Thursday, September 4, 2008

busy-ness and letting go.

WARNING: this is a long blog. there are lots of things going on in my head and i needed to release it. this blog has no flow. i just need to write it to express how i feel at the moment. to release the thougths swimming around in my head as i embrace the busyness of this month and i learn to figure out the art of letting go. read if you will. i hope it doesn't bore you.

okay, there are just too many things happening this month...and it's only the beginning of september. boooo.

i am quite a busy mama this month. my time/life is a bit of a whirl right now. i'm planning a few parties here & there - starting to get the ball rolling with the events business, the school year for christian just started so im on over my head with lesson plans and schedules, as well as working a full time 9-6 job. soccer season starts next week, so i will have practices and games to attend as well. i will start a new bible study group that will meet next week aside from other meetings/bible studies i attend in church. AND i'm so excited about a class i will be attending once a week called "Fearless Speaking" to help me to continue to step out & walk out my dreams.

the wonderful calling of being a single parent. you turn into wonderwoman - literally :) i don't know how i do it, if not for God's grace. and now, i am at a place where, i must hold on to His grace even more - because i'm in the midst of a season of abundance and yet a season of letting go.

emotionally, it's been crazy too... i have a dear friend, A, who is flying in next week. i am really excited about that. we thought she'd be here to visit us, the beach, and attend K&L's wedding. BUT last week, my friend and sister in law R, decided that she will be accepting the offer that was given to her to go for a mission trip to mexico (her dream) and she leaves on the 15th. so now, that one week that A is coming in will actually be a reunion for CRAM - my best friends. A leaves on the 14, R leaves on the 15th. 2 goodbyes in one day :( the thought of that makes me queasy in the stomach. im getting emotional just writing about it. it's hard to say goodbye to friends who are like sisters, but goodbyes are sometimes necessary - because you know that the goodbye will end up being for the good of your friend as well as others. the loss will be another's gain.

of course there is still C, who is quite a busy woman herself coz she is newly married and is trying to look for a new job while settling in the new life of being a wife :) but im not too worried about not seeing her coz C is my sister- she can't get away from me at all. there's also M, and she is in a new season of her life as well, studying for her masters as well as finding answers to her own questions in life.

there are other women that God has put in my path that i've grown with and will grow with as friends, but i'm not quite ready to say goodbye to cramp just yet. maybe the one last week we will have together will help me let it go in my heart. it's hard, coz i know it was God who put this friendship together...and now it's God who's asking us to let it go, start anew, taking in whatever we have learned during the season we were together and using that now that we're apart.

and as i think about my closest friends moving on, my heart whispers a prayer to God. a prayer very seldom heard in the heavenly realm, that i myself, am even surprised to hear my heart say. due to certain fears and strong opinions, i did not want to get married or even thought that i needed to get married for a long time. i always thought i would be fine. in my head, i always thought when chino grows up, i will just go on mission trips or adopt other kids or speak at random conferences & travel everywhere. having a husband never really striked my fancy. until now.

my heart whisper was that God would grant me a companion. someone who will be my constant friend. one who will walk with me through life's ups and downs. someone who will help me, be strong for me, make me laugh, and dance with me. even if the fear of marriage is screaming in the inside of me - today it is silenced by a stronger longing - a longing to have a partner, a best friend. not having cramp beside me just awoke this feeling in me. it's because each of them has filled a role in my life that was much needed for me to grow. each of them represents certain characteristics that i needed during that season of my life - to inspire me to be a better person. and if, if God does decide to bring along a certain someone, i pray that he would be a sort of all-in-one cram for me, just like:
  • C, a best friend - someone who knows me inside out. knows my fears, my guilty pleasures, my worries without even verbalizing them. she just knows. of course, after 27 years of friendship, how could she not know? :) oh yeah, she dances with me too and likes music just like me :)

  • R, a servant leader - who's hugs are safe, someone who likes to drive, someone who can tell me the truth without being intimidated by my oh-so-strong personality. someone who serves the church, and teaches and knows the bible so i will actually listen to what she has to say :)
  • A, a gentle lover - who understands the voices in my head LOL! who cries for my pain even before i realize it's there. someone who knows that i like bags and that i would like my picture on my bag ;) someone who sees beyond the exterior and sees my heart and can see the giant in me when there are times that i feel so small.
  • M, a fun prayer warrior - who makes me smile with the most random things. she knows how to have fun and lots of it ;) but she also knows how to constantly speak to God. someone who knows much about sports and teaches my son things that i know not of ;) someone who isn't afraid to flash their smile and make sure that you always feel welcome in any given time of the day.
yeah, those are my friends for you. that's why it's hard to say goodbye to them and if you knew them the way i did, you would know what i'm talking about. but sometimes goodbye is another way of saying hello to a new season.

sooo, till i find new sets of close friends, or till God decides to bring me a companion, i will learn to let go and open my hand, even if it hurts, coz i'm excited that all of us dying to a season will bear much fruit in each of our lives and other people's lives as well.

John 12:24 I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels—a plentiful harvest of new lives.