Wednesday, June 18, 2008

heart in hand.

I have a thousand and one dreams growing inside of me - and one of those is to teach His Word and write books and poetry. I've felt compelled in my heart to journal my thoughts & lessons learned daily. In my quiet time that I spend with the Lord, I have felt Him nudge me gently towards this dream. BUT, I have not been too obedient, nor have I been faithful in recording my thoughts. I have been lazy. I seem to always find other things to do. Surf the web, hang out with other people, watch movies online, get lost in daily chores, even choosing to just daze & phase out rather than sit in front of my computer. I admit to all of that. But, to a certain degree, I know it's not just laziness... although I wish I could just stop at that. As I sat in front of a blank screen, the answer came to me.

It's really an underlying fear - a fear of vulnerability.

It's the thought of that swimming around my head that paralyzes me even before I begin to type. Even in journaling, my time of writing Love Letters between me & God. It hasn't been on the up and up. Writing requires me to sit down with my heart in my hand. It requires me to be vulnerable. Yes, writing could be proof of answered prayers or dreams. Putting it down in paper (or in this case, typing it) makes the moment in time remembered forever.
Or it could also be the painful picture of hopes & dreams that were washed away right before my very eyes.

To blog or write for others to read is even harder. To be subject to criticism, to other's opinions when I don't want to hear it. To be transparent in a way that will show others the REAL me. It will require of me exposing myself to a certain point. The voices in my head. The emotions. The joys and the heart aches. The lessons learned and the beautiful experiences along the way. It will be a channel to convey my inner most thoughts (yes, even the crazy ones).

And I don't like that feeling at all. I feel, to a certain degree - naked and exposed. Again that word - vulnerable.

But, I do know that it's a step I must take. Because it doesn't matter about the war in my head regarding how I feel about it. I know I have also seen writing as a powerful tool to help encourage others. Most of all, I need it for me. I need it to help my over-analyzing mind to have a way and form of release in all that is within me. I need it as a way to look back, to see life's ups and downs, my strengths, my weaknesses. I need it to see His faithfulness, even in the times where I feel like all hell has broken loose. I need it for ME...and for my offspring and the generation after...for them to see how far our family has come and the beautiful journey that God has taken us along the way.

I need to learn to be vulnerable, because when all is said and done, I know Who it is I truly am vulnerable to. And I know that He is Amazing, Faithful, Compassionate and Full of Love. And it's because of Who He is that I have learned to hold my heart in my hand for the world to see....

and to know of my life journey and to see the beauty of the God that I serve and His power to Love and transform a life that was once so hardened and lost. And to make me the woman that I am now, willing to believe in Love.