Saturday, February 28, 2009

one step closer.

i officially taught a class for the 2nd time in my life earlier today...i mean i teach all the time during my bible study group & once last month for a class at church, but since i taught sitting didn't seem to make me as nervous and shaky...but today...i was actually able to stand behind the podium in our church....*gasp* and speak with a mic (i don't like hearing my voice in the speakers) and officially teach one of our classes at church. imagine that! and i didn't even break into a sweat that much (i guess it's coz it was a small class & i knew most everyone there)! and i didn't "read off my notes"...i just let it flow.

and although i was very very nervous and was quite intimidated and i even said "the book of ramen" instead of romans...LOL....i actually loved every minute of it! (i had ramen the night before & i was actually thinking of it while i was speaking). i wore a big smile the whole day. it's like i felt a launch in my heart as i was reminded that what i was doing was part of God's plan in my life and a fulfillment of a dream He's been showing me for quite a while. i am sooo overwhelmed right now that it brings me to tears.

i can't describe the joy that my heart felt to be used by God as an instrument to speak about and share His love to others....and to be able to overcome my long time fear of speaking in front of a crowd. for the first time in my life....i'm actually excited about speaking in public (hopefully, i get more chances in the future).

who would've thought that He knew what He was saying yeeeaarrs ago when He gave me a dream and i saw myself standing on a stage - speaking to a crowd. like sarai, i laughed, i ran from it, denied it and even mocked it. i said to myself..."impossible".

tonight, in repentance of heart & a new found awe for my King, i found myself saying:

"thank You, thank You my God, for knowing better than me. thank You that you didn't listen to me when i said i didn't want to ever speak in front and minister to people. thank You for giving me a chance today to show Your heart by sharing the crazy-amazingly-wonderful things You've done in my life. thank You for believing in me, when i didn't believe in myself or in You. thank You for sending friends along the way to speak destiny into me. This is all for You. i speak for an audience of ONE...the ONE who allowed me to be broken in order to make me whole. thank You for holding my hand and leading me each step of the way. today i feel as if i've taken one step closer to the destiny that You've planned out for me since the beginning of time...and i am extremely grateful that You trusted me with such a big task -to minister to your daughters. i am so amazed by You. truly You deliver those who love You from ALL their fears, YOU made one of my biggest dreams come true. indeed NOTHING is impossible with you. i love You."

Thursday, February 26, 2009

photographer's spotlight.

im on her spotlight. check it out!

jenmayphotography's blog

and check out her awesome work on the website:


to have a really awesome photographer as your friend has its perks :)

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

sacred body.

this whole week, i've been studying for a class that i'm going to teach this weekend regarding "freedom from addictions". as i read the scriptures on the lessons...i came across this verse:

"Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body." 1Corinthians 6:19-20 NLT

i looked up another translation of this verse and it said this:
"Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don't you see that you can't live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body." MSG

wow. those verses shot through my heart as soon as i read it. the verses i shared above is often used for those who are involved in sexual sin (since the context of the verses before verse 19 was regarding that)... but as i was reading it... i was so caught up with the word "sacred place" that i had to stop and think about it for a while.

my body is a sacred place. come on & say it with me..."my body is a sacred place." WOW! WOW! WOW! if i ever have a chance to visit some "sacred" place one day, say the oval office, i know i would be very careful of what i bring into the place...i would never think of leaving trash inside or to loiter trash around it....and i would treat the place with much respect....

yet, i wonder then, why i don't treat my body that way.

now i'm not talking about me going off having sex anytime the itchin' needs a scratchin' or me smokin' weed & cigarettes & drinking so much. nope...that's not what i'm talking about. coz i've been freed from those addictions years ago....and it feels good to be free from them.

but what about my current addictions that don't make my body so sacred?!?! like maybe twitter... or coffee.... sweets... & chocolates.... facebook... even blogging sometimes.... carbs... eating too much.... what about gossip?... or coffee (oh wait did i say that already? ;) ha!).... what about me being addicted to comfort & laziness (thus why i hate exercising)... what about me being addicted to worrying (thus the insomnia & other factors stress brings).

as i studied the material that im going to teach... God started to prod my heart and He showed me certain things that i needed to change. although i've come a long way from being the old person i once was....i am still a work in progress...and there is always more work to be done in me to make me a better person.

as i've spent time in the Word studying, God has spoken to my heart that i should lead & teach by example...."Dear brothers and sisters, not many of you should become teachers in the church, for we who teach will be judged more strictly." James 3:1 NLT. ugghhh...what did i get myself into when i put myself out there to teach?!?! and of all things...i had to pick freedom from addictions! LOL.

so tonight i post this blog and i sort of hope that you help keep me accountable. like i said in my previous blog....i want to do whatever it takes to get me to the place where "my mind is quieted with His love & that i learn to properly take care of His sacred temple".

i have decided to stay away from certain things & what a better time to start it that during the lenten season...( not catholic...but these *people have inspired me to somehow fast during this season)....

well im not gonna give up everything entirely...coz i am not going to make a stupid & drastic move that i'm not going to be able to follow through with...i ain't super woman....some of these things i'll be fasting from for a few days, some i'm just hoping to give it up for good (like i did with nicotine & alcohol & such).

they say it takes 21 to 30 days to build a good habit. well here are my current "addictions" that i'd like to see myself change. within the next 46 days (lent - wednesday till easter sunday april 12, 2009) i wil try to sacrifice my "wants" in order for me to attain the goal of a "quiet mind & a sacred body"... here they are in random order:

  • 1. my coffee habit - i am not at a place where i want to give it up completely just yet...i really do enjoy my coffee (hence the blog theme)...but i do want to lessen my caffeine intake down to one cup a day. (i usually have 2-3).
  • 2. sweets - no random sweets on weekdays. no using pms as an excuse for eating chocolates either. sweets are to be eaten only on weekends and in moderation.
  • 3.i will be staying away from twitter & facebook for the moment. LOL. just coz i wanna prove to myself that i'm not addicted to following ashton, demi, shaq & mchammer! nyahaha! and i will instead use this time for something more productive - like praying, meditating, reading a book, playing with my son or just relaxing my mind.
  • 4. my sleeping habits. i will not be sleeping at 3am! everything shut down by midnight.... follow the schedule - yep...i actually have a schedule written down just like a child! LOL...embarrasing!
  • 5. my eating habits - starting march 3 till 40 days after (the day before easter)...i will stay away from unnecessary carbs (asians love their white rice) and replace it with veggies & fruits (blech!) and drink my juice plus & monavie every day!
  • 6. my exercise habit - which is non-existent right now. i am signing up for a 5k walk/run event this april, plus i will also be a bridesmaid, so from now until then...i have to atleast start walking to get ready for those two events....
  • 7. to drink 8 glasses of water a day.
  • 8. and hopefully if i get proper sleep, i eat properly, i exercise atleast 3x a week, and i stay away from time wasters....i will be able to get my weight down from this (which is my "i just woke up and haven't eaten/drank anything but will gain 3 more lbs in the next 3 hours weight") to probably about 125-130 within the next 3-6 months. (my dream goal is 115-120!) i know some of you must be thinking "you're not fat...i weigh so much more than you"... but please don't get me wrong... it's not about being "fat". i really don't feel healthy with my body right now. it's not being me i am the furthest from being insecure about my fact sometimes i'm "over-secure!" LOL! but my height to weight ratio is soooo off... and i find myself catching my breath after climbing a few steps in the stairs that i feel like i haven't really been doing a good job taking care of His temple... and that is why i wanna lose unnecessary weight. it wouldn't hurt to take care of my heart either.
  • 9. last - if i have nothing nice to say - don't say anything at all. (wow - please pray for me on this one!!) i've been trying this since the fast we had at the beginning of the year.... and its HARD! Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Philippians 2:3

so there. here are my top 9 complete change of mindset ways in order for me to give Him the "sacred body" He deserves to live in. pray for me...hopefully i can "walk my talk" these next 40 days that it can become a lifestyle for me :)! if you have tips, suggestions or anything you'd like to talk about what you think you could be giving up too...please feel free to comment & share :)

*people - carlos whittaker, anne jackson, crystal renaud

Monday, February 23, 2009

unwind my mind.

it's been quiet up in here. i've been trying to figure out if i:

a.) have been too busy with life, work, family, friends this week.
b.) don't really know what to write about for this moment
c.) have found something else to waste my extra-time with that i haven't had the chance to sit in silence to think & flow. (hint: it has a lot to do reading other people's blogs - so many beautiful stories out there and it also has to do with a lil tweet tweet bird)
d.) all of the above.

as much as letter c sounds like the biggest culprit...i believe the answer is really letter d.

i feel like i have so much i'd like to say (when have i never had anything to say in the first place??)....but my creative juices haven't been flowing this past week. as i brought this to prayer, i got this verse.

ecclesiastes 3:7b there is a time to be quiet and a time to speak.

if you hang around me long know that the only times that i will ever be super quiet is if im soooo deep into worshiping God that there are no words to express how grateful i feel, or when i sit in utter amazement as i watch my son build & create things with his hands or when i watch awesome indivuduals who effortlessly move in their own natural giftings that they can actually shut me up coz im so in awe (i.e. when this guy teaches). that's really it. everything else i usually have an opinion for and i'm never afraid to share it.

even if i'm by mind is never quiet. i'm always thinking, thinking, processing, worrying - "how to pay the bills, fix the car, prioritize my time with my son, etc." maybe it's the effect of waaay too much caffeine. LOL! or maybe its just how i've trained myself to be wired. it's very noisy inside my mind.

that is also why i find that i cannot seem to sleep early. coz i'd rather be up thinking than asleep resting. i know...pretty sad. =( and if i find that there is nothing to think about...i read about what others are thinking about (hence twitter, cnn, crosswalk & the tons of blogs i follow and read). yeah...i am finally admitting it....i'm addicted to over-analyzing & worrying about things. blech!

i really really want to undo that kind of "always thinking" attitude. so last week, i had made a decision to read and re-read my last love letter and stay stuck there until i allowed myself to be quieted with His love - zeph.3:17. although i've just started to embrace that concept of living quiet in His love...this past week has already been extremely refreshing. being quiet in His presence reminded me that it is the best therapy for a noisy mind...not writing a blog... (although blogging is very therapeutic for me)..not chatting with friends and family who live half way around the world, not reading tweets of certain celebrities! although it's fun to do those things that i've mentioned...the first place i should run to when i need my "therapy" should be in the arms of the One who loves my soul.

they say it takes 30 days to build a habit....(i'm doing a study right now about addictions). i don't want the habit of constantly thinking and worrying. i want to be able to be at the point where His voice drown out the noises in my head. i've noticed that i've written a few blogs about this topic so i guess it means it's something im really struggling with. spiritual goal for this month is: to learn how to quiet my heart and unwind my mind. :) no fear, no stress. to learn to just breathe and be still. it means i have to embrace a certain type of lifestyle and thought pattern that i'm not completely used to in order for me to meet that goal. but i want to be a person that embraces growth & matter how hard.. so i will do whatever it takes for me to grow in this area. these next few weeks, i will explore the different ways in order for me to grow.

okay time for me to get some zzzz's.

next blog: my physical goal for this month.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

my dear bride.

my dear bride,

I am holding your hand so don't be afraid, I am here to help you, don't worry (isaiah 41:13)

I am here at your side (isaiah 42:6cev)

I have rescued you,I have called you by name and now you belong to me. When you cross deep rivers, I will be with you and you won't drown. To me, you are very dear and I love you. Don't be afraid for I am with you. I want you to know me, to trust and understand. I can rescue you, I promise to save you, no one can snatch you from me (isaiah 43:2, 4, 5, 10, 12,13)

You are in my care, don't be are my chosen, my very favorite (isaiah 44:1-2)

I have called you by name and highly honored you. I will keep you safe and free from shame (isaiah 45:4,17)

I have carried you along, i will still be the same, when you are old and gray, and I will take care of you. I will carry you and always keep you safe. (isaiah 46:3-4)

I will never forget you, you are always in my thought, you are continually before me, you are as lovely as a bride, wearing her jewelry (isaiah 49:15,16,18)

I, even I, am He who comforts you, who are you that you should be afraid? (isaiah 50:12)

Don't be afraid—you're not going to be embarrassed. Don't hold back—you're not going to come up short. You'll forget all about the humiliations of your youth, and the indignities of being a widow will fade from memory. For your Maker is your bridegroom. Your Redeemer is the God of the whole earth. You were like an abandoned wife, devastated with grief, and God welcomed you back, Like a woman married young and then left," says your God. Your Redeemer God says: "I left you, but only for a moment. Now, with enormous compassion, I'm bringing you back. It's with lasting love that I'm tenderly caring for you. (isaiah 54:4-8)

I will guide you continually...and satisfy your soul...and strengthen your bones. You shall be like a watered garden...and like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. You shall raise up the foundations of many generations. (isaiah 58:11-12)

When you see this your faces will glow; your hearts will pound and swell with pride. Treasures from across the see and the wealth of nations will be brought to you.(isaiah 60:5)

Instead of shame and dishonor, you will enjoy a double share of honor. You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours. (isaiah 61:7)

The Lord will hold you in his hand for all to see—a splendid crown in the hand of God. Never again will you be called “The Forsaken City” or “The Desolate Land.” Your new name will be “The City of God’s Delight” and “The Bride of God,” for the Lord delights in you and will claim you as his bride. Your children will commit themselves to you, O Jerusalem, just as a young man commits himself to his bride. Then God will rejoice over you as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride. (isaiah 62:3-5)

happy valentines day my precious bride. i love you.


Your Bridegroom

Friday, February 13, 2009

dear mr. blockbuster.

dear mr. blockbuster,

today, i promised my son that we would go to you to rent out movies for him as my valentines day gift because tonight, my girlfriends and i decided to get together and throw a movie, munchies & makeover night. he was supposed to sleep over a friend's house but the fam is sick with the flu bug (pls. pray for the rapiers!) and so i thought that maybe keeping him busy with madagascar 2 will keep him entertained so that he won't feel too tortured about staying inside the room while a bunch of women are outside in the living room watching sappy love stories :p

so we go & drive over to you & picked up the madagascar2 dvd and as i stood in front of the counter to pay....i saw the sign: pre-order your twilight dvd!! i gasped...and then frowned and your employee just shook his head coz he knew i was staring at the twilight poster in dismay. i was bummed, coz i really wanted the dvd...but i don't really have enough to make ends meet this month, much less buy an "unpirated dvd"....LOL! soooo my son just looked at me as if to say "let it go mom!" and i did and just sighed.

as i opened my wallet to pay for the dvd rental, i saw a magic gold card shining at me....someone had given a gift card, mr. blockbuster, with your name on it! it was given to me waaay back in december as a bday gift & i forgot all about it - since i don't really watch movies that much. :) it's as if it was waiting in my wallet for a special occasion to happen! i KNEW this was the special occasion.

sooooooo.......u know what i did!!!

woooo-hoooooooooo!!! i am super-dee-duper happy!

this is my valentines day present for me.... to have carlisle in my collection...foreverrrrr! :) thank you mr. blockbuster for random gift cards & for pre-selling twilight. see you again on march 21! i will be there lining up with the countless obsessed teenagers waiting to get my copy! :) advanced happy valentines day!


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

dear streusel cake.

dear streusel cake,

i just ate you and your friend for lunch and washed you down with vanilla flavored coffee....

which is weird...coz i usually drink my coffee black....and i normally don't like streusels.

now i feel gross.
could it be...that it's P-rovide M-e S-weets time again!?!!??! :)

i guess so...
sorry for not taking the time to savor you and your friend....

and sorry if i vented my monthly frustration on you.

enjoy the time in my tummy dear streusel.


Monday, February 9, 2009

dearest christian.

dearest christian,

you probably will never fully know the depth of my love for you. you probably will not comprehend how much having you has changed my life. i often hear you say to me "you're the best mom ever..." and i joke around and say "i know i am"... today i want you to know... that i'm only the "best mom" because i have such a wonderful child like you.

God gave me you, so that i would learn to live and to love.

your energy...reminds me to keep on having fun and not be a boring adult.
your hugs...tell me that there is a safe place.
your kisses...makes my soul smile.
your tears...makes my heart break.
your playfulness...keeps me in touch with my inner child.
your hunger for knowledge...challenges me to keep up with the times.
your friendliness...reminds me to see the best in you always do.
your stubbornness...teaches me that i have to be a better role model & practice what i preach.
your child-like & inspires me to believe in the impossible.
your laughter...teaches me that there is more to life than my problems.
your a mirror of my flaws.
your imagination...reminds me to dream big.
your obedience...teaches me that i need to obey the first time with a good heart too.
your me strength to keep on.

when i was younger, there were many-a-days that passed by that i was asking for God to do a "great thing" in my life...without realizing fully that you are that great thing. now i know better. though my heart burns for many things and i often dream of reaching the world, it is raising you to be a man after God's own heart that is one of my greatest desires.

psalm 127:3-5 Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior’s hands. How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them! He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers at the city gates. (niv)

our bed time stories consists of a you as a warrior, a hero, saving damsels in distress with a sword and shield in your hands... as you beat dragons and bad guys... always unafraid to confront the enemy. always victorious. i believe those stories are prophetic pictures of who you will become in the future. (i just hope though, that you stick with one damsel...instead of the different damsels you seem to talk to me about!) ;) you are an arrow, a weapon to launch...and i hope that this time i have with you while you are young - to sharpen you, to hone your gifts as a warrior of Christ, will be enough of a training ground so that one day, when it is your time to be launched, you will pierce the hearts of many for Christ.

i am honored that God has chosen me to raise a world changer like you. the privilege to be your mother is my highest calling.

love you so so very much,

Thursday, February 5, 2009

dearest pat.

dearest pat (as you liked to be called back then),

there are so many things i'd like to say to you...coz there are so many things you need to know. you think you know everything... but you are dead wrong...and i know you probably hate me for saying that...coz i know you hate to be corrected. but please hear me out a bit because i love you and it might do you some good to listen to me.

this life you hate so much will bring much pleasure to fact, a surprise is coming much sooner than you think & it will change you forever, but more about that later. your life will be great... but it will not be the same life that you expected to have... it will be so much better than you've ever dreamed of...but here's a couple of things you really need to know:

*first of all, those drug-nicotine-alcohol addictions of yours...please DON'T waste your money & your health on think you need it to numb the pain...well, you don't. in fact, you will even make a choice one day to give ALL of those things up and will choose live purely until you get married! (*gasp-celibacy*) imagine that! :) but you will be so filled with joy & peace coz you'll become a junkie for something else..

*the relationship that you're holding on to... well...let me tell you right now to stay far, far away from that coz it's not going to do you any good & will only cause you pain. you will learn that you don't need a relationship to validate you... will remain single for quite some time (7 years & counting) and you will be waiting till a special someone comes along who will be so deserving of you and your son....but until that will be very content, happy and satisfied. you will learn how to love & respect yourself and esteem yourself very highly... because you will find out who and Whose you really are...

*let's talk about your hair... please grow it out. girl... never-ever shave off your hair matter how crazy or cool you think you are. in a few years, a girl named britney spears will shave her hair off and while everyone else thinks its stupid - you will be smiling...coz you know in your heart you cannot dare judge her coz will remember how stupid you were for doing that too.

*please, please for the life of me - stay in school! if there is anything you will regret in the is that you didn't finish school. trust me! don't skip classes and don't get into anymore fights so you don't get kicked out (you've got to control your anger issues woman!). stop wearing that mask of toughness... coz you know that's not really you. plus, in the future when you & your old friends meet up and they start talking about how they were literally scared of you coz you were a "war freak", you'll be embarrassed by it... coz that's not how you wanna be remembered.

*the family you hate so much...well cherish it... cherish the out of town trips and the scuba-diving-together...coz one day it's not going to happen anymore. in fact, when your parents separate... and your sisters grow up & move on in will miss those times.

*you will learn to have emotions...and you will cry - A LOT! you will have friends who will teach you to embrace the beauty of being a woman and will teach you the gift of crying. and you'll find out how liberating it is to cry and to feel and you will love it! (one of those friends will be your sister in law too!)

*speaking of friends, most of the ones you hang out with now will only be part of your life for a season so be wise with what you invest with them. and please don't influence them to do bad things. you're being stupid. in fact, a few years from will see them again on facebook or myspace and they will send you messages saying..."oh my have long hair're such a girl!!" or "do you remember when you did this_____??" and you will be mortified that they actually remember the stuff that you've blocked off your memory! Haha!! some of those friends though, will be your friends for life. don't worry, you'll figure out who they are :)

*remember your dream to be a power-hungry-politician-socialite-??? well that is soon about to change. you say you never want children... well you are, again, dead wrong. one day, your big dream will be to go on mission trips to love on orphans, you will want to write books and speak at conferences to share the Hope that you have found. the abuse that has pained you for so many years... well that will be the driving force for you to want to help others. yep, i said it... you will have a desire to go in ministry... (remember kicking those pastors coz they said they can "see you doing that in the future")? LOL!! one day, you will recall each and every person who has prayed for you... and your heart will burst with joy as you realize how much you were really loved, even if, you think right now that no one loves you.

*about your surprise, welllll, he will come to you about the time you become an official adult. you will get pregnant (you know you shouldn't have been having sex outside of marriage anyway), and you will be left to raise a son on your own. you will be terrified and it's not going to be easy... but the day you meet him will be the day you will feel love for the very first time. oh'll undergo emergency c-section so spare yourself the 12 hour labor pains and tell them to cut you open.

anyway, this child is going to be God's gift to you. coz He knows that without this child, you will still remain a selfish-cold-hearted brat. this child will teach you many, many things and he will be a source of much joy. his smile will warm your heart and you will fall in love with the role you play as a mother - so much that you will want to adopt other kids in the future. he will be an easy child to raise... he will looove sports, he's witty and he will make you laugh a lot. you will see your heart walking around with two feet and your heart will feel emotions that you thought you'd never feel. he will be a tool for you to learn about the love of "Father God". though being a single mama won't be easy, you will even amaze yourself as to how much being a mom transformed you. oh yeah.... you love to homeschool and scrapbook too! LOL such a girly-girl you will become!

*oh yeah...did i tell will be a woman who loves to pray. i know... it sounds weird huh? i guess you've figured it out by now that you will be one of those "weird-a**-born-again-christians" you hated so much!! and a hard-core one while i'm at it. you will be a Jesus Junkie. the God who you thought abandoned you... well He is going to chase you down and you are going to fall so much in love with Him. you will find out how much He loooves you. you are going to fall in love with the Bible and you will find so much joy in leading bible studies and serving others - because your heart is to see others know God and to see them live their life to the fullest.

*see i know you've always been an "extreme" kind of you're extremely rebellious but when God gets a hold of your heart, lady, He will turn you into a different person in a few years time that others and even you will be shocked at your transformation...and you will have so much love and joy. and the peace that you've been looking for your whole life will become yours...

*oh yeah...lil' girl...cherish the moments of "midriff, belly baring, tight fitted shirts"...coz it is never-ever going to happen again! everrrr!! uhhmmm your stomach will have the trophy of motherhood written all over it (stretch marks) so enjoy it while it lasts! you will also gain pregnancy weight that will still be there 8.5 years after you've given birth! :) sorry...i didn't really take care of our body that well...but i'm working on it.

*you will move back to Cali, you will have gone from riches-to-rags-to-just-making-enough within this decade to teach you that money isn't everything and you will find out what humility means! you will receive 3 free cars, be saved from death 2x and a lot of other will see God take care of you in ways you never could think of. you will fall in love with the magic that is chocolate! you will have to learn to eat vegetables one day coz your son will make you eat it. you will work at random places in LalaLand and you will meet amazingly-wonderfully-cooky people from all over just like yourself that you will call your friends :)

BUT not everything about you will change though...
*you will still laugh loud and you still don't care about others who look at you "weird" coz of your boisterous laugh.
*you still prefer jeans and flipflops over girly clothes.
*you will still be addicted to coffee
*you will still be super close to your sister C, and B, & K will be added to your brood shortly.
*you still hate being corrected...but this time you're more open to it.
*you still love dogs!
*you are still very sarcastic :D
*you still love to dance, especially to house music & you still go out from time to time.
*you still have a temper...but you're working really hard to change that.... and in the next
decade... your wish is to tell yourself that you don't have a temper anymore.
*you still love your color...even if everyone in the philippines thought that "light" was the way to go... you've always loved being brown
*you still love the beach...
*you still have a fascination for tattoos :)
*you still loooove to watch romantic comedies and you will still cry and gasp at all the kilig
*you still love jewelry, china, boots, men's watches & perfumes & ralph lauren

somethings never change i guess ;)

yep...your life will be super-awesome...and there are so many more things in store along the way that have yet to be unfolded... so stop trying to think of ways to end your life and stop hurting yourself... coz you are soooo loved, you are extremely special... you are a very strong woman. and you will soon find out that the strength that you have physically is only half of the picture of the strength you have spiritually and there is a mighty destiny in store for you where you will leave a legacy to future generations.

be excited.... :) i can't wait to see what the next decade has in store for us!

Love - a heavier but much older & wiser,

love letters.

because valentines day is coming up, i decided to do posts from now till then called "the letter series", where i will write letters to anything or anyone since i don't really have a significant other to write to this "rub it in my face that i am single v-day".

some of the letters may be funny, some not so funny, some romantic, some just pure non-sense....

i'd like to start the letter series off by writing my first love letter to my teenage self (so it's going to be quite long - half love letter-half sermon!).

this post from not a bow in sight inspired me to do this....

i think this series is going to be a lot of fun. :) i could write one for you watch out...

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

ms. independent.

tahoe experience (part 1).

i had so much fun these past few days. we (me, my son, C&R & another couple A&C) went on a 4 day vacation to the nevada side of tahoe. it was a much needed time of relaxation and rest. and i learned sooo much about myself in 4 days!

aside from one whole day of snowboarding (that was a lot of fun), we did nothing but stay in the cabin and chilled except for an occasional walk to the lake or the small shops in the town! and i loved it! it was a change for me, that i did NOTHING! that the guys did most of the cooking except for the super bowl dinner, that the guys did all of the packing, all the grocery shopping, all the planning and mostly all the paying. i just went along with the ride. :)

the whole time...i kept on asking my sister "shouldn't we be doing something??" and she just looked at me and said....uhhhhmm "watch tv with me." :) it took that and a person that i had just met that weekend to tell me that "i didn't know how to keep still". LOL. i know she meant well....but that one observation by a stranger hit home and brought about lot of self-contemplating moments.

i realized that i've turned into such a "planner" & a "do-er" that i often don't allow myself to rest. i have lost the art of chillin' & relaxing...even if by nature...i'm probably one of the most craziest-chill person you'll ever meet... but it's my heart...i am constantly busy and worried. because i've gotten so used to the thought of "taking on the burden myself" that i hardly allow myself to inquire anyone's help unless im desperate.... i've realized that the stress of parenting solo has made me think of everything as a "task-to-do". i often stress myself out to the point of having chest pains just by thinking. it's terrible i know. i allowed myself to become overly-independent. ask any one of my roommates and they'll tell you, that i'd rather be in the kitchen wiping down the counters or do "other stuff" than to sit in the couch to watch a movie with them.

i can't really help it... after all, the responsibility to be the head of my family can be extremely stressful & daunting at times... so i don't really know how to do it any other way.. so wherever i am, im always constantly thinking...(e.g. fixing my son's stuff, sports schedule, work stuff, how to pay the bills, what to cook, how to get my car fixed, how my family is, all the while taking other people's burdens and crying out to God for them). the only time i'll ever sit in front of a tv is to watch 24 and i'm mostly tensed up while watching it coz im waiting for jack bauer's next move. :)

i realized that im a sucker for "non-relaxation moments"... and that i have a bad case of "independent-ism". meaning i will try to do everything myself... because i'm so used to it... that i don't even know how it feels like to be taken care of anymore.

so i guess you can imagine that this weekend was quite an experience for me. and the fact that the husbands were doing mostly all the work coz they wanted their wives to relax... well, i was very very impressed! because people who know me...know that i've ALWAYS been "ms.-i-can-take-care-of-myself-and-my-son-and-the-kids-that-i-will-adopt-in-the-future-and-i-want-to-buy-myself-a-3-carat-right-hand-ring-one-day-coz-i-don't-ever-wanna-get-married-since-i-don't-need-a-man-coz-im-an-independent-woman." :D

so seeing husbands take care of their wives first hand was so very intriguing to me. by the last night of the vacation, i was talking to God in my prayers and i caught myself saying "so that's how it feels like to be taken care of....i wanna be taken care of too God...however way you choose to show that is up to You...but i want that".

somehow this new desire in me to be less dependent, to be taken care of has become more endearing to me as each day passes...which is very surprising!

yep....that ms. independent description was me...(like how i say was?!?). i thought it sounded good to my ears. but now i see how much of that was really pride in me and how much of that was rooted in fear. this is not by any means, a "desperation to get married coz i don't wanna be single cry of my heart"....

in fact, it's the opposite. it's the cry of desperation to be free. free from pride, doubt and from "my own independence". and like i said...this year....i don't want fear or doubt to rule me... i wanna be free enough to know that i am not so independent after all .... coz i do need others to grow with in this journey called life. that i am dependent on a helping hand from time to time... i need encouragement from the Word and from others. i need hugs, i need family & friends to preach & teach & love & correct, i need to have others to laugh with & i need shoulders to cry on... i need someone to cook the dinner from time to time... and i need someone to babysit christian occasionaly so i can have time to be "me". i need to hear my son say i" love you", just to get me through a really rough day... and if one day God permits, He brings a husband along my path, i choose to believe that it will be a blessing and not a curse to be dependent on a man for his help and his love.

most of all i need God even more. i need to just rest in His remind myself to be still because He is God so i have nothing to worry teach myself to be dependent in Him for ALL things. coz i know is my awesome Father's pleasure to take care of me... and He wants nothing but the best for me... and because of that...i choose to be ms. independent no more.

*thank you to these 2 beautiful couples for teaching me this wonderful lesson.

Luke 12: 22 Jesus said, That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food to eat or enough clothes to wear. 23 For life is more than food, and your body more than clothing. 24 Look at the ravens. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for God feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than any birds! 25 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? 26 And if worry can’t accomplish a little thing like that, what’s the use of worrying over bigger things? 27 “Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 28 And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?29 “And don’t be concerned about what to eat and what to drink. Don’t worry about such things.30 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers all over the world, but your Father already knows your needs. 31 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and He will give you everything you need. (nlt)

1Corinthians 11: 11 But among the Lord’s people, women are not independent of men, and men are not independent of women. 12 For although the first woman came from man, every other man was born from a woman, and everything comes from God (nlt)

christian snowboarding.

this was one of his "practice runs" before he went up the mountain...this was taken about 30 minutes after his first time to snowboard.

where does he get the "sporty fearless gene"?!?!?! :/ i guess from christie coz it sure ain't from me.

uhhmmm.... yeah. my heart stopped numerous times throughout that day coz of seeing him speed down the pretty sure of it!

uhhh he sped down the mountain and left me behind twice coz he said i was "slow". LOL. my butt hurt!