Tuesday, February 3, 2009

ms. independent.

tahoe experience (part 1).

i had so much fun these past few days. we (me, my son, C&R & another couple A&C) went on a 4 day vacation to the nevada side of tahoe. it was a much needed time of relaxation and rest. and i learned sooo much about myself in 4 days!

aside from one whole day of snowboarding (that was a lot of fun), we did nothing but stay in the cabin and chilled except for an occasional walk to the lake or the small shops in the town! and i loved it! it was a change for me, that i did NOTHING! that the guys did most of the cooking except for the super bowl dinner, that the guys did all of the packing, all the grocery shopping, all the planning and mostly all the paying. i just went along with the ride. :)

the whole time...i kept on asking my sister "shouldn't we be doing something??" and she just looked at me and said....uhhhhmm "watch tv with me." :) it took that and a person that i had just met that weekend to tell me that "i didn't know how to keep still". LOL. i know she meant well....but that one observation by a stranger hit home and brought about lot of self-contemplating moments.

i realized that i've turned into such a "planner" & a "do-er" that i often don't allow myself to rest. i have lost the art of chillin' & relaxing...even if by nature...i'm probably one of the most craziest-chill person you'll ever meet... but it's fake...in my heart...i am constantly busy and worried. because i've gotten so used to the thought of "taking on the burden myself" that i hardly allow myself to inquire anyone's help unless im desperate.... i've realized that the stress of parenting solo has made me think of everything as a "task-to-do". i often stress myself out to the point of having chest pains just by thinking. it's terrible i know. i allowed myself to become overly-independent. ask any one of my roommates and they'll tell you, that i'd rather be in the kitchen wiping down the counters or do "other stuff" than to sit in the couch to watch a movie with them.

i can't really help it... after all, the responsibility to be the head of my family can be extremely stressful & daunting at times... so i don't really know how to do it any other way.. so wherever i am, im always constantly thinking...(e.g. fixing my son's stuff, sports schedule, work stuff, how to pay the bills, what to cook, how to get my car fixed, how my family is, all the while taking other people's burdens and crying out to God for them). the only time i'll ever sit in front of a tv is to watch 24 and i'm mostly tensed up while watching it coz im waiting for jack bauer's next move. :)

i realized that im a sucker for "non-relaxation moments"... and that i have a bad case of "independent-ism". meaning i will try to do everything myself... because i'm so used to it... that i don't even know how it feels like to be taken care of anymore.

so i guess you can imagine that this weekend was quite an experience for me. and the fact that the husbands were doing mostly all the work coz they wanted their wives to relax... well, i was very very impressed! because people who know me...know that i've ALWAYS been "ms.-i-can-take-care-of-myself-and-my-son-and-the-kids-that-i-will-adopt-in-the-future-and-i-want-to-buy-myself-a-3-carat-right-hand-ring-one-day-coz-i-don't-ever-wanna-get-married-since-i-don't-need-a-man-coz-im-an-independent-woman." :D

so seeing husbands take care of their wives first hand was so very intriguing to me. by the last night of the vacation, i was talking to God in my prayers and i caught myself saying "so that's how it feels like to be taken care of....i wanna be taken care of too God...however way you choose to show that is up to You...but i want that".

somehow this new desire in me to be less dependent, to be taken care of has become more endearing to me as each day passes...which is very surprising!

yep....that ms. independent description was me...(like how i say was?!?). i thought it sounded good to my ears. but now i see how much of that was really pride in me and how much of that was rooted in fear. this is not by any means, a "desperation to get married coz i don't wanna be single cry of my heart"....

in fact, it's the opposite. it's the cry of desperation to be free. free from pride, doubt and fear...free from "my own independence". and like i said...this year....i don't want fear or doubt to rule me... i wanna be free enough to know that i am not so independent after all .... coz i do need others to grow with in this journey called life. that i am dependent on a helping hand from time to time... i need encouragement from the Word and from others. i need hugs, i need family & friends to preach & teach & love & correct, i need to have others to laugh with & i need shoulders to cry on... i need someone to cook the dinner from time to time... and i need someone to babysit christian occasionaly so i can have time to be "me". i need to hear my son say i" love you", just to get me through a really rough day... and if one day God permits, He brings a husband along my path, i choose to believe that it will be a blessing and not a curse to be dependent on a man for his help and his love.

most of all i need God even more. i need to just rest in His embrace...to remind myself to be still because He is God so i have nothing to worry about...to teach myself to be dependent in Him for ALL things. coz i know ultimately...it is my awesome Father's pleasure to take care of me... and He wants nothing but the best for me... and because of that...i choose to be ms. independent no more.

*thank you to these 2 beautiful couples for teaching me this wonderful lesson.

Luke 12: 22 Jesus said, That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food to eat or enough clothes to wear. 23 For life is more than food, and your body more than clothing. 24 Look at the ravens. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for God feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than any birds! 25 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? 26 And if worry can’t accomplish a little thing like that, what’s the use of worrying over bigger things? 27 “Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 28 And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?29 “And don’t be concerned about what to eat and what to drink. Don’t worry about such things.30 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers all over the world, but your Father already knows your needs. 31 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and He will give you everything you need. (nlt)

1Corinthians 11: 11 But among the Lord’s people, women are not independent of men, and men are not independent of women. 12 For although the first woman came from man, every other man was born from a woman, and everything comes from God (nlt)