Tuesday, September 23, 2008

the heart of a single mom - part 3.

being a single parent has its joys. but more often than not, carrying the load of being the lone leader of your family can weary a soul. whether a single parent of one or more children (kudos to those who have more)... all will say the same - it gets very tiring and there will come a time that you will feel like you're "losing it". all of the responsibilities of running a family falls on your shoulder and sometimes the weight can get to you and can be too much to bear.

a sneak a peek into my normal daily routine (read if you will):

spending my time with God, makin
g breakfast, going to work, preparing his lessons, teaching him, interviewing people at work, making his lunch, working again, doing errands for my boss, taking him to soccer practice and games 4x a week, picking him up from his co-op classes, leading a bible study, attending a prayer meeting, having coffee with people, giving encouragement to those that need it, praying for people, attend a public speaking class once a week, do chores, clean, plan events and different parties, do laundry, spend time with my son, giving him hugs and kisses during random times of the day, telling him to drink his meds, take a bath, put the toilet seat up, change his clothes, wash his feet, brush his teeth, read his bible, go to sleep. if i'm lucky and i have my sister in the house with me, then i do all that i do for christian times two, except that in the middle of that, i remind them to be nice to each other and not to fight. i also have to play the role of being the bigger sister, making sure that my sisters are doing all right because my parents are in the middle of a nasty divorce. i know my sisters need a "stable" person who they can run to right now. then after all is said and done - i find time for me. the "me" time will include reading, taking a shower, if my feet are aching maybe massaging it, check my facebook,myspace,friendster,muitiply for a bit as my social interaction, then spend the rest of my night talking to God.

these past few days have been
extremely overwhelmingly busy. with the need to pack and move to a new place along with the other "things" i that i do, i've found myself tired and all sapped out of energy. which is so not me, by the way. anyone who knows me well enough knows that i've got energy like a energizer bunny - i can keep on going and going. maybe it's because of age or maybe more responsibilities on my shoulders, maybe it's the stress of having moved and packed 4x this year alone, or the emotional stress of seeing my family break apart, i don't really know. but i've noticed that i've been getting tired more often than i used to. i feel like i am stretched. i find myself snapping, rolling my eyes, or just being really exhausted because i feel like i'm being pulled in all directions. much like elastigirl in the movie incredibles. except i don't have her super powers.

in the midst of all of that, i find myself drawing more and more closer to Him. to just sit down at His feet to let Him fill me with His love, grace & strength. in Him, i find myself. this past sunday we sang a song at church that said "i
know who i am - i am yours." when you're single, it's nice to know that you belong to "someone". when you're a single parent, it's nice to know that someone else is there to listen and smile with you and hold you in the end of the day when you've accomplished the role of wonderwoman (or in this case - elastigirl).

so much of me gets lost in the "what to do's" and "who to be's" of every day life that i forget about me most of the time. and although the roles that i play is a huge part of me, i know that it doesn't encompass the whole of me. only at His feet, do i find myself whole. i see myself for who i really am...i don't have to try to be strong, i don't have to try to have everything planned, i don't have to move or do things for Him. i can just be. this song we sang just reminded me of how blessed i am that my God knows me, the whole of me. and He gives me the right perspectives everyday to remind myself of who He is and who He's made me to be.

my son was watching the incredibles the other day. as i passed by, i saw this portion of the movie and got caught up in the moment watching this and i saw myself. like helen...i find myself crying at His feet when overwhelming situations come up, not knowing what to do. (although crying is actually good at times) but sometimes, there is also a sense of helplessness in me when i find myself "losing it or losing me". and like edna mode in this clip, God will always come up with clever ways to make me see the bigger picture.

Helen: [sobbing] Now I'm losing him! What'll I do? What'll I do? (in my case losing it)
Edna: What are you talking about?
Helen: Huh?

Edna:[shouts] You are Elastigirl! My God [swatting Helen with a newspaper] Pull-yourself-together! "What will you do?" Is this a question? You will show him you remember that he is Mr. Incredible, and you will remind him who *you* are. Well, you know where he is. Go, confront the problem. Fight! Win!
[normal voice] And call me when you get back, darling. I enjoy our visits.

although much weight falls on my shoulders to be the breadwinner, wound kisser, food preparer, teacher, driver, prayer warrior, homeschooler, amongst other things, i know He has and will continue to give me the grace to keep on going. and in times when i find myself losing it, i will remember who He is - that He is Mr. Incredible God and by looking unto Him, it will remind me of who I am. and i will continue to live this life daily, confronting all trials and problems, carrying the load that i must, because He has give me the grace to do so. and i know that i am called to win.

Psalm 16:11 You make the path of life known to me. Complete joy is in your presence. Pleasures are by your side forever. (God's Word translation)