Thursday, December 17, 2009

christmas wishlish 09.

last year i made a semi-wish list for christmas. and it was fun listing things and getting to cross them out when i received them that i'm going to do it again this year.

here is my wish list for christmas 2009.
  1. book: crazy love by francis chan
  2. book: fight like a girl by lisa bevere
  3. bodum thermal travel coffee press
  4. dvd: friends season 1-10 set
  5. gift cards: ikea or target
  6. camera
  7. flip
  8. board game: taboo
  9. massage @ the spa
  10. a "coffee conversation" with YOU =]
what's on YOUR christmas wishlist?

dear unwanted husband part 2.

continuation of dear unwanted husband.......

the REAL reason why i don't think i can get married is that i dont think i can ever trust anyone outside of my sisters & my closest friends to be alone with my son (nor any of my future adopted children). no matter who you's just not you i don't's everyone. and if there is a time that he needs to be alone with someone... i get really antsy & i worry about the "possibilities". the trauma that happened to me when i was young has scarred me so much that this has become a REAL FEAR. i've been battling this for years and it hurts me that i think this way.

i don't want to be like this though, living in semi-paranoia most of the time. i don't wanna be like this...because i love people and i genuinely am a friendly person... but i know no other way. i live in mistrust... and it's not a fun way to live. my guards are so way up that it would be hard to break through it.

you see, for a long time, you would come into my dreams and beat and abuse me and my child...and for years i had to battle insomnia because of that. you were a monster in my head. the nightmares have stopped now... and im sooo thankful you haven't haunted my dreams the way you used to... God has softened my heart about entertaining the thought of possibly being married to you in the future... but it still hasn't changed my mind to the point of desiring you.

i've received counseling, healing and prayers about this for years now... and i know that i am in the process of continuing to be healed... but my experience has left me with a repulsed attitude towards the thought of you.

i feel like if i allow you to walk into my life, i will be doing my son & myself a disservice. to choose marriage would be like me choosing the same thing that destroyed my life when i was younger. to choose you means that i am choosing you over my son....and i would have to share my time between you and him. to choose you means that i have to be on guard... always watching what you're doing because it would be that hard for me to trust you. to choose marriage means i probably not wont be sleeping much coz i don't know where you'll be or what you'll be doing when i'm asleep. to choose you means i have to trust you. and i don't know if i ever will... and that won't be fair to you.

i know God has nothing but good for me.... and if He wants me to be married to you then it means you must be good for me... but the only way i would ever re-consider my current opinion about you is if He clearly tells me to do so... and God knows how extremely stubborn i can be. i am happy living single for God. i have found love with my Savior and that has fulfilled me in ways i never imagined. i have also found love in being a mother... and i desire to be a mother more than being a wife. i want to adopt more children in the future and shower them with love. i want so many things in life, but i don't want you.

i don't know if we'll ever have the chance to meet or not...but i want to say sorry to you in advance coz you probably dont deserve someone that thinks you're an abusive pedophile straight off the bat. i know you didn't do anything to deserve this. but learning to trust someone fully like that is a hard thing for me to try and comprehend. i've judged you in my mind before i met you.... and that's something that i have to deal with God on a continual basis.

maybe one day i will change my mind about this. with God's help & healing power, i will learn to trust in God to be able to trust my life & my son's life in someone else's hands. but i know that time is not here yet... and i don't know if it will ever be.

pray for me please... pray that God will heal me from this fear. i don't want to live in fear.

thank you for taking your time to read this. i do want to meet you one day, hopefully soon.. even if you never become my husband.... i bet you'll be a great friend.


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

dear unwanted future husband.

i'm not writing this because i like anyone in particular (i know how some of you all think...LOL). the reason why i am writing this is because i think this is the easiest way for me to try to explain why it is that i do not want to get married. this isn't an easy thing for me to write.... but i thought that addressing a letter to "my unwanted husband" will be the easiest way for me to try and explain my heart regarding this subject. so read along if you like... but please try not to judge the people that are part of the story of my letter. i am being vulnerable here because i feel the need to get this off my chest... it's not because of anyone or anything else... it's only because i want to share my story this way... so read along if you want...

Dear unwanted future husband (if you are out there),

i dont know why i feel the need to write this. somehow these thoughts have been burning in my mind these past few months and i feel like things need to be said.

i wrote a blog about NOT wanting you a few months ago & another one yesterday...and it sparked a few people's interest. a lot of people dont understand why i would take it to such an extreme to not want you in my life and i write this today to explain to you why.

you see, when i was younger, both of my fathers were very abusive to me... one of them physically abused me and one sexually. im not just talking about a one time abuse either. it involved guns on our heads, faces hit, heads slapped and kicked. i had to endure repetitive molestation and abuse for yeeaaarrrs. every time i would tell my mother about things that were happening to me, she chose to turn a blind eye on the situation and stayed with the marriage, pretending like things were okay. basically, she traded my childhood & my innocence to have a "marriage". she wanted that "complete family look" and was very fearful to raise her daughters on her own and be a single mom.

i know she didn't know any better and i've forgiven both my fathers & my mom completely for what has happened... please don't judge them.... and i dont write this to point the finger and blame them. i write this because it happened to me... and the abuse has left me with such traumatic memories that marriage has such a bad picture in my head. i've become the opposite of my mother. she wanted/needed a marriage. i, on the other hand, don't see it as something i desire.

this is why i do not want you. i know God has designed marriage to be a beautiful thing.. and i've seen that happen to people i love dearly. i've seen the the healing that marriage has brought to them...and i am so happy for them... but i don't think it's what i want for me. i am fine leading & nurturing my family on my own. yes, it would be great to have you here to help me with life, with bills & raising my son but i don't desire that. i know it means probably not having anyone stand by me, helping, supporting & taking care of me and my son. i know it also means that i'm making a choice to probably not have sex for the rest of my life *gasp*... but i will take that risk. because the alternative is too much for me to even begin to consider.

the REAL reason why i don't think i can get married is.........

to be
continued in dear unwanted husband part 2

i dont want to part 2.

yesterday, i wrote a blog trying to explain my thoughts about my choice &/or non-desire to NOT want to get married.

i got some comments on my facebook status after that... & somehow my point was completely misconstrued.

like i said, that blog post was not written because i am a bitter, single mom who hates on men. that isn't the point at all. i was talking about making a CHOICE. so many people choose to get married & want a husband. i feel like at this time of my life, i am choosing to not want to get married.

i know plenty of single moms who have chosen to devote their lives to raise their children without getting married (again). im sure the decision they made was not an easy decision. i have friends who have chosen to live like this... (again chosen is the key word). my friend's mom & my brother in law's mom both decided to not get married again. its a TOUGH choice to make. it means growing old alone... and i think i am fine with that. i dont understand why that comes as a shock to some people. yes, i know it means that i may never get to experience the good things that marriage brings.... like the support & help & love that a man offers. yes, i know that it means i may never have sex again either *gulp*.

i know these things... and yet i am still making this choice.

because this means that i get to devote all my attention to my son and to all the things that God has called me to do at this season without having marriage as a nagging desire at the back of my mind. it means that i still get to live out the lifestyle i've grown accustomed to for the past decade as being the "lone leader & nurturer" in my family. it is a HARDER route to choose.

now, if a person comes along & changes my mind completely, i will surely reconsider my options... though my mind is gonna be a tough one to crack. =P like i said, it would have to take GOd to completely change my thoughts about this. but if this is what He wants... i will obey Him.

=] friends who try to "change" my mind about this subject ... i just want you to know that your efforts are futile. if you try to tell me that there's "someone out there for me", it only proves my theory that people don't think it's not normal for women, especially a woman my age.... to not want to get married.

this is something that i've been thinking about for years now.... it's not something that i just suddenly came up with..... there is a deeper reason... a reason that justifies how i feel.


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

i dont want to.

in light of recent chat conversations with my friends & tweeting about not having a date for company parties.. i felt the need to write this... if only to give solace to me as i allow myself to unleash these thoughts screaming in my head.

most everyone that knows me, know that i have a fear of marriage. (or i did have...i dont wanna continue to speak it over me)...but to be honest...i know its still there.

you see, the thought of marriage still terrifies me.. unlike many women out there... i dont get pretty pictures in my head about it & i dont pray to get married nor do i pray for my "future husband".

it's just not something i desire.

no, it's not pride. no, it's not me trying to be an uber-single-mom-feminist. no, im not bitter. no, it's not me trying too hard to be independent. though those were my reasons before, i know that during this season... it's not that anymore.

i've been praying about this specific topic for yeeeaarrrsss now... i've received counseling & healing about this as well.... and although i've gotten better at the thought of it (before i would get anxious & sick just thinking about it)... it's still not something i dream about.

you see, i am a visionary. i dream big dreams.

i know i will write books one day. i know i will reach out and teach & preach God's Word. i know i will be able to travel and adopt more kids and mother them. it's a clear picture & a vision that God has given me...and i can taste it & feel it even if it's not there yet.... i fight for these dreams that God has given me each day.... wanting to see Him fulfill these things...

what i dont see myself doing though....
is doing all of that with someone by my side.

i CANNOT picture it. i cannot envision it.

i mean, if God wants me married... i will obey Him... because i love God. i will learn to open my life up to someone... more so, learn to trust someone else to raise my child with me... IF that is His will. my heart is to obey God in everything... so if marriage is a part of His plan for my life... i will obey.... BUT like i said... it would have to be God, not me, coz all the work that it entails stresses me out already.

knowing and seeing couples like them, them & them & reading about couples like them & them has helped me see marriage in a better light.

but it still hasn't changed my mind completely. i feel like there's so much at stake... my heart, my child, our future... that i think im better off the way i am living life as a single mom with Christ as my husband...than i am being married.

maybe, im just used to living this life the way i do.

maybe, i am one of those people that Paul talks about... you know... the ones gifted with celibacy...*gasp* ... LOL.. i SERIOUSLY doubt that though... ;)

could it be, that the "slight torture" i had growing up with mixed families & abuse & all the drama just put a really bad taste in my mouth that it has turned me off from desiring to get married?

i think that's the case.

you see, i was raised in a home that allowed "bad things" to happen to me just so my parents marriage would not "fail". it's like for the marriage to work... my childhood and my sanity was sacrificed. and although i've forgiven my parents for the wrong they've done... it's left a really ugly picture in my head regarding marriage... especially mixed families. i'd rather not put my son in any danger. call me paranoid... i can't help myself. i wish i could. if you want a clearer picture of what happened to me... watch madea's family reunion (the movie) - the single mom's story there is almost like my story.

but unlike that woman... i've gone through counseling,
and prayers & i've received healing.
and i am more open with the thought of marriage like never before.

BUT it's still not something i desire.

is it bad that i feel that way?

why does family, church & society make it seem like it is?

like if you dont want to get married, you're kinda "weird" coz it's not normal.

why can't i seem to shake off this fear?

i wish i had answers for these questions.

i wish that it was okay to say that i don't want to get married
and not receive the strange "looks" people give off...

most of all: i wish that i wouldn't fear this anymore.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

birthday wish fulfilled - hope on skid row pt 2.

it's nearly impossible to describe how i felt this weekend. my birthday wish was fulfilled in ways above & beyond what i had "originally" planned out in my head. we have done this a couple of times before...but this year we tripled the amount of food & supplies, the volunteers & the recipients of all the blessings. and to think i had only wished to "double it" ;) we were able to raise about $1050.00 to buy ALL the supplies & feed everyone who volunteered too. we were able to make 250+ food (ham sandwiches, granola bars, juice, apple, famous amos, chips, chocolate) and 120 care packets. Plus Roy & Veronica's smallgroup made 100 food & care packets from their own smallgroup as well. =]

soooo many people gave, prayed, volunteered. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!! to all of you who did, i say THANK YOU.

words cannot express the joy i felt to see my wish come to pass. they say pictures are worth a thousand words, so here are about 20,000 words in picture form to show you the outpour of the love & generosity that you guys gave & showed to make my birthday wish come true.

i am overwhelmed. THANK YOU for being an extension of God's love here on earth, by showing the less fortunate that there are people who care for them & that they have something to be hopeful for.

Happy Birthday to ME =] thank you Jesus for another year!

@ Costco buying all these food! thanks alfred for helping me!

Christian, Kubie, Rolo, Me, Bobbie, Rosie, Raquel packing food @ 2:00 AM

my sister Kubie wrapping the care packets @ 2:00 AM

my brother & sister laying hands & praying for someone

THIS is CHURCH in ACTION.... just the way Jesus did! =]

thank you once again. let's do this again real soon!

For God is the one who provides seed for the farmer and then bread to eat. In the same way, he will provide and increase your resources and then produce a great harvest of generosity in you. Yes, you will be enriched in every way so that you can always be generous. And when we take your gifts to those who need them, they will thank God. So two good things will result from this ministry of giving—the needs of the believers will be met, and they will joyfully express their thanks to God. As a result of your ministry, they will give glory to God. For your generosity to them and to all believers will prove that you are obedient to the Good News of Christ. 2cor9:10-13

This is the kind of fasting I want: Free those who are wrongly imprisoned; lighten the burden of those who work for you. Let the oppressed go free, and remove the chains that bind people. Share your food with the hungry, and give shelter to the homeless. Give clothes to those who need them, and do not hide from relatives who need your help. Then your salvation will come like the dawn, and your wounds will quickly heal. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind. Isa 58:6-8

Monday, December 7, 2009


My sis wanted 2put this patch &see how he'd react. He didnt even notice it was there #PoorBlindBambam its cute tho :) - 

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

older but wiser.

it is my birthday month =] i guess growing older is supposed to make me wiser ... but i can't say that im wise at all. in fact, its just the opposite. i am learning new things about me, about others, about life everyday that its showing me how much i really dont know.

so i thought, perhaps it would be better if i posted this forwarded message that i got from my email.... a few golden nuggets from someone who has lived out her life to the fullest. Here is what she says:

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more" - Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God.. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything.. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
45. Thank God every day for your blessings.

she is a wise, wise woman indeed.

Monday, November 23, 2009

pleasant surprise.

he's been praying for you for a few years now. he specifically has asked for a shih-tzu since he was about 4 and a half. everytime he would make mention of you, i said NO. this year you were #1 on his christmas wishlist. he said if he had a boy dog he'd name it bambam & if he had a girl dog he'd name it pebbles (too much flinstones multi-vitamins i say).

i just laughed and said..."good luck with that...i dont have time or the money to get you that... choose something else...."

i guess God does favor him a bit more than God favors me (the bible says He hears the cry of the fatherless) because i did not even have to buy or adopt came to us on 11.12.09. you walked into our lives suddenly. no one owned you, no one claimed you. you were stinky, your hair was all matted & your right eye looks scary because you have a cataract.... but the first time he saw you, he KNEW he wanted to keep you....we thought you were an old mutt...about to die soon (coz of your eye). we felt bad for you and said we'd take care of you till you died....

that was until i took you to the groomer & the vet.

instead i found out you were probably abused by your previous owner
& something hit your eye that caused you to be blind.

and we found out that you are a young pure-bred shih tzu.

how awesome is that? the exact same thing my son has been praying for, for years now, and you were suddenly given to him....out of nowhere. AND you dont poo or pee in the house (which is GREAT for me...AND i have to exercise everyday to walk you *sigh*).

i really believe you, Mr. BamBam, are God's early Christmas gift to him.... and as long as you stay with us, you will be a constant reminder to my son & i to perservere in prayer & believe God for specific good things, because nothing is impossible for his Daddy. thank you for being paris' boyfriend and coming into our lives. you give us one more reason to celebrate thanksgiving, by giving thanks to the One who is always faithful to answer prayers, the One who gives the secret desires of our heart, the Master in orchestrating the smallest details of our lives.


On December 3rd, I turn 30. Yep, it’s an exciting time for me. And to welcome this new decade of my life, I want to do something different than what I would normally do for my birthdays. I would like to do something that signifies my passion & my dreams--inspire the hopeless and help those who are less fortunate. And since I’m a big party girl, I’m combining my love for partying and love for giving, to feed the homeless in downtown LA.

Last year, through all of your donations for our thanksgiving fundraiser, we were able to raise enough money to feed 150 people and provide them with a thanksgiving meal (turkey sandwich, fruits, drinks & cookies). We were also able to distribute 100 backpacks with wipes, toothbrushes & hand sanitizers and hand out blankets and clothes to keep the homeless warm in the winter.

And because that was such a life changing moment for me and for the others that were there, I want to be able to do it again BUT this time have you experience it with me. On Saturday, December 5th, between 10-2, I’d like to invite you to party it out with me in the streets of downtown Los Angeles to assist the homeless, the crack heads, the prostitutes and the less fortunate and have a chance to feed, clothe & party with them. Sort of what like Jesus did when He turned 30.

So to celebrate my momentous 30th year and in the spirit of the holiday season, I would like to ask you to give for this cause, whatever is in your heart to give (whether $5, $10, $15, $20 or more). I believe that I will be able to raise double the amount of money that we raised last year and feed twice as many people!

Also, if you have any blankets, sweaters/jackets, accessories that you would like to give away to help keep the homeless warm during the winter season, we need that as well! If you’d like to donate, please call me to arrange the best time for you to drop those off. Lastly, if you could contribute your time to help prepare & distribute the food on Saturday, I would really appreciate that too. Please comment/email/twitter/FB msg/text/call/write me if you would like to “RSVP” for my street party.

By doing so, you will be granting me a wonderful birthday wish, as well as helping the less fortunate at the same time. Please help make my birthday wish come true. THANK YOU!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

water bottle

today on twitter... i posted this:

"so my bday is coming up in 2weeks & i SOOOO want one of these any1 wanna buy me one?? =]"

well a few minutes after i tweeted this... a friend of mine told me that he was gonna get one for me and one for my friend @nikkinews!

call me pathetic. call me weird. i dont really care. im so giddy. i get to have a team jacob h20 bottle.

and i got it for free!!! thank you my twitter angel for the advanced birthday gift!

*update 11.19 - here it is =)

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


feeling hot? call THEM!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


i LOVE you.

Monday, November 2, 2009


whatta spread.

max's: fried chicken,nilaga, pinakbet,bangus, crispypata,lumpia, palabok,halo-halo!

filipino food = yummy fried cholesterol fattyness


well not hips will be paying the price. LOL

Monday, October 26, 2009


to watch this concert has been a part of my to-do list (wish list) for years...

and last night it was fulfilled...(thanks to my brother in law who hooked me up w/ the tix)

concert was phenomenal.

it was worth EVERY penny.

bono = uh-ma-zing song writer!

black eyed peas opening act was great.

slash surprised everyone by performing sweet child of mine.

this was probably the best semi-praise & worship concert i've ever attended.

bono got 97,000 people + youtube viewers to sing "Amazing Grace" with him.

i believe that was a powerful moment....

i dont care what people think of bono & his religious or political views.

he's probably doing more of God's mandate than the next pastor who talks & preaches about God's love but has never helped the poor, the needy, or the hurting.
paul said: It’s true that some are preaching out of jealousy and rivalry. But others preach about Christ with pure motives. They preach because they love me, for they know I have been appointed to defend the Good News. Those others do not have pure motives as they preach about Christ. They preach with selfish ambition, not sincerely, intending to make my chains more painful to me. But that doesn’t matter. Whether their motives are false or genuine, the message about Christ is being preached either way, so I rejoice. And I will continue to rejoice. [philippians 1:15-18]

as long as Christ is preached.... it's all good baby!

be jealous that you weren't there. coz you missed out. SERIOUSLY!
alien-like stage...

traffic SUCKED...but still... it was worth it

eating dirty dogs while waiting for traffic to subside. YUM!

"Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass"

Friday, October 23, 2009


you see all these faces? i see them. in fact i see most of their little pictures every day. some of them i know personally (meaning they are my friends in "real" life)... but most of them i dont. i have no clue who they are, what they really look like, where they are from, where they grew up... BUT the weird thing is... i can tell u a lil bit about each of them & their personality even if i don't know them at all.

you see...i spend a few minutes everyday reading their thoughts, raves, rants, desires, humor, dreams, frustrations, what-to-do's, beliefs, likes, dislikes, etc. etc. they are the people i follow on twitter. the strange thing about this twitter phase i'm in is that i'm normally paranoid and i do not trust strangers.... (ask my closest friends & they will tell you) so the fact that i like twitter is actually WEIRD. but i do. in fact, i can say that i've "found" some really nice, very real, super funny & cool people on twitter (though not all), who i've never met in real life...and some of them i've now welcomed into my facebook world... (because facebook is a lil' bit more "personal" than twitter). they are now who i refer to as "tweetarts" =P

you gotta love the digital world. belonging to an online community has its weirdness but it also has its perks. my "tweetarts"...they actually pray when i ask for prayers, they answer when you have questions, they share their life stories in their blogs, they offer their time to chat when you tweet frustration.... they share your passions (whether its Jesus, food, music, sarcasm, lakers, etc).

though they are strangers... we share common interests that brought us together. some of them i now consider "my online friends". some of these people ask me how i am more than my "real-life" friends do. plus i've found some of the most "real" christians on twitter who are not afraid of sharing their "dirt & ugliness"... and not mask it with an "im fine-hallelujah" front. so authentic. so inspiring. so if you're looking for people to "tweet at"... check out those pretty faces on top... they're a pretty good online community to belong to...

i know i've said this before.... but there are days when i think that blogging, facebook & twitter is from the devil coz it's a major time waster/stealer.... LOL! but this day is not one of them. instead i think of the online community as a wonderful tool to bring strangers & people together from different backgrounds & it gives people a chance to just "be".

i realize that all of us (whatever background, belief, race, sex, age) want to belong. because just like me & everybody else, all of us want to belong & to be heard... some more than others (YES talking about you). we have an innate desire to have relationships & build with other people... there's something in all of us that wants to connect & communicate with others. it's how human beings are wired...because no man is an island. we were made to have relationships. having people around us (whether in real life or online) is vital for our sanity.

what's even more vital is to answer the deep longing in our heart about to WHO belong to. we were made to have a relationship with the One who knows us best. the One who created us. the One in whose arms we always belong to. see no amount of friends, family & online community will take the place of following & belonging to Jesus. coz in Him you're never rejected... you're never alone. in Him we are always "accepted in the Beloved."

so my #followfriday this friday is to check out all my "tweetarts" & i highly suggest you follow Jesus coz He's the best #followfriday recommendation i will ever have.

plus if you follow Him... He will always follow you back =)

tweet tweet. have a great weekend.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

beautiful sky.

it's rainy & chilly here in los angeles. i hear people all around me complain about the weather being gloomy. i actually like it...coz gloomy weather makes me happy & i wish it would last longer....coz rain in LA means snow in the mountains & snow in the mountains = snowboarding!

what is your favorite kind of weather?

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


free food. bbq ribs.

just the other day i tweeted about wanting to eat ribs & a few days after i got it..FOR FREE! YEY!

Sunday, October 11, 2009


you see those cards in front of me (those red, mustard, light blue & green lands).??... well i owned those....but now i am in bankrupt & i had to sell them again. i lost because i landed in st. charles TWICE and i hate to pay hotel fees & i had no savings coz i went on a land shopping spree.... to make it son is winning...

aaaahhhhh....IM A LOSER ...i think i need to join a dave ramsey class.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


yes. an arm pillow & a snuggie. a single lady's "MUST HAVES" during cold winter nights.... LMBO!!#christmaswishlist =]

Monday, October 5, 2009

born again - again.

a night of praise & worship turned into a night of deep healing for many people. i felt a nudge in my heart getting me ready to "pray in front" that night. i get very nervous every time i have to speak on stage, but i knew that this prayer would be different from other prayers. i was scared but i stood up and obeyed that nudge.

we were praying for the neglected. the abandoned. for the abused. for the fatherless.

all of which i was. and more.

i stood up on the side of the stage, watching as the intimate room gathered together, seeing people pouring out love and praying for each other. seeing tears stream from people's eyes broke my heart and i caught myself crying with them. most everyone in that room sympathized with them. i empathized. i KNEW how it felt.

i heard a whisper in my heart say to me... "you've been there once know how that pain feels... you know the torment, the nightmares, the shame, the feeling of death in your soul... it's time for you to share what happened to you so they know that healing and freedom is possible in Me."

i was just supposed to pray. i was NOT ready for that. but He knew otherwise. it required for me to be vulnerable. i was intimidated with the pastors that were on stage and everyone else that were watching & listening. thoughts began to rush in my head. who was i? i have no formal college degree. a rebellious high school drop out. i had NOTHING to my name. all i had was my story to tell and God's love to share.

but i knew i had to obey. nervous...i took the mic and shared my brief testimony about the abuse that happened in my life and told to everyone about having hope in God, His power to heal even the most painful parts in your memory... the power of forgiveness & His power to make ALL THINGS NEW.

i didn't really remember a lot of what i said. i just opened my mouth and words began to flow out. the one thing that i remembered though was the look in those peoples' eyes. i will never forget the look of pain in their eyes that somehow turned hopeful because they heard that healing & redemption & forgiveness was possible from someone who has been through it.

after i shared and prayed... i got off the stage with a deeper level of respect and awe to the God that i serve.
  • *if you would've asked me 15 years ago while i was cutting myself if there was a purpose for my life, i would've said no.
  • *if you would've asked me 10 years ago if my heart was capable of feeling, i would've said no because i've taught myself to feel numb.
  • *if you ask me the day i was left by myself, 1 month pregnant, left to raise a child by myself, that one day i would be the strong single mom that i am today, i would've said no.
there are many things that i thought WOULD NEVER happen but because of God's grace and mercy and love, He took what had been painful trials & tests and turned it into a testimony.... i knew that was true before....but for the first time in my life it had become a reality...because for the first time ever, my story was used as a means for others to receive healing and give Him glory .the pain i felt was not wasted....but it had a purpose... and the hope that i saw in people's eyes made all the pain i've experience WORTH it... he has indeed turned my mourning into joyful dancing.

days after and my heart still swells with overwhelming joy accompanied with holy fear. i now have a different outlook regarding life's pains and trials. i now have a deeper reverence for God. i am extremely humbled that He chose to use me to share His love for others that night. i am soooooo grateful.

for years i asked & prayed for Him to make the dreams that He put in my heart come to pass. i had a taste of that for the first time last sunday and it has broken me like never before. in the words of a *good friend of mine... i felt like i was "born again - again". it's like i've given birth to something that i've cradled in my womb for quite a while & i've seen my baby for the first time...and i am soooo in love with the Lover of my soul...the One who conceived these dreams in me.... and i feel so unworthy to carry this baby... but i know that it was given to me. and i must take care of it because He has entrusted me with such a holy calling.

i also feel like i have a renewed sense of purpose & passion in my life that i haven't felt for a really long time. a crying out in my soul to reach out to those that are hurting, because there are soooo many people out there who need to hear about His love.

i feel like He's defined & detailed the picture that He has painted as the story of my life. and what once a dirty canvas, with blotted ink that made no sense, is now a picture of hope, healing & restoration of a redeemed soul created by the Master Painter Himself.

and i am in awe of this Loving Creator who has given me a crown of beauty instead ashes and has put a trumpet in my soul to declare the sound of freedom and victory in Him.

He is TRULY worthy of all praise.

my dear friend, don't underestimate the power of your story. don't underestimate the God that can bring you through the storm and turn things around for His glory. weeping may last for a night but He promies you that joy will come in the morning. we ALL have a story to tell. and your story will be used to give hope and joy to others who need it and bring Him glory. don't be afraid to share it. =)

friend is *amanda mikko

Thursday, October 1, 2009

tales from twitter.

so what if i tweet a LOT???

i realized that i actually like condensing my thoughts into 140 characters coz its easier than writing my heart out constantly. but i also realized because of that, i've been neglecting my blog and writing my book.

there are days that i'm fully convinced that facebook & twitter are from the devil. i swear.... coz its a major time waster/stealer.

but i know what the devil has meant for harm, God will turn around for good.... so i decided that i will just post random tweets / twitpics / thoughts from my twitter adventures called "tales from twitter".... so that my blog will still feel like it is loved.


Wednesday, September 30, 2009


when i see this picture... instead of seeing your beauty, i see your flaws.

i see fine lines and crows feet beginning to form.
i see that your eyes have began to "droop" & are not as "almond-y" as they once were.
i see pores that shouldn't be so large.
i see your moles. you have a lot of facial moles. unwanted moles.
i see scars on your face.
i see worry written all over your forehead
i see the weight you've gained.
i see the double chin that never used to be there.

i see imperfection.

i look even deeper, into those eyes that try to smile but often give away the tired soul within.
i know how much you worry.
i know how tired you often feel.
i know the burdens you put on yourself & how you often rely on your own strength to carry them.
i know you still have a temper (though yo
u've grown so much in that area).
i know you've been given a gift of to encourage but its so easy for you to hurt others with your words.
i know you are often impatient with yourself & others, especially to those who love you the most.
i know you try to see the best in people, but there are days that you choose to see them at their worst...and you linger there.
i know the frustration you keep inside.

i know how much you feel so alone at times.
i know you're very insecure about writing and speaking.
i know that you shout at your son sometimes out of irritation.
i know that you feel unaccomplished at times.
i know how much you cry.
i know that you try to read the word & pray everyday, but some days you get lazy to dig deeper with God.
i know your struggles. your lies. your lusts. your insecurities. your fears. your anxiousness.

i know YOU.

i am YOUR own worst critic.

but there is someone who knows you more than i. (ps. 139)

He pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail—even numbering the hairs on your head! (matthew 10:30 msg)

His name is Jesus. and He came to make all things new. everyday HE makes you new.

He made sure to die for you so that your identity would not be set on your flaws.

ut instead your identity is on this CROSS.

you are NOTHING.

but in Him... you LIVE life to the fullest and you have EVERYTHING.

even with your flaws. even in your weakest moments.

Rejoice. because He loves you so.

Rejoice. because when God sees you... He doesn't see the flaws that i see.

instead He sees
a worshiper. a world-changer. a leader. a prayer warrior. a prophetic voice for the next generation.

Because He will never DEFINE you because of your imperfections.

He sees His Son in you. and therefore chooses to use you.

so heed His call & obey.

Choose daily to die to yourself and live in Him.

because in Him you live and move breathe (acts 17:28)

because in are perfected in and through each season He brings you through.

But whoso keepeth his word, in him verily is the love of God perfected: hereby know we that we are in him (1John 2:5 kJV).

in Him is abundant life.

and His power is made perfect in your weakness.

“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. (2Cor. 12:9 NLT)