Thursday, July 6, 2006

broken and perfect.

written on July 6.2006 @ 11:55pm

A friend of mine sang the song "His strength is perfect" last wednesday night during our mid-week service....and it was the first time ever i've heard the song done acapella...with no background music...with no one else singing....just my friend singing it straight from his heart...& i've heard different versions of the song from different singers....but that night...i think i heard the best version of the song ever...

Ofcourse it helps that my friend has such an amazing voice (he's actually chino's favorite singer which says a lot)....but that night...the song ministered to me in a different way...i guess it's because of the way he sang...or maybe it was the stillness of the moment...the dimly lit room, the beauty of his voice, the lyrics that pierced my heart...the way people sat & listened in quiet adoration...

I really don't know exactly why...but that night I was liberated...something in me was freed...it struck me that i've been singing that song every day for the past 5 months now...(going on 6 coz it's July)....and those who know the real deal about my life, know that i've taken blow after blow after blow for the past 3 years...that i've been running this race and i'm tired...and I feel like i'm at the edge of a cliff....and i'm about to fall...

i don't know what to do anymore...and the people around me can't offer me anything else but their shoulder to cry on & their prayers, because there seems to be no answer....Not that this comes as a surprise either...I've been warned about this...numerous times by people close to me who have prayed for me...and even people who i barely know have given me a similar word or two about my circumstances.

I still remember the whisper in my heart 3 years ago (2003) on my birthday - "come to the end of yourself"....

"How do you know if you're there God? How do you know if you're at the end of yourself?" I asked myself those questions...and really, i didn't know the answers...

and I didn't know when I would get there...but I knew that I would feel it if it finally happened to me.

And I'm almost there...I know I'm almost there....I feel it in my soul...I've come to the point where I know I am almost at the end of myself. I've battled & I'm scarred, I'm tired & I'm broken. There's nothing like being broken...even the small things I've kept for myself...I finally am giving it up...it's painful that my circumstances haven't changed for the past 3 years no matter how i've prayed...no matter what I've tried to do..no matter how hard I've tried to believe...it's torture to see dreams and prayers die...

and because of that...I am broken.

It's one thing to see God answering your specific prayers and being thankful because He has answered your prayers...it's another thing when you feel His hand is upon you, disciplining you, honing you, molding you, and your prayers aren't answered and yet you choose to praise and continue to serve Him and obey Him...and you continue to believe...even if it hurts...

and the more it hurts...the more it pushes you to run all the more to Him....tired, weary legs trying to run to the loving arms of a Savior...yearning to find rest in His embrace.

As I was singing...I imagined myself breaking my alabaster jar...letting the sweet aroma of a contrite and broken spirit fill the room of His throne...there in my weakest...nearing the end of myself...the song spoke to my heart once again...but this time the truth of the song was revealed to me...not just head knowledge but accepting in my heart that my blessed assurance is not in Him answering my prayers...as great as that may be...but in knowing that His strength is perfect & mine is not...coz my strength is gone....He is strong and I am weak & tired....and that only by His grace & power will I ever continue to have the grace to run this race...

And as I run to the arms of a loving Father...I feel His strength & His grace sustain me...coz just when i feel like I'm about to fall of the edge of the cliff...i feel His wind pick me up & help me to soar & fly....

Psalm 51:17The gifts on an altar that God wants are a broken spirit. O God, You will not hate a broken heart and a heart with no pride.(NLV)

Isaiah 40:31 But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint (AMP)

Surrender

I'm giving You my heart
All that is within
I lay it all down
For the sake of You my King
I'm giving You my dreams laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride
For the promise of new life

And I Surrender
All to You, all to You

I'm singing You this song
I'm waiting at the Cross
All the world holds dear
I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You
For the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy
Even sharing in Your pain
-Lincoln Brewster

"I will strip you off everything...until you have nothing...
and only when you have nothing will you have Me...
and only when you have Me will you have everything"