Monday, September 29, 2008

the N word.

these past few years i have come to a reality that the word "never" is a pretty harsh word. there are a lot of things that my friends and i said we would "never" do...and through out the years, our "will never do's" come back and haunt us and we find ourselves in the middle of having a thousand and one feet stuck in our mouth, because we end up doing things we thought we never would. it's like there's an epidemic of "foot in mouth disease" that's spreading pretty fast. one too many times i've found myself in this circumstance but i seem to not learn from it. from saying how i never wanted to go into ministry coz i never saw myself doing anything for God, how i would never want to be in the place i am today, without a lot of money - living paycheck to paycheck, how i never thought i could like certain people, never thought certain people would be my friends, never thought i'd be a single mom, never do this and that.....the list just goes on and on.

these past few days, i've found myself battling thoughts in my head that i SWORE i would NEVER have. i was so secure about myself, my heart. i thought i knew myself too well, i was too proud to admit that it was a possibility. now my "never" comes back and bites me in the a** (okay butt).

in one sentence, in one conversation things changed. i did not see it happening. nor did i want it to happen. it just did. and i was dumbfounded. i still am. i find myself at a lost for words. even staring at my blank journal page because i have no words in me to express how i feel.

i found myself coming humbly before His throne, asking for forgiveness, embracing this circumstance He's allowed to happen in my life at this moment in order to see me for who i really am. proud, often too sure of myself and how i loooove to jump to conclusions in my head without filtering it with His Truth.

this hurts. even typing it out, i find myself having a hard time expressing this...almost to the brink of tears. to admit and be honest with myself and the world that i am once again wrong. i swallow my pride now, with heaven watching and you reading. i have learned as of today, to never say never. i think what hurts the most is that i was sooo sure. so sure that it could not happen. so self absorbed to even think of the slightest possibility that this certain circumstance would ever happen.

most of the time it's our "nevers" that challenge the universe. the angels end up saying "oh really now?" and in the end, the last laugh is always with God.

i shared to a dear friend of mine a couple of months ago a thought that God had put in my heart, about God having the last laugh, even in circumstances that seem bleak. we had talked about Sara and how she chuckled sarcastically at the thought of the possibility of having her promise child Isaac, because things seemed impossible. at that time, my friend had been frustrated with her situation and thought it would "never change". (there goes that N word again). just like Sara, she sarcastically laughed under her breath. just like Sara, i laughed sarcastically under my breath, and again like always, God has the last laugh. one year after Sarah said never...she gave birth to her promise. and when my friend said it would never change - after 2 months, she is now giving birth to her promise as well, as a missionary doing church plants.

another friend of mine once said she would never fall for a certain type of guy, my sister said she'd never marry a "non-asian" guy, again a dear friend once said she'd never join online dating services or even want to get married to someone she did not "know", my mom said she'd never divorce, my other sister said she'd never back slide. so many stories of "nevers" that did happen.

never is a strong word. and i humbly ask God to take that word out of my vocabulary. that He teach me to remain humble in all my ways and not to ever be so sure of myself because anything can happen. my plans are not His plans, my thoughts not His. and whatever the result of this current "i thought it would never happen but it's happening" circumstance, i pray that God would lead me closer to His heart and not let me forget that the only thing that can NEVER change is His love for me.

everything else, i must hold with an open hand, because really, anything is a possibility and He does know better. and with Him, the "impossibles" in our mind only challenges Him to change, sometimes our situations, but mostly our mindsets, because He has always said that He is a God of the impossible. and His Word always proves to be true.

as i bow my head in worship, i find myself thankful, saying grace before i swallow a plate full of pride. and as i cut each piece of pride, i pray that He will give me the strength to do so. i am thankful that i serve a God who knows all of me and i know that in this, i will learn once again, not to be so sure of myself, because in the end, i really don't know much at all.

*thank you R for inspiring me to write this.