Thursday, July 27, 2006

summers before.

i would love to be able to fly out to the islands (either hawaii or to the philippines) and spend the rest of the hot summer days there....where i can feel the powder white sand underneath my feet, where time is on a stand still & you can shut out the world & relax while the cool but also warm blue waters invite you to dive in & bask in it...truly the beach is one of God's most wonderful creations...

summer reminds me of the fun times i had with my family back home...especially with my cousins...we'd always spend summer together on the beach (like 7 huge families or more), every year we would go to different beaches…from virgin beaches where there was no electricity & we slept in tents and had to deal with make shift holes in the grounds as our “bathrooms”, to crowded beaches which we always took dominion of...



and the first thing we'd do in the morning was to race & see who could get on the jetskis first....or we'd enjoy the fact of getting our arms pulled on while water skiing, hitting your face first as you fall on the water & it hurts like hell but you go and do it again anyway...or swim & swim & swim & play on the shore....or we’d snorkel or dive to our hears desire. we do that the whole day...we never get sick of the water...despite numerous jellyfish stings, near drowning experiences, lovers getting lost in the island, coral reef cuts, and so much more...

well of course i can't forget my favorite thing to do: my endless fascination with rubbing pure coconut oil & coke on me while i bake under the sun as i work on my tan while listening to the waves hit the shore...in the background kids scream & laugh, while others are listening to music, eating, gambling, cooking or drinking...or doing all of it at the same time...



then there's also playing a game or two of volleyball.....and making a bet for who will buy drinks that night, which makes the game so fun & competitive...you can see the faces of people, with a mix of sweat & sunblock dripping down their chin...pretending to be serious but doing all they can do to cheat :) and after the game...we jump into the water once again

as the sun sets, usually everyone has their fill of inihaw na baboy & adobo & all the other good food...and after....we sit around with SMB *or mang jose or ginpom & yosi :)* at hand and tell each other's stories about the stupid & crazy stuff we'd use to do or still did...or we'd take scandalous pictures of relatives while they were unaware =)....and we'd laugh...and laugh...and laugh some more....until we all passed out on the sand....and we'd wake up in the morning with a bangin' head ache as the sun kissed our skin...and the only way to remove the head ache is to jump into the beautiful blue waters or get on that jet ski and let the adrenalin kick in...only to do the very same things all over again for about a 5 days straight.

those were the days...=( and i miss them ooohh sooo much...except of course for the head aches....lol i'm a changed person now...hahaha ;)

as i look back, i realized how blessed i am to have experienced all that & more...& the best thing about it is i experienced it with the best people...my family & relatives & i'm hoping that one day soon i can take chino back to the motherland & let him experience a little bit for himself part of my childhood, for him to feel our powder-like sand beaches, to be able to take diving lessons like the whole family did, to have the joy of being with 15 cousins as they play on the shore, & to see his great great grandma & hear her yell at him to eat breakfast before heading out the water.....

one day it'll happen....one day soon :)


by the way....i don’t really care for the beaches here in LA...they don't do God justice...really they don't. The water is polluted & cold & the sand is rough & dirty. whyyyy are our beaches here like that???

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

waiting.

written on july 25, 06 @ 11:26 pm

i'm pushed...to the end of my limit....to the end of myself

i have no where else to go...no where else to turn....

but either move forward or take 2 steps back...

why do i feel like taking 2 steps back is the answer....

coz moving forward doesnt seem to be a viable option...

because i am hard pressed...

hard pressed...with time...with hopes...even just for my sanity....

for my reason to hold on & believe...

i've done all i seem to think i can do...

& i've waited for the answer in the still of the nights...in the moments of pain....

& yet all i hear is silence....

they say its always darkest before dawn....

it sure is dark where i am now.....

i'm blinded by the darkness...wishing for a glimmer of light...of hope

all i ask is for is that He holds on to me...

coz I don't have enough strength to hold on any longer....

the red wine & the music eases my mind....

as i sit here...tired...and still waiting....and hoping....

for that glimpse of light....so i can continue to hold on.

help me to trust in You....even when it hurts so bad....

pls. hold my hand....

coz i'm wanting to let go....

please hold me in your arms.....

coz i need you to comfort me....

please whisper in my ear that you want what's best for me.....

coz i need to know that the pain im going through isn't in vain....

i don't wanna wait in vain.


Monday, July 24, 2006

hope deferred.

prov.13:2 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life (NIV)

prov. 13:12 Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick, but a sudden good break can turn life around (MSG)

my heart is so sick of all of this...it feels like im living but im dead at the same time. i feel numb...like the numbness that u feel when people slap u & hit u in the face 101 times that you can't feel anything anymore...u want to feel something...but u can't.

help me God. give me something to hold on to...


Thursday, July 20, 2006

first love.

exactly 6 years & 9 months ago...i fell in love =) ...he never did anything for me to fall in love with him...i just did.....not a word was said, not a touch was given...nothing needed to be done....in fact i fell in love with a stranger...yet somehow he wasn't a stranger....the first time i saw his heartbeat in the monitor...i knew that my heart was captured....

9 months of kicking, elbowing, nausea, waiting & excitement...i saw him for the very first time...July 21, 2000 at 8:55 pm after 12 hours of labor & an emergency c-section...i was brought face to face with my angel. As I looked at him, i felt a rush come through my head. A wave of emotions hit me...I was afraid yet joyful, I was ecstatic yet I thought to myself...am I ready for this?, I was excited to be a mother yet I was so nervous to even touch him....all these feelings in me that I've never felt before...and that's when I first knew that I was sooo much in love. This child in front of me, who was in me for 9 months & yet I had no idea "who" he was...grabbed a hold of my heart like no one else has...I knew then & there that cupid hit me & he hit me hard.

Now years after, he has learned to say "ma" to "mashan" to "mommy", i enjoyed seeing him drool & crawl & fall & walk & climb & now run all over the place...years of laughing together over silly things & crying over things that hurt us both....after many times of discipline & correction & even more times of hugs & praying together...throughout the years of evolving toys - from rattles & bottles to that big purple annoying dinosaur Barney, from blue's clues to talking vegetables, to soccer balls & baseballs, to spiderman & other marvel chararters & power rangers, to now watching "grown up movies" like disney's high school musical.....from hearing the cries & whines to the excitement in his voice when he tells me stories & the sincerety of the "i love yous & i miss yous"....I still love him as much as the very first time I saw him...All his endearing qualities just grew on me...yet the love hasn't changed. From the very first second i laid my eyes on him till now 6 years after...I still love him the same...He has done stuff to make me smile like no one else, and he has also hurt me numerous times...and yet I can't stop loving him...my love for him only just deepens & deepens.

Looking back at the past 6 years made me realize that it's actually possible that we can love a person even if the person has never done anything to reciprocate the feeling back....we usually fall in love with people or love people because of things they do or because we've spent time with them, or because of being connected to them relationally or by affiliation...(like our parents, siblings, the "other half", or even friends). We as human beings don't usually love people just because. It usually takes a period of time & relationships have to be built to teach us how to love....But something happened to me that day....I learned for the very first time, the meaning of real, selfless, undying love...I loved him just because, not because of.... and the way i felt about my 1 day old baby that did nothing but cry & stare into oblivion is the same way i still feel about my 6 year old boy who now refuses to be kissed in public.

chino turns 6 today...he's not a baby anymore. He's actually excited that he's a "big boy" now...I, on the other hand, wishes that he won't grow up so fast =/ (sigh!) As I watch him sleep after staying up late to blow the candles on his cake & open his gift from me...I can't help but be thankful & grateful. I am amazed how God has entrusted to me such a wonderful gift. Really, chino has taught me so much in the past 6 years than I've ever learned in my entire lifetime...and I'm in awe of how much he has taught me to love & give of myself...and as I hear him snore away...it makes me nostalgic...as i remember the baby breaths & the late night cries...and now looking at him & the "man" God is making him to be....i can't help but smile & cry at the same time...overjoyed that my baby is now a year older....and because he's asleep...i steal the kisses that i treasure so much...& i hug him & squeeze him hard enough to wake him up & push me away...& I whisper in his ear happy birthday & i say a prayer & thank God for giving me the privilege to raise an angel and i thank God for giving me the chance to have the love that I never thought that I was possible to feel....much more even have.

now to steal a few more kisses & get my hug fix before i doze off.... =)


Sunday, July 16, 2006

the secret place

i find myself once again
in the secret place
consumed in His presence
wrapped in His embrace

as I lay there to rest
i feel it in my soul
time suddenly stands still
and everything is made whole

all my worries washed away
the peace that comes from above
is lavishly poured down on me
and I feel His endless love

i worship Him with all that I am
i am amazed with His grace
the King of all the universe
i stand with face to face

the same hands that shaped the mountains
now holds my hand to guide me
the same voice that calmed the storm
now comforts & pacifies me

i thank Him for all He's done
and all He's going to do
and i say in my heart
no one else compares to You

only in the secret place
is where i can be sure
that no matter what the obstacles
by His strength I can endure

- written by:
Songs of Solomon 1:4 "Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the King bring me into His chambers."

Psalm 91:1 "He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty"

Songs of Solomon 2:4-10
"He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love...Strengthen me, refresh me... for I am faint with love...His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me....Listen! My lover! Look! Here he comes, leaping across the mountains, bounding over the hills....My lover spoke and said to me, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me...the rains are over and gone....Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come...The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling See! The winter is past; my beautiful one, come with me."

Monday, July 10, 2006

magnet without men.

July 10, 2006 @ 9:09PM

read this saying on a magnet today as i was strolling around the lobby of the hilton hotel. The magnet said:

"Imagine a world without men....there would be no crime & lots of happy fat women!"

....that made my day :)

Thursday, July 6, 2006

broken and perfect.

written on July 6.2006 @ 11:55pm

A friend of mine sang the song "His strength is perfect" last wednesday night during our mid-week service....and it was the first time ever i've heard the song done acapella...with no background music...with no one else singing....just my friend singing it straight from his heart...& i've heard different versions of the song from different singers....but that night...i think i heard the best version of the song ever...

Ofcourse it helps that my friend has such an amazing voice (he's actually chino's favorite singer which says a lot)....but that night...the song ministered to me in a different way...i guess it's because of the way he sang...or maybe it was the stillness of the moment...the dimly lit room, the beauty of his voice, the lyrics that pierced my heart...the way people sat & listened in quiet adoration...

I really don't know exactly why...but that night I was liberated...something in me was freed...it struck me that i've been singing that song every day for the past 5 months now...(going on 6 coz it's July)....and those who know the real deal about my life, know that i've taken blow after blow after blow for the past 3 years...that i've been running this race and i'm tired...and I feel like i'm at the edge of a cliff....and i'm about to fall...

i don't know what to do anymore...and the people around me can't offer me anything else but their shoulder to cry on & their prayers, because there seems to be no answer....Not that this comes as a surprise either...I've been warned about this...numerous times by people close to me who have prayed for me...and even people who i barely know have given me a similar word or two about my circumstances.

I still remember the whisper in my heart 3 years ago (2003) on my birthday - "come to the end of yourself"....

"How do you know if you're there God? How do you know if you're at the end of yourself?" I asked myself those questions...and really, i didn't know the answers...

and I didn't know when I would get there...but I knew that I would feel it if it finally happened to me.

And I'm almost there...I know I'm almost there....I feel it in my soul...I've come to the point where I know I am almost at the end of myself. I've battled & I'm scarred, I'm tired & I'm broken. There's nothing like being broken...even the small things I've kept for myself...I finally am giving it up...it's painful that my circumstances haven't changed for the past 3 years no matter how i've prayed...no matter what I've tried to do..no matter how hard I've tried to believe...it's torture to see dreams and prayers die...

and because of that...I am broken.

It's one thing to see God answering your specific prayers and being thankful because He has answered your prayers...it's another thing when you feel His hand is upon you, disciplining you, honing you, molding you, and your prayers aren't answered and yet you choose to praise and continue to serve Him and obey Him...and you continue to believe...even if it hurts...

and the more it hurts...the more it pushes you to run all the more to Him....tired, weary legs trying to run to the loving arms of a Savior...yearning to find rest in His embrace.

As I was singing...I imagined myself breaking my alabaster jar...letting the sweet aroma of a contrite and broken spirit fill the room of His throne...there in my weakest...nearing the end of myself...the song spoke to my heart once again...but this time the truth of the song was revealed to me...not just head knowledge but accepting in my heart that my blessed assurance is not in Him answering my prayers...as great as that may be...but in knowing that His strength is perfect & mine is not...coz my strength is gone....He is strong and I am weak & tired....and that only by His grace & power will I ever continue to have the grace to run this race...

And as I run to the arms of a loving Father...I feel His strength & His grace sustain me...coz just when i feel like I'm about to fall of the edge of the cliff...i feel His wind pick me up & help me to soar & fly....

Psalm 51:17The gifts on an altar that God wants are a broken spirit. O God, You will not hate a broken heart and a heart with no pride.(NLV)

Isaiah 40:31 But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint (AMP)

Surrender

I'm giving You my heart
All that is within
I lay it all down
For the sake of You my King
I'm giving You my dreams laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride
For the promise of new life

And I Surrender
All to You, all to You

I'm singing You this song
I'm waiting at the Cross
All the world holds dear
I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You
For the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy
Even sharing in Your pain
-Lincoln Brewster

"I will strip you off everything...until you have nothing...
and only when you have nothing will you have Me...
and only when you have Me will you have everything"