Thursday, July 20, 2006

first love.

exactly 6 years & 9 months ago...i fell in love =) ...he never did anything for me to fall in love with him...i just did.....not a word was said, not a touch was given...nothing needed to be fact i fell in love with a stranger...yet somehow he wasn't a stranger....the first time i saw his heartbeat in the monitor...i knew that my heart was captured....

9 months of kicking, elbowing, nausea, waiting & excitement...i saw him for the very first time...July 21, 2000 at 8:55 pm after 12 hours of labor & an emergency c-section...i was brought face to face with my angel. As I looked at him, i felt a rush come through my head. A wave of emotions hit me...I was afraid yet joyful, I was ecstatic yet I thought to I ready for this?, I was excited to be a mother yet I was so nervous to even touch him....all these feelings in me that I've never felt before...and that's when I first knew that I was sooo much in love. This child in front of me, who was in me for 9 months & yet I had no idea "who" he was...grabbed a hold of my heart like no one else has...I knew then & there that cupid hit me & he hit me hard.

Now years after, he has learned to say "ma" to "mashan" to "mommy", i enjoyed seeing him drool & crawl & fall & walk & climb & now run all over the place...years of laughing together over silly things & crying over things that hurt us both....after many times of discipline & correction & even more times of hugs & praying together...throughout the years of evolving toys - from rattles & bottles to that big purple annoying dinosaur Barney, from blue's clues to talking vegetables, to soccer balls & baseballs, to spiderman & other marvel chararters & power rangers, to now watching "grown up movies" like disney's high school musical.....from hearing the cries & whines to the excitement in his voice when he tells me stories & the sincerety of the "i love yous & i miss yous"....I still love him as much as the very first time I saw him...All his endearing qualities just grew on me...yet the love hasn't changed. From the very first second i laid my eyes on him till now 6 years after...I still love him the same...He has done stuff to make me smile like no one else, and he has also hurt me numerous times...and yet I can't stop loving love for him only just deepens & deepens.

Looking back at the past 6 years made me realize that it's actually possible that we can love a person even if the person has never done anything to reciprocate the feeling back....we usually fall in love with people or love people because of things they do or because we've spent time with them, or because of being connected to them relationally or by affiliation...(like our parents, siblings, the "other half", or even friends). We as human beings don't usually love people just because. It usually takes a period of time & relationships have to be built to teach us how to love....But something happened to me that day....I learned for the very first time, the meaning of real, selfless, undying love...I loved him just because, not because of.... and the way i felt about my 1 day old baby that did nothing but cry & stare into oblivion is the same way i still feel about my 6 year old boy who now refuses to be kissed in public.

chino turns 6 today...he's not a baby anymore. He's actually excited that he's a "big boy" now...I, on the other hand, wishes that he won't grow up so fast =/ (sigh!) As I watch him sleep after staying up late to blow the candles on his cake & open his gift from me...I can't help but be thankful & grateful. I am amazed how God has entrusted to me such a wonderful gift. Really, chino has taught me so much in the past 6 years than I've ever learned in my entire lifetime...and I'm in awe of how much he has taught me to love & give of myself...and as I hear him snore makes me i remember the baby breaths & the late night cries...and now looking at him & the "man" God is making him to be....i can't help but smile & cry at the same time...overjoyed that my baby is now a year older....and because he's asleep...i steal the kisses that i treasure so much...& i hug him & squeeze him hard enough to wake him up & push me away...& I whisper in his ear happy birthday & i say a prayer & thank God for giving me the privilege to raise an angel and i thank God for giving me the chance to have the love that I never thought that I was possible to feel....much more even have.

now to steal a few more kisses & get my hug fix before i doze off.... =)