Thursday, June 26, 2008

Celebrating Love.

Yesterday, I went to visit friends of mine at, what potentially will be, my home in the near future. After spending a bit of time there, I bid my goodbyes and gave hugs to a couple of my friends that were there. One of them gave me a "side hug with a tap on the shoulder". I couldn't help but laugh & say..."what kind of a hug is that? give me a real hug?!" and ofcourse he couldn't object and gave me a "real hug".


I've been told that my hugs have the possibility to break a really frail womans back :) I know that sounds kind of morbid, but I'd rather give hugs like that than the side-tap-hug. I just recently realized that I like to give & receive hugs, especially coz it's for free :) I have also been told that I laugh - a lot. And when I laugh, its a belly laugh.



It's funny though, because if people here in America knew me 15 years ago, they would know how rare it was for me to ever hug a person or how rare it was to see me smile. I grew up not hugging my sisters, my parents, my friends. In fact, 15 years ago, I never said I love you to anyone. I was this rebellious girl who wanted to drown myself in drugs and alcohol & partying, trying any outlet I could just to numb myself of pain.

Pain of what you might ask? The pain that life offered before I met Christ. After years of being abused, left by myself to raise a son on my own, and all the other quirks that circumstances brought along the way back then, life taught me to fend for myself because I thought no one would.

That, in return, caused me to harden my heart towards everyone I knew. People were seriously scared of me. If you don't believe me, ask anyone who knew me from before. I would get fits of rage & anger (like I was incredible hulk or something). If someone said something that I didn't agree to, people would have to hide themselves & things away from me, since I had the tendency of destroying things/people/ especially myself. I was a time bomb waiting to explode.

It's amazing, now that I look back to see who I was before, how much God's love has changed me. Some might say I changed because I had to mature and grow up but I contest that thought. Statistically, people who have been abused end up being abusers themselves because they get so used to that pattern of thinking.

See, I believe in the saying "you cannot teach what you don't know". For me to be able share love, I must have experienced real love for myself. And I've never really received the fullness of love until I met my Jesus. I can tell you now, no person will ever give you extremely selfless love like Christ. And because of what He's done for me...I now live my life attempting to emulate and live out His love for myself & others. I am not perfect, but I know I'm not where I used to be.

I try to live my life everyday believing & living in love. Not the romanticized love portrayed in hollywood, but real love - by serving, encouraging, trusting, believing for the best in others, praying, forgiving (even when others don't apologize). There are days that I fail and act out in my own weakness, but more often that not, I have seen the miracle of love melt the hardness in my heart away as well as in others.

I've somehow become this "gushy" person who cries with people when they are sad and empathizes for people. I have become "that girl" who loves to give hugs, and smiles and laughs often. I've seen my life and my heart transformed in a way that I still am in shock and in awe that He was able to perform that miracle.

Miracles happen. This life can attest to that. I would literally be dead already if it didn't. (That's another story to tell). But because they do, God has given me the awesome chance to change the world by celebrating in His love daily and showing it to others as often as I can.

And that is why I love to give "real smiles and hugs" and laugh at every chance that I get. We only get one chance to live and I'm going to maximize every chance I have. I've lived the first 20 years of my life as a dead person...

...and now that I've found Life - I choose to live it to the full everyday.


"I am The Way, The Truth, The Life - John 14:6"

"Whoever does not love, does not know God for GOD IS LOVE - 1 John 4:8"

"I have come that they may have life to the full - John 10:10"

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Random.

I have blogs all over the place. I have blogs posted up in myspace, friendster, xanga,multiply, etc. I even had an old blogger account that had a couple of blogs in there but because it's been too long, I forgot which email I used and couldn't log on to it anymore :(

*yes I even have multiple emails and have forgotten the passwords and secret question to those emails as well*

How sad.

Recently though, I have just been using multiply more. Just coz it's really friendly and easy to use, and well, before there weren't that much people on it. But now, everyone and their grandma is on it too ...And because Ms. Anna has an irresistible power of persuasion....I thought I'd take up the invitation to post my blogs on blogger as well so she can read them....especially for her. (really its just for her).

So I will be posting my blogs here..and I'll make sure to put some of my recent works and the old ones as well...if I can find them...

Hopefully I can get my own website/domain soon. So I can just post it all in one place.

What is it with me and my commitment issues to stick to one thing? LOL. I don't know.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

heart in hand.

I have a thousand and one dreams growing inside of me - and one of those is to teach His Word and write books and poetry. I've felt compelled in my heart to journal my thoughts & lessons learned daily. In my quiet time that I spend with the Lord, I have felt Him nudge me gently towards this dream. BUT, I have not been too obedient, nor have I been faithful in recording my thoughts. I have been lazy. I seem to always find other things to do. Surf the web, hang out with other people, watch movies online, get lost in daily chores, even choosing to just daze & phase out rather than sit in front of my computer. I admit to all of that. But, to a certain degree, I know it's not just laziness... although I wish I could just stop at that. As I sat in front of a blank screen, the answer came to me.


It's really an underlying fear - a fear of vulnerability.


It's the thought of that swimming around my head that paralyzes me even before I begin to type. Even in journaling, my time of writing Love Letters between me & God. It hasn't been on the up and up. Writing requires me to sit down with my heart in my hand. It requires me to be vulnerable. Yes, writing could be proof of answered prayers or dreams. Putting it down in paper (or in this case, typing it) makes the moment in time remembered forever.
Or it could also be the painful picture of hopes & dreams that were washed away right before my very eyes.


To blog or write for others to read is even harder. To be subject to criticism, to other's opinions when I don't want to hear it. To be transparent in a way that will show others the REAL me. It will require of me exposing myself to a certain point. The voices in my head. The emotions. The joys and the heart aches. The lessons learned and the beautiful experiences along the way. It will be a channel to convey my inner most thoughts (yes, even the crazy ones).


And I don't like that feeling at all. I feel, to a certain degree - naked and exposed. Again that word - vulnerable.


But, I do know that it's a step I must take. Because it doesn't matter about the war in my head regarding how I feel about it. I know I have also seen writing as a powerful tool to help encourage others. Most of all, I need it for me. I need it to help my over-analyzing mind to have a way and form of release in all that is within me. I need it as a way to look back, to see life's ups and downs, my strengths, my weaknesses. I need it to see His faithfulness, even in the times where I feel like all hell has broken loose. I need it for ME...and for my offspring and the generation after...for them to see how far our family has come and the beautiful journey that God has taken us along the way.


I need to learn to be vulnerable, because when all is said and done, I know Who it is I truly am vulnerable to. And I know that He is Amazing, Faithful, Compassionate and Full of Love. And it's because of Who He is that I have learned to hold my heart in my hand for the world to see....


and to know of my life journey and to see the beauty of the God that I serve and His power to Love and transform a life that was once so hardened and lost. And to make me the woman that I am now, willing to believe in Him...in Hope...in Dreams...in Faith...in Love.




Tuesday, June 17, 2008

of love and.

...Basketball...

Yes...i said it...basketball.

Those of you that know me or have known me for quite some time, know how much I hated basketball with a passion. (Notice...hated..it's past tense). Mind you, it wasn't just the players I hated. It was the game itself. I thought basketball were for wussies who couldn't handle rough play. A simple touch could be called a "foul" and they could get extra points for being "touched the wrong way" LOL.

Don't get me wrong....I'm not much of a sports fan at all, but I do like boxing - so maybe I'm somewhat fascinated by contact sports...the blood, the cuts, the fact that someone actually gets HURT! Growing up watching the 49ers & the A's/Giants in Frisco made me appreciate football and basketball to some degree, but not a whole lot. Again, sports wasn't my "thing".

Now my generation could be called the generation that was in love with Jordan. He was the star back then and the Bulls were the champions. I loathed that team. My cousins who are from Chicago are BULLS lovers. I always said BULLS**T. LOL. Everytime the Bulls played the finals or the championship, I would root for the other team (I wouldn't even be watching the game)...I would just be making a lot of noise...just to piss other people off. I think I've only watched 20 total basketball games in my whole life (9 NBA games - that's including Games 1-5 of this final season; 6 games of Chino and 5 games of Rolo).

So after years of sticking with my ever-so-strong opinions about hating sports, especially basketball, one person had the audacity to "challenge" me to watch the NBA Finals with him this season (Lakers vs. Celtics)...

And that person is my son. Christian. He LOOOOOOVES sports. He has enrolled in Taekwondo, Track & Field, Soccer & Basketball. Guess which sport he fell in love with????

YES....BASKETBALL! (deep inside I wished he liked soccer better). And of all the team he had to root for, it had to be the L.A. LAKERS. I hated the Lakers almost as much as the Bulls, and even though he is cute, you could say that Kobe Bryant was in the same level as Jordan was in my mind - non existent.

Being a person that hates "challenges", I gave in to his challenge and sat down and watched one game. We have a bet, if the Celtics win, I get a 10 minute massage, if the Lakers win, he gets the massage. Again, back to my obnoxious ways of rooting for the other team.

So we sat and watched the first game of this final season - BOSTON VS. LA. My son felt really bad coz the Lakers lost the first game. That's all it took. His sad face. I saw he really cared about watching and didn't want to miss a game...and he really wants the Lakers to win. And as a mom always does towards her children, my heart melted towards the game I hated and a team I didn't care for, all because Christian wanted the Lakers to win so bad. And foor the first time ever, I began cheering for the Lakers. And I would clap for Mr. Arrogant-but-cute Kobe Bryant if he scored. I have watched every finals game. I've gone on NBA.com and Yahoo sports to see what commentators have to say about the game. I've checked on stats, some of the players history and I'm excited to watch Game 6 tonight - Royal colors of purple and gold vs. green eyed monsters. :D

So now, comes the hard part...I have to "come out of the closet" and admit that I actually like basketball now...I watch the game with a passion...I think even more so than Christian. And I have to get the foot out of my big mouth when I said that basketball is for wussies. Because I see that it's not. I apologize.

And so began this wonderous thought journey in my head about.....

CHANGING YOUR LIFESTYLE & VERY STRONG OPINIONS FOR SOMEONE YOU DEARLY LOVE.

I'm a very very opinionated person and for God to use a 7 year old to change my mind about sports...and not just change my mind, but turn me into a convert by the power of his love (i.e. hugs everytime the Lakers score), it's an amazing experience. I am in awe of how wonderful LOVE really is and how it can make you do stuff you never, ever thought you could do.

It reminds me of an experience I had years ago, a love that was lavished on me. Perfect love - when I first found Jesus. It's been years now and truly, everyday with Him is sweeter than the day before. I have done things I never thought I would do. I have changed my mind set and my lifestyle in order to please Him. I don't do it because I have to, I do it because I WANT to. I've tried other things, but nothing can compare to the powerful feeling of real love in my life. And because I've tasted & I've seen the real thing, imitations will never do.

Real love makes you do that - it changes you. You don't go into love to make others change. You become willing to change yourself - for the better. To be open to new things, even new mindsets. I'm glad I found real love. I'm glad to have been able to be a recipient of God's blessing - Him sending an "almost 8 year old boy" into my life to change my life and mindset about a lot of things; in this case - sports and the wonderful fascination of competitiveness.

And with the finals being the way it is: Celtics 3, Lakers 2, it's been said that the Lakers making a comeback to win this season is close to impossible since it's never been done...

I like that word...IMPOSSIBLE. Whenever I hear that...something inside me gets excited. I feel like the dreamer in me awakens the alarm in my head and says "saaay whaaat???" Somehow, because of God's track record in my life, where I've come from & where I am now - IMPOSSIBLE seems to not belong in my life vocabulary.

Who would've thought??? Who woudl've though that God would bring a "lil man" into my life and do the impossible. Patricia now likes sports. Patricia now loves to watch basketball. Patricia cheers for the Lakers. Patricia has the utmost respect for Michael Jordan.

And tonight, whether the Lakers win & take it to game 7 or not (hopefully not the latter), I can say that I'm the real winner...coz I was able to have a good time watching the games with my son - something that he will always look back to & hopefully say "My mommy is cool". And I can truly say that this was a rich experience, because I now am open to new and wonderful things that I've always thought I never would.

Go Lakers!


**By the way, His way of challenging me to watch the game was to look at me with puppy dog eyes, smile and say "Please Mommy, spend some time with me and watch the game, coz even if you don't like it...I do"? Who can say no to that?!?!?**



Saturday, June 7, 2008

dear dreams.

Silence around me, but my heart beats so loud.....
how do I go about drowning you out? off my head..... off my heart.
So close that I can almost touch you...
feel you...
taste you.
But when I reach out you're instantly gone.
What again did I do that was so wrong?
To have a taste of something so pure, so true and have it disappear before your eyes
Do I hold on? Do I keep on? Or do I let go?

Sometimes I wish someone could just tell me....
Coz I really really don't know.....
My heart beats even louder at the very thought of you,
How can I let this go, if I know it to be true?
To see you be reality.....
...The rush I get when I see the visions causes momentary insanity.
But once again, the day fades into night..
and darkness gives way and tries to remove any glimmer of hope...
But even when the night sky dims, the stars shine too bright to provide a light
a way out...a picture of reality not too far to attain...
that one day you will be...... MINE....
and you, my dream will be HERE.