shut....
...but now has slightly opened.

weekend.

consisted of:
  • *seeing an "old" new friend, N...i technically don't know how to explain how we met.
  • *picking up another friend, M, who the new- old friend knew.
  • *picking up one of my favorite couples, D&S, who love daikokuya as much as i.
  • *taking the visitor to our favorite ramen place (ofcourse!!)

  • *teaching at church (hooraaaay - my favorite part!)
  • *seeing another old friend,R, in church that i was surprised to see. (what's up with all the people from the past reconnecting with me?!)
  • *going to portos and eating a cheese roll & potato balls (another must have)
  • *going to santa monica to do the "tourist" stuff...(which was really nice coz i love love going to the beach...saturday was a really nice hot day to go) only in LA do you get a really sunny 80+ degree day while it's snowing & cold everywhere else.

  • *seeing really hot pink shoelaces with pink thunders.
  • *sitting in traffic for about 2 hours and drooling over the BMW x5's fancy-shmancy features. sorry no pics of that....i was busy praying in my head, talking to God about maybe Him possibly giving me another car that had everything computerized just like the x5 ;)
  • *meeting up with brother R & sister C - who was the one who "really" knew the friend N.
  • *going to citywalk to do yet another touristy thing...ate again, had coffee, talked, looked at magnets at the magnets store.its a hannah montana thing ;)

    they've had a shot of tito rolo carrying christian every year for about 4 years now

  • *going to church on sunday with my roomie, B, and my Christian.
  • *eating at panera with some of my favorite peeps. again (though they didn't have the cinnamon crunch which kind of bummed me out).

  • *D&S took Christian bowling, which meant i had a few hours to myself (woooh-saaaaahhh)
  • *did laundry
  • *made home made mocha-lattes with my roomies J&B and walked across the park to sit and talk and enjoyed the nice weather outside.

  • *girl talked, listened to music, especially sappy romantic R&B love songs and became nostalgic the whole night.
i got to eat in all my favorite food places in one weekend, i got to go to the beach and i got to talk, reconnect and chill with friends. next to my tahoe weekend, this has to be one of my favorite weekends so far this year. i think it's mostly coz i got to eat at all my favorite restaurants. ha! :) i hate to say this...but LA has really grown on me after 6.5 years. ahhh i love this city!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

ugghh.

tonight i had spent some time with my roommates exchanging life stories and listening to songs in our computer files. i found myself listening to songs that ranged from house to R&B to christian songs to jazz and i ended up listening to love songs.

yes, i said it....love songs! uggghhh...i HARDLY ever listen to love songs, ever! i think i allowed myself to do so once with my friends R. A. M. coz we were at the office and they had bought me a brian mcknight cd and i listened to it...and i ended up being all gushy and super giddy like they've never seen me before...which was kind of weird coz i wasn't in love with anyone at the time.

i thought that that was just something strange that happened once in a lifetime.... and since i don't really listen to much love songs...and it really hasn't happened since....

...until tonight. stupid love songs. and i ended up being sooo giddy...like a crazy woman in love with a ghost coz i technically haven't liked anyone romantically in forever! it was even weirder coz i found myself actually singing along each song with a stupid smile on my face. and im not pms-ing either!

LOL!

this is why a single woman should never ever ever listen to love songs. ever.

now i'm off to sleep with a super big smile on my face that i can't seem to erase. yeeaaaahh...not good! ugghhh.

goodnight!