Thursday, December 18, 2008

time out.

i have been very anxious and worrysome these past few weeks. due to intense family drama, i've found that when i look into the mirror, there seems to be a semi-permanent crease right between my eyes coz of all the worrying & thinking that i do. i've been extremely stressed, easily aggitated & annoyed...but most of all, i've taught myself to try to be tough and "suck up" the emotions that come with the current situation, which is often a response to try to numb myself of those emotions. but in reality it just buries itself deeper until my heart can't take it anymore.

as of the moment, in addition to raising a son solo, i have been taking care of my sister as well, with her spending more time with me that she does with our parents. having a full time job while homeschooling 2 kids can become extremely tiring. doing something spontaneous has not been something that i've done recently since every move of mine is calculated coz i have to watch my budget for feeding and spending. everything i've done these past months has been "kid-related" or "kid-friendly" and i've hardly had any "me" time.

last night, after one annoying phone call, i had hit the brink of extreme annoyance towards a family member who was acting irresponsibly. i just sat there numbed, mad (actually pissed off), and irritated....destroying my joyful mood to attempt to convert my roommates into "cullenism".

then, one of them had spontaneously decided that we should go watch the last show of twilight. considering that this was my 3rd time to watch the movie, but first time to actually have the chance watch it in the theaters (don't ask about the first 2 times).... i was torn between going and staying. i was in my pajamas, ready to just chill. but the kids were in bed & someone would be at home to stay behind with them & so i decided to go, even if it meant it would hurt the very little that i have in my budget to watch this movie. i was excited to just go on a "spontaneous ladies night out".

i'm so glad i did it! i hadn't done ANYTHING like that since i left for an out of town road trip with Rosie last spring without Christian, to get my stuff in St. Louis. i had sooo much fun spending time with friends without being in "mommy mode"! we were laughing, gushing, screaming, being super silly and being girls. i loved every minute of it. and i went back home relieved, de-stressed and had a new found respect for the word "time out". kids hate that term, but i love was a much needed time out for me.

i'm so thankful that my friend had that idea and i still had enough "crazy" in me to agree to go. the 2 hours spent just being me, spending for a movie ticket for me and not feeling guilty about it, not thinking about anybody else but me, to give into the indulgence of laughing & hanging out with girlfriends and to gush over a kilig love story has freed me to a certain degree from the longing that i had.

they say that "a friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words". i'm so thankful that my roommates were there at that moment to remind me of the song in my heart to have fun and just be. right when i was in the brink of extreme annoyance, God provided for a way out for me to breathe. i've now found a part of myself that i lost these past few months....the part of me that just enjoys being a "girl".

thank God for time outs, girl friends and shiny shimmery vampires. who would've thought that the combination of those three could bring healing to a tired soul :)