Tuesday, September 30, 2008


i took at online survery to find out what type of personality i have. apparently i am an ENFP. LOL. ENFP stands for Extraverted iNtuition Feeling Perceiving. I am part of the group of NF's or a visionary.

they also say that an ENFP is like:

the Advocate according to http://www.mypersonality.info
ENFPs are introspective, values-oriented, inspiring, social and extremely expressive. They actively send their thoughts and ideas out into the world as a way to bring attention to what they feel to be important, which often has to do with ethics and current events. ENFPs are natural advocates, attracting people to themselves and their cause with excellent people skills, warmth, energy and positivity. ENFPs are described as creative, resourceful, assertive, spontaneous, life-loving, charismatic, passionate and experimental.

the Inspirer according to http://www.personalitypage.com/
ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything. They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it.

To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. They're constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP's life, and because they are focused on keeping "centered", the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values.

Because ENFPs live in the world of exciting possibilities, the details of everyday life are seen as trivial drudgery. They place no importance on detailed, maintenance-type tasks, and will frequently remain oblivous to these types of concerns. When they do have to perform these tasks, they do not enjoy themselves. This is a challenging area of life for most ENFPs, and can be frustrating for ENFP's family members.

An ENFP who has "gone wrong" may be quite manipulative - and very good it. The gift of gab which they are blessed with makes it naturally easy for them to get what they want. Most ENFPs will not abuse their abilities, because that would not jive with their value systems.

ENFPs sometimes make serious errors in judgment. They have an amazing ability to intuitively perceive the truth about a person or situation, but when they apply judgment to their perception, they may jump to the wrong conclusions . (wow didn't i just write a blog about me jumping to conclusions?!?!)

the Visionary
according to http://www.geocities.com/lifexplore/enfp.htm

ENFPs are initiators of change who are keenly perceptive of possibilities, and who energize and stimulate through their contagious enthusiasm. They prefer the start-up phase of a project or relationship, and are tireless in the pursuit of new-found interests. ENFPs are able to anticipate the needs of others and to offer them needed help and appreciation. They bring zest, joy, liveliness, and fun to all aspects of their lives. They are at their best in situations that are fluid and changing, and that allow them to express their creativity and use their charisma

For ENFPs nothing occurs which does not have some significance, and they have an uncanny sense of the motivations of others. This gives them a talent for seeing life as an exciting drama, pregnant with possibilities for both good and evil. This type is found in only about 5 percent of the general population, but they have great influence because of their extraordinary impact on others. ENFPs strive toward the authentic, even when acting spontaneously, and this is usually communicated nonverbally to others, who find this characteristic attractive. ENFPs, however, find their own efforts of authenticity and spontaneity always lacking, and tend to heap coals of fire on themselves, always berating themselves for being so conscious of self.

LOL. fun read. according to this survey, you can never figure out an ENFP. i feel like a flower child now.

take the test on your spare time and share to me what "type" you are. they say i will go well with an INTJ. i guess they would be the opposite of me which means their systematic and strategic. =)

so INTJ's if you're out there. apparently you can help bring some balance into my fluid life. LOL.

Monday, September 29, 2008

the N word.

these past few years i have come to a reality that the word "never" is a pretty harsh word. there are a lot of things that my friends and i said we would "never" do...and through out the years, our "will never do's" come back and haunt us and we find ourselves in the middle of having a thousand and one feet stuck in our mouth, because we end up doing things we thought we never would. it's like there's an epidemic of "foot in mouth disease" that's spreading pretty fast. one too many times i've found myself in this circumstance but i seem to not learn from it. from saying how i never wanted to go into ministry coz i never saw myself doing anything for God, how i would never want to be in the place i am today, without a lot of money - living paycheck to paycheck, how i never thought i could like certain people, never thought certain people would be my friends, never thought i'd be a single mom, never do this and that.....the list just goes on and on.

these past few days, i've found myself battling thoughts in my head that i SWORE i would NEVER have. i was so secure about myself, my heart. i thought i knew myself too well, i was too proud to admit that it was a possibility. now my "never" comes back and bites me in the a** (okay butt).

in one sentence, in one conversation things changed. i did not see it happening. nor did i want it to happen. it just did. and i was dumbfounded. i still am. i find myself at a lost for words. even staring at my blank journal page because i have no words in me to express how i feel.

i found myself coming humbly before His throne, asking for forgiveness, embracing this circumstance He's allowed to happen in my life at this moment in order to see me for who i really am. proud, often too sure of myself and how i loooove to jump to conclusions in my head without filtering it with His Truth.

this hurts. even typing it out, i find myself having a hard time expressing this...almost to the brink of tears. to admit and be honest with myself and the world that i am once again wrong. i swallow my pride now, with heaven watching and you reading. i have learned as of today, to never say never. i think what hurts the most is that i was sooo sure. so sure that it could not happen. so self absorbed to even think of the slightest possibility that this certain circumstance would ever happen.

most of the time it's our "nevers" that challenge the universe. the angels end up saying "oh really now?" and in the end, the last laugh is always with God.

i shared to a dear friend of mine a couple of months ago a thought that God had put in my heart, about God having the last laugh, even in circumstances that seem bleak. we had talked about Sara and how she chuckled sarcastically at the thought of the possibility of having her promise child Isaac, because things seemed impossible. at that time, my friend had been frustrated with her situation and thought it would "never change". (there goes that N word again). just like Sara, she sarcastically laughed under her breath. just like Sara, i laughed sarcastically under my breath, and again like always, God has the last laugh. one year after Sarah said never...she gave birth to her promise. and when my friend said it would never change - after 2 months, she is now giving birth to her promise as well, as a missionary doing church plants.

another friend of mine once said she would never fall for a certain type of guy, my sister said she'd never marry a "non-asian" guy, again a dear friend once said she'd never join online dating services or even want to get married to someone she did not "know", my mom said she'd never divorce, my other sister said she'd never back slide. so many stories of "nevers" that did happen.

never is a strong word. and i humbly ask God to take that word out of my vocabulary. that He teach me to remain humble in all my ways and not to ever be so sure of myself because anything can happen. my plans are not His plans, my thoughts not His. and whatever the result of this current "i thought it would never happen but it's happening" circumstance, i pray that God would lead me closer to His heart and not let me forget that the only thing that can NEVER change is His love for me.

everything else, i must hold with an open hand, because really, anything is a possibility and He does know better. and with Him, the "impossibles" in our mind only challenges Him to change, sometimes our situations, but mostly our mindsets, because He has always said that He is a God of the impossible. and His Word always proves to be true.

as i bow my head in worship, i find myself thankful, saying grace before i swallow a plate full of pride. and as i cut each piece of pride, i pray that He will give me the strength to do so. i am thankful that i serve a God who knows all of me and i know that in this, i will learn once again, not to be so sure of myself, because in the end, i really don't know much at all.

*thank you R for inspiring me to write this.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

the heart of a single mom - part 3.

being a single parent has its joys. but more often than not, carrying the load of being the lone leader of your family can weary a soul. whether a single parent of one or more children (kudos to those who have more)... all will say the same - it gets very tiring and there will come a time that you will feel like you're "losing it". all of the responsibilities of running a family falls on your shoulder and sometimes the weight can get to you and can be too much to bear.

a sneak a peek into my normal daily routine (read if you will):

spending my time with God, makin
g breakfast, going to work, preparing his lessons, teaching him, interviewing people at work, making his lunch, working again, doing errands for my boss, taking him to soccer practice and games 4x a week, picking him up from his co-op classes, leading a bible study, attending a prayer meeting, having coffee with people, giving encouragement to those that need it, praying for people, attend a public speaking class once a week, do chores, clean, plan events and different parties, do laundry, spend time with my son, giving him hugs and kisses during random times of the day, telling him to drink his meds, take a bath, put the toilet seat up, change his clothes, wash his feet, brush his teeth, read his bible, go to sleep. if i'm lucky and i have my sister in the house with me, then i do all that i do for christian times two, except that in the middle of that, i remind them to be nice to each other and not to fight. i also have to play the role of being the bigger sister, making sure that my sisters are doing all right because my parents are in the middle of a nasty divorce. i know my sisters need a "stable" person who they can run to right now. then after all is said and done - i find time for me. the "me" time will include reading, taking a shower, if my feet are aching maybe massaging it, check my facebook,myspace,friendster,muitiply for a bit as my social interaction, then spend the rest of my night talking to God.

these past few days have been
extremely overwhelmingly busy. with the need to pack and move to a new place along with the other "things" i that i do, i've found myself tired and all sapped out of energy. which is so not me, by the way. anyone who knows me well enough knows that i've got energy like a energizer bunny - i can keep on going and going. maybe it's because of age or maybe more responsibilities on my shoulders, maybe it's the stress of having moved and packed 4x this year alone, or the emotional stress of seeing my family break apart, i don't really know. but i've noticed that i've been getting tired more often than i used to. i feel like i am stretched. i find myself snapping, rolling my eyes, or just being really exhausted because i feel like i'm being pulled in all directions. much like elastigirl in the movie incredibles. except i don't have her super powers.

in the midst of all of that, i find myself drawing more and more closer to Him. to just sit down at His feet to let Him fill me with His love, grace & strength. in Him, i find myself. this past sunday we sang a song at church that said "i
know who i am - i am yours." when you're single, it's nice to know that you belong to "someone". when you're a single parent, it's nice to know that someone else is there to listen and smile with you and hold you in the end of the day when you've accomplished the role of wonderwoman (or in this case - elastigirl).

so much of me gets lost in the "what to do's" and "who to be's" of every day life that i forget about me most of the time. and although the roles that i play is a huge part of me, i know that it doesn't encompass the whole of me. only at His feet, do i find myself whole. i see myself for who i really am...i don't have to try to be strong, i don't have to try to have everything planned, i don't have to move or do things for Him. i can just be. this song we sang just reminded me of how blessed i am that my God knows me, the whole of me. and He gives me the right perspectives everyday to remind myself of who He is and who He's made me to be.

my son was watching the incredibles the other day. as i passed by, i saw this portion of the movie and got caught up in the moment watching this and i saw myself. like helen...i find myself crying at His feet when overwhelming situations come up, not knowing what to do. (although crying is actually good at times) but sometimes, there is also a sense of helplessness in me when i find myself "losing it or losing me". and like edna mode in this clip, God will always come up with clever ways to make me see the bigger picture.

Helen: [sobbing] Now I'm losing him! What'll I do? What'll I do? (in my case losing it)
Edna: What are you talking about?
Helen: Huh?

Edna:[shouts] You are Elastigirl! My God [swatting Helen with a newspaper] Pull-yourself-together! "What will you do?" Is this a question? You will show him you remember that he is Mr. Incredible, and you will remind him who *you* are. Well, you know where he is. Go, confront the problem. Fight! Win!
[normal voice] And call me when you get back, darling. I enjoy our visits.

although much weight falls on my shoulders to be the breadwinner, wound kisser, food preparer, teacher, driver, prayer warrior, homeschooler, amongst other things, i know He has and will continue to give me the grace to keep on going. and in times when i find myself losing it, i will remember who He is - that He is Mr. Incredible God and by looking unto Him, it will remind me of who I am. and i will continue to live this life daily, confronting all trials and problems, carrying the load that i must, because He has give me the grace to do so. and i know that i am called to win.

Psalm 16:11 You make the path of life known to me. Complete joy is in your presence. Pleasures are by your side forever. (God's Word translation)

people in manila - blood donors needed.

I've had dengue (hemorrhagic) fever twice while i lived in the Philippines. I've had 12 blood transfusions - 6 each time, so i know how this girl feels.

Please...if you have the time and/or the right blood type, donate blood for this lady who has dengue fever. I remember being the recipient of the blood transfusions and how blessed i was that people gave their time and effort to donate blood to help save my life. I am eternally grateful. It's only because of God's mercy and grace and the giving heart of those people that donated blood to me - that I am alive today.

If you can give or if you now of someone that has the same blood type that is willing to give, please message Eauj at his multiply site.


Eauj's Message.

Hello, good-hearted people! My dalaga, aka Mandygurl aka Mandy Marcos is currently confined in Medical City for a possible case of dengue. Her platelet is way below normal and if it keeps dropping below 59, she'll need more blood AB+ for transfusion. To all her friends and "to be" friends, please be kind enough to give her a portion of your lifeblood.

Kindly send me a private message or text me for details/confirmations.

God bless you, all.


Wednesday, September 17, 2008

v.s. # 3 - it's missing again.

venting session #3 - it's missing again.

why is it that whenever i do laundry, i always end up with a missing sock?

it's happened all my life. every house i've lived in, everywhere i do laundry. i make sure all socks that go in the washing machine are in pairs. because i tend to be a bit OCD, i actually roll them into balls when i shoot them in the basket, and unroll them before i put then in the washer. so I KNOW they came in as pairs. but when time comes to fold and put away the clothes, i almost always seem to end up with one sock in the bottom of my laundry basket, sitting there alone.

well, i have a few theories as to what happens to my socks and son's socks when they disappear. to tell you frankly it's making me a bit paranoid. i don't think i should share my theories coz the sock CIA will come after me and make sure i never wear socks again. but i will take my chances, ofcourse, because i like wearing flipflops anyway - so they can go ahead and ban me from wearing socks all my life.

i feel like someone is stalking me and is obsessed with how my feet smell, just like that guy who stalked demi moore in the movie strip tease, who was gross enough to take her lint from the dryer. this person has stalked me all my life and seems to share my love for my feet. but he's nice enough not to want to "hurt" me too much that he only takes one sock and leaves me with the other. i think it's sweet. but please, to whoever is stealing my socks or my son's socks, just ask for it. you don't have to steal. i'll gladly give you the other pair you left behind so that your collection of patricia's foot fetish will be complete.

i am starting to believe that socks are alive and have a mind of its own. really. they have leaders called the sock CIA's and they protect socks from predators (us humans). i feel like they hate us humans for punishing them to smell our feet the whole day, only to throw them at random places after we've used them. no one likes the feeling of being used and abused. sad to say, that is what we do to our dear socks. so they plan it out slowly and they run away, one by one, hoping to form a conspiracy one day against all human kind and take over the world. their motto "change - remove the funk...remove the feet"

i think that washing machines and dryers are a courthouse for socks. maybe when we're not looking, socks commit certain crimes. that's why they run away and disappear. i think socks can be adulterous too. maybe they sneak out and find other socks that they can pair up with, even if it's not a match. they think they'll never get caught doing what they did, but little do they know, once thrown into the wash, the super sock god holds a hearing for them in the maytag courthouse lets the other sock juries decide whether to send them back to the earth in pairs, or leads them to eternal doom by letting them live "single" for the rest of their lives here on earth.

maybe i should start a sock-harmony-cafe where single socks can find their matches. funny thing is, i have to admit that i still have all the partners of the missing socks. i hold on to them, hoping one day they find their partners once again. it's the romantic side of me.

sears, maytag and those other companies that make washers and dryers make a secret sock compartment in their equipments. the socks that are stored there block certain ducts and airways, therefore destroying your washer and dryer at a faster rate. and once that happens, well we either call the super expensive repair guy to come and fix it or we buy another set of washer and dryer from them. it's business. it's manipulation. it's how they make money and we've been suckered for so many generations.

it's also happened that i've done laundry and found a sock that didn't even belong to me. my theory on that is that the water line and air way line from my washer and dryer are connected to others pipes all through out the world. so once the washer kicks into spin mode, the pipe cant take the pressure and tries to suck something along with the water. (try covering the sink hole with your hand when you've filled the sink with water, you feel like the sink hole just wants to eat your hand alive) so when it drains out, there's always one poor sock that can't hold on to it's partner and gets sucked into the black hole vortex of missing socks dimension. this vortex of suction will lead them somewhere in another part of the world.

i think someone in hong kong has my favorite polka dotted comfy sock. if you have it with you, please message me and i'll wire transfer you the money to send it back to me. my feet miss it so much.

okay. enough of my theories - i think i've shared too much information...i know for sure the sock CIA is after me already. next time i do laundry, i will probably lose all my socks - but i needed to take the risk to warn you, my fellow human beings, about this sock conspiracy that's going on. you're more than welcome to comment and give your own theory of missing socks. but i must warn you, the sock CIA might not appreciate that, so share at your own risk.

*cartoon used without permission. sorry to those who own them rightfully (cartoon stock and mark parisi). i didn't know how to ask permission from you.

Monday, September 15, 2008

new song.

quiet, my soul, be at peace, sit in silence and bask in His love....
though everything is changing all around.
i see people moving, destiny launching,
lives changing, souls dying
some people transitioning for the better,
and yet others for the worst.
i feel my heart cry, in the midst of changing seasons,
for two different reasons.
part of my heart remains overjoyed,
seeing people walk in their dreams,
but part of my heart mourns for the death of passionate lives,
who were once lived for something more,
something bigger than themselves,
succumb to blindness of selfish desires.
i long to be the arms
that will keep those loved ones safe wherever they go,
though i know these arms will only be able to stretch so far.

but i do know of One who's arms are able stretch far and wide,
further than i can reach.
One who will go the distance to make sure
that i and those i love dearly will be alright.
so i run to Him who's arms are strong, and cry on His shoulders,
presenting to Him a heart, filled with different emotions.

and as i sit in stillness, i am consumed by His love.
He takes me back to the different seasons in my life,
and i see His faithfulness every step of the way.
He has orchestrated and ordered my steps,
to make one beautiful symphony that is my life today.
as i listen to the music of my life's experience's,
i stand amazed at His passionate love for me
and to those around me.
He hums in my ear, whispers a love song of assurance,
He cups my heart in His hands, and shows me
that no matter what season i,
or those that i love dearly are walking into,
He will be faithful to make beautiful music
out of the different tapestries
of all the different experiences of our lives.

so i willingly stretch out my arms, surrender and let go,
knowing Who i trust my heart with,
that He will make everything okay.
and as i surrender, i am rest assured
that He will give me a
new song to sing
in this next phase of my life
and all will hear of His faithfulness,
and many will sing and dance along with me
to celebrate the amazing things He's done
and all that He's going to do.
so i put closure to this season,
and i embrace and welcome a new one,
excited to see the surprises i have along the way.
and i will hold His hand, as He takes the lead
and will dance alongside Him to a tune of a different beat.

psalm 40: 3 He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise. many will see what he has done and be amazed. they will put their trust in the Lord.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

busy-ness and letting go.

WARNING: this is a long blog. there are lots of things going on in my head and i needed to release it. this blog has no flow. i just need to write it to express how i feel at the moment. to release the thougths swimming around in my head as i embrace the busyness of this month and i learn to figure out the art of letting go. read if you will. i hope it doesn't bore you.

okay, there are just too many things happening this month...and it's only the beginning of september. boooo.

i am quite a busy mama this month. my time/life is a bit of a whirl right now. i'm planning a few parties here & there - starting to get the ball rolling with the events business, the school year for christian just started so im on over my head with lesson plans and schedules, as well as working a full time 9-6 job. soccer season starts next week, so i will have practices and games to attend as well. i will start a new bible study group that will meet next week aside from other meetings/bible studies i attend in church. AND i'm so excited about a class i will be attending once a week called "Fearless Speaking" to help me to continue to step out & walk out my dreams.

the wonderful calling of being a single parent. you turn into wonderwoman - literally :) i don't know how i do it, if not for God's grace. and now, i am at a place where, i must hold on to His grace even more - because i'm in the midst of a season of abundance and yet a season of letting go.

emotionally, it's been crazy too... i have a dear friend, A, who is flying in next week. i am really excited about that. we thought she'd be here to visit us, the beach, and attend K&L's wedding. BUT last week, my friend and sister in law R, decided that she will be accepting the offer that was given to her to go for a mission trip to mexico (her dream) and she leaves on the 15th. so now, that one week that A is coming in will actually be a reunion for CRAM - my best friends. A leaves on the 14, R leaves on the 15th. 2 goodbyes in one day :( the thought of that makes me queasy in the stomach. im getting emotional just writing about it. it's hard to say goodbye to friends who are like sisters, but goodbyes are sometimes necessary - because you know that the goodbye will end up being for the good of your friend as well as others. the loss will be another's gain.

of course there is still C, who is quite a busy woman herself coz she is newly married and is trying to look for a new job while settling in the new life of being a wife :) but im not too worried about not seeing her coz C is my sister- she can't get away from me at all. there's also M, and she is in a new season of her life as well, studying for her masters as well as finding answers to her own questions in life.

there are other women that God has put in my path that i've grown with and will grow with as friends, but i'm not quite ready to say goodbye to cramp just yet. maybe the one last week we will have together will help me let it go in my heart. it's hard, coz i know it was God who put this friendship together...and now it's God who's asking us to let it go, start anew, taking in whatever we have learned during the season we were together and using that now that we're apart.

and as i think about my closest friends moving on, my heart whispers a prayer to God. a prayer very seldom heard in the heavenly realm, that i myself, am even surprised to hear my heart say. due to certain fears and strong opinions, i did not want to get married or even thought that i needed to get married for a long time. i always thought i would be fine. in my head, i always thought when chino grows up, i will just go on mission trips or adopt other kids or speak at random conferences & travel everywhere. having a husband never really striked my fancy. until now.

my heart whisper was that God would grant me a companion. someone who will be my constant friend. one who will walk with me through life's ups and downs. someone who will help me, be strong for me, make me laugh, and dance with me. even if the fear of marriage is screaming in the inside of me - today it is silenced by a stronger longing - a longing to have a partner, a best friend. not having cramp beside me just awoke this feeling in me. it's because each of them has filled a role in my life that was much needed for me to grow. each of them represents certain characteristics that i needed during that season of my life - to inspire me to be a better person. and if, if God does decide to bring along a certain someone, i pray that he would be a sort of all-in-one cram for me, just like:
  • C, a best friend - someone who knows me inside out. knows my fears, my guilty pleasures, my worries without even verbalizing them. she just knows. of course, after 27 years of friendship, how could she not know? :) oh yeah, she dances with me too and likes music just like me :)

  • R, a servant leader - who's hugs are safe, someone who likes to drive, someone who can tell me the truth without being intimidated by my oh-so-strong personality. someone who serves the church, and teaches and knows the bible so i will actually listen to what she has to say :)
  • A, a gentle lover - who understands the voices in my head LOL! who cries for my pain even before i realize it's there. someone who knows that i like bags and that i would like my picture on my bag ;) someone who sees beyond the exterior and sees my heart and can see the giant in me when there are times that i feel so small.
  • M, a fun prayer warrior - who makes me smile with the most random things. she knows how to have fun and lots of it ;) but she also knows how to constantly speak to God. someone who knows much about sports and teaches my son things that i know not of ;) someone who isn't afraid to flash their smile and make sure that you always feel welcome in any given time of the day.
yeah, those are my friends for you. that's why it's hard to say goodbye to them and if you knew them the way i did, you would know what i'm talking about. but sometimes goodbye is another way of saying hello to a new season.

sooo, till i find new sets of close friends, or till God decides to bring me a companion, i will learn to let go and open my hand, even if it hurts, coz i'm excited that all of us dying to a season will bear much fruit in each of our lives and other people's lives as well.

John 12:24 I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels—a plentiful harvest of new lives.