Friday, July 25, 2008

pregnant with dreams.

almost 6 years ago, i came back here to the land i grew up in (and hated) with a dream in my heart to be able to go back to school. i was really hoping back then, that i'd be able to get into the school of campus ministry here in los angeles. this God-given desire to teach & preach God's Word has been burning in my heart since i've succumbed to the thought of it. (another blog will be written on how i hated the very thought of it before). much to my disbelief, i was told by some of our church leaders that i could not go into the school here because i was a single mom (ofcourse a bunch of other reasons were given, but that was the bottom line). it wasn't told to me once but twice. i was told not to even try to apply, because once the dean found out that i was a single mom - he wouldn't let me enroll.

yes, leaders of the church did that. and what they said really broke my heart. i thought that i was partly insane for feeling so strongly about these dreams. and so i let that dream die. several thoughts and feelings washed over me during the process of trying to figure it out - sadness, anger, hopelessness, mistrust - with me, with leaders, with my desires and even with God. thinking that i didn't hear from God, i put those dreams aside and i let the thought of my current situation and problems cripple me into thinking that i wasn't good enough to do the very dreams that i believe He had put in me.

There were many reasons on why i believe God had allowed that to happen and there were many lessons learned in the process of going through that time. one was for me to choose to forgive people, instead of holding it against them, because people make mistakes, just like me. in fact i say thank you to those very people. because i know that even if the reasoning was wrong, God knew that during that time, i wasn't ready just yet. another lesson learned was not to allow external circumstances to stop me from walking out in faith. because i am commanded to walk by faith and not by sight. if He chose to awaken the dream inside of me then He will be the one to lead me to the necessary steps to walk into that path, in His time. i have also learned the most important thing that i could - to learn to trust God above anything or anyone. not to put my hopes in man, in leaders, in dreams, and even an institution. not to say that i go around in mistrust, but i have learned that at the end of the day, the only anchor that my soul should rest on is God.

it's been almost 5 years after i've been told the NO - and this is how i know that this dream is God given. i feel that it just continues to grow and grow inside of me - like a baby waiting to be delivered.

when you're pregnant - usually the first & second trimesters you don't do much but wait for your belly to grow. you get excited when it moves a little, but you know that you've still got a long way to go before it comes. but on the third trimester and especially on the last month - you're big, you're heavy and you're about ready to pop. most of the time, unless told to have bed rest, the doctors recommend that you do whatever is necessary to help you in the process of giving birth. you cannot afford to just sit there - you walk, you move around, you speak to your belly, you buy the stuff that's needed to welcome the arrival...you do what you can do...because you know that anytime, it's going to happen. contractions happen - you start to feel pain all around. and it's extremely uncomfortable. you fight the pain with all your might, knowing that it's worth it to see your baby delivered. and it is.

anytime soon - it's going to happen. so i do what i can. i have been reading books here and there on learning how to speak in public and how to write. although not formal teaching like i wish i could have, the books i read give me some information that i can use.

i know its time for me to step out in faith and do what i can to see that after the process of conceiving the dream, i have been carrying it around in me and i am now big & about ready to explode. and i will labor till i see it delivered. and i know that's only the beginning, because right before my very eyes, i will see this dream grow and grow - from one generation to the next - to help people find and know Him who is Love & Truth and because of that, i will have done my part to help change this world.