Sunday, December 31, 2006

life lessons for Christmas.

For the past 2 years in a row... i've haven't been able to be the one to buy the 1 expensive thing that my son really wants and asks for. Not that buying expensive things is what will satisfy him...coz he gets satisfied with the simplest of things, like people throwing him up in the air or going on a "shopping spree" at the 99c store :) this year though he really really really wanted a Nintendo DS. But he knew it was too expensive for me to but he knew that mommy wasnt getting it for him.

Somehow... being a parent, something in you wants to be able to give to your child exactly what he wants & it breaks your heart if you can't. Don't get me wrong... it's not spoiling him, it's not giving into his whims. It's not even the pleasure that you can get after to be able to give exactly what your child wants. I found what it was this year... and Im glad I have it on video to keep forever :)

Because some people had heard his wish for christmas, a few angels gave me contributions here & there and we got him a Nintendo DS lite. *you know who you angels are ;) thank you* BUT getting the money for the DS was only half of the story. Waking up every morning the next few days after.. going to target, best buy & every other store where they sold it.... excited to buy him his gift...only to find out that it was out of stock in every store and even on line... so there i was waiting...waiting...waiting if they we're going to have in back in stock...WAITING... that was was the killer. I had means...but I had to WAIT to get that nintendo thing.

thank God my sister works at fry's...she called me 2 days before christmas... saying that frys had some in stock that hour & i had to drive there pronto coz they were selling like $1 cheeseburgers. When i got there... they had 2 left and needless to say i went home a happy mom. :)

Soooo Christmas came....and as you'll see in the video below....seeing his big innocent smile as he opened his gift made all the waiting worth it.... that smile gave me satisfaction... it filled my heart with joy...


Somehow in the middle of all this craziness... I caugh a glimpse of my Father's heart.... a two fold perspective in this situation.

Through the eyes of a parent - I would have fought & wrestled for that last nintendo ds if i had to... just for my son - can you imagine how much God will move heaven & earth coz he wants to satisfy us with the desires of our heart & fulfill our dreams? He is the Father who loves to make His children smile. There was a lesson there that He showed me - there was waiting involved... before I was able to give Chino what he was just a toy but he had to wait for years... waiting... waiting... waiting... for what? sometimes for the right time, sometimes for the right resources to get together, mostly because waiting for something makes u appreciate it more when you get it.... just like the guy in the movie "the pursuit of happyness"

He whispered in my heart, you will get your answers... one day... and you will have the biggest smile on your face when you do...coz it will come in a time you didnt expect it to... and I will be right will be right there.... waiting for that BIG SMILE :) and that grateful heart that knows how much you are loved by your Father in Heaven

Through the eyes of the child - Chino just prayed to God for a DS... somehow God had to speak into people's hearts to give contributions and I had to be the one to go through all the craziness in finding the gift. Chino just again waited... not knowing what he was gonna get. He just went through everyday life knowing what he wanted but not sulking if he didnt get it. He didn't have to go through all the stores, he didnt stress over the color of the DS or where to get it or how much it was, He was being what he was... a child... not a worry in the world. He just knew that if he prayed... someday his prayer was going to get answered.'s hard when your 6 year old son shows you how it is to live by faith. Again, God-conversations happened and My Father showed me to be more like Chino - trusting, beleiving, full of faith, no need to fret, worry, or make things live by faith & not by sight. Chino knew that when he prayed... he was heard. Just like I was with Chino - My Father will move heaven & earth to give me the desires of my heart in His time. All i have to do is Pray & Trust & go through my life everyday knowing that He's heard me and one day He will answer :)

oh yeah thanks to all my friends who got me & chino a gift this christmas and a big thanks to all my friends that got me this... i LOOOOOVE it! :)

Chino did give me BLING BLING for christmas (he didnt know it was fake though) - and somehow... i treasure that ring more than I do my real ones... because it came from someone i loooved dearly. he knew what his momma wanted... and he went out of his way to tell his grandma to get mommy a ring :)

Life is good ya'll....don't let circumstances tell you otherwise! 2 Corinthians 5:7
Happy New Year everyone! :)

from my xanga account:

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

better than life.

Psalm 63

David wrote this psalm while he was in the wilderness of Judah. describes a desert as a place of barreness, desolation, and lack. In the wilderness...David knew what it felt like to thirst, to long, to crave....he had a lot of needs during that time. He had important physical needs like food, water, shelter...then there were also emotional needs like family and friends & the betrayal he faced and how the king's life was threatened because his own son wanted to kill him. He had more going on in his life during that time than most of us will probably ever have in our lifetime. He faced so much problems & trials - some of them very life threatening, some just very heart breaking - and he was in one of the worst places you can ever be at to experience trials & problems...THE WILDERNESS.

But things always take a new twist with King David. That despite all the hardships he had to endure, how awesome it was that he was able to write one of my most favorite verses in the bible (Ps.63:3) and declare God's goodness while he was in the wilderness. He knew the problems were real....he knew he was in the desert where life wasn't fruitful and it seemed like his prayers weren't being answered. But yet, despite all those facts, he chose to stick with the Truth, and declared that "God's love is better than life itself". The one thing I love about King David was that he always spoke God's truth without watering down his own feelings and emotions as a human being. He knew the balance...he knew his heart and he also knew God.

At that moment the man after God's own heart declared to the very desert that seemed to engulf him that God's lovingkindess was better than anything life had to matter what life had to offer. Whether he was King on the throne or King on the run....he spoke of God's faithfulness...because he knew who he served....he knew God. Matthew Henry says "he comforted himself with thoughts of God".

I know in my life right now...I can very well relate to this Wilderness Experience. So much is on my plate right's beyond what most people can even begin to comprehend. My smile & the laughter drown out my breaking heart somehow. it seems like I have no answers coming my way - even if i've prayed, fasted, seeked, asked, waited.....somehow everything seems to be on hold. I look at my circumstances and I see barrenness and lack. Just like David - my needs are very real and I am in a desert place. And yet, knowing somehow that God love's me a sense of peace & stillness in my heart. Yes I cry and I face the pain...I do not water down my problems and pretend it's all fine. I know there's pain....I feel it. And yet, I also know that He loves me. And His love for me is better than anything life has to offer.

I pray that like King David, I will have enough grace & strength to hold on tenaciously, that my soul would cling to Him, to earnestly seek and long for Him - to behold His power and His glory - to learn every day to be fully dependent on Him - because He is faithful and He will satisty my soul with the richest of foods

Psalm 63
A psalm of David, regarding a time
when David was in the wilderness of Judah.

1 O God, you are my God;
I earnestly search for you.
My soul thirsts for you;
my whole body longs for you
in this parch
ed and weary land
where there is no water.

2 I have seen yo
u in your sanctuary
and gazed upon your power and glory.

3 Your unfailing love is better to me than life itself;
how I praise you!

4 I will honor you as long as I live,
lifting up my hands to you in prayer.

5 You satisfy me more than the richest of foods.
I will praise you with songs of joy.

6 I lie awake thinking of you,
meditating on you through the night.

7 I think how much you have helped me;
I sing for joy in the shado
w of your protecting wings.

8 I follow clo
se behind you;
your strong right hand holds me securely.

the desert in judah

Sunday, November 26, 2006



hope seemed to be so far away...
few people know...that beneath the laughter & the smile...
there's a heart falling apart...
I try to be strong to cover up the pain...
but as i drove home today....
i couldn't help but let down the tears...
people see, but they don't know...
the secrets of the heart...
the yearning, the longing for answers...
when...when will it be better?
how long must I long must I pray?
how long do I have to cry everynight...
and sleep on a pillow wet with tears?

Ruthless Trust, Reckless Abandon is what they say....
yet, I find myself asking, wondering, have I not trusted You enough?
have I not had enough faith to believe and hold on to the promises?
why do I feel like my dreams, the very desires You gave...
are all slowly washing down the drain?
why do I feel alone?
You promised me I would never be alone.
come...I need You to hold me.

coz pain is what I feel...and it hurts so bad...
the joy of You is my strength they say....
tell me what it is that gives you joy?
i need Your joy...i need Your strength
so i can have enough hope in me for the next day...

the silence is deafening.....
i hear nothing....
i press in with thanksgiving and praise...
and yet I hear nothing at all....
except for my heart breaking...
and me trying hard to breathe and drown out the tears...

So i sip on my Cab...listen to jazz music...
ella fitzgerald, billie holiday to help soothe me...
and I try find reasons to smile....
coz my eyes are tired of crying.
Please please answer me...
coz I'm tired of crying.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

the heart of a single mom part 2.


I haven't blogged for quite a while now...ever since my laptop crashed I haven't really been able to sit down long enough in front of the computer and just gaze at the monitor till I get the "feel" of writing...and so I was doing that just now, thinking about what to blog about next...and I decided it would be good to give you guys a glimpse into the lives of single mothers.

I've written several blogs about a lot of random things (i wrote them on my other online journal) but the one of the things that really inspire me is when I write about single moms (all the joys, issues, and all the roller coaster emotions that go along with it). According to, they say that
"There are 19 million single parents in the United States. Fifty-nine percent of American children will live in a single-parent family at least once during their minor years". The church has always been challenged to help single mothers and their children. James 1:27 says that "we should care for widows and orphans."

John 4:35 says:
"I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields, coz they are ripe for harvest." Somehow, I'd like to be able to help in opening the world's eyes to see single mom's in a different light. I pray that through these blogs, people will open their eyes and see that they need not go far to help the fatherless & the orphans, coz they are everywhere. Single moms & their children need all the love and the support we can get. If you know a single mom - reach out to them - a phone call, a prayer, cooking them a dish or offering to take them & their children out will do wonders...coz the stress of raising a child alone is harder than you think.

If you are a single mom and you're reading this...I hope these blogs will help open your eyes to motivate you, encourage you, and help you embrace the beauty of being a single mother. No other job in the world is harder than being the lone bread-maker & home-maker at the same time. Hey, like I always say - we get to enjoy having the best of both worlds ;) Once again, to single parents: you are my heroes.

Ok...on with the blog....


I'd like to begin with the classic example of a single mom in the Bible - Hagar .

Genesis 16:3-4 "He slept with Hagar, and she conceived (NIV)..Later, when Hagar knew she was going to have a baby, she became proud and was hateful..."(CEV)

No matter how you became a single mother - whether it was getting pregnant out of wedlock, through divorce, or a death of a spouse - we all have to learn to deal with issues that face being a single mother. We women weren't designed to raise children on our own. And when it does happen to us, we somehow teach ourselves to "toughen up" because the situation calls for it. Hagar - when she learned she was going to have a baby, somehow found it in her heart to become proud & hateful...towards her mistress Sarai & to the father of her child - Abraham.

Like her, we single moms have to make sure to check our hearts and see if there is any thing in us that has caused us to "harden our hearts" and become proud, hateful and unforgiving. Despite the pain we've been through, it's never an excuse to be bitter and resentful against our child's father, against ourself, our children and most especially against God. Like the saying goes "We teach what we know but we impart who we are." Let us remember that our children are watching us, and if we continually gripe about our situations or complain in front of them about their "so-called absentee-dads", we're teaching our kids to learn not to be forgiving as well as teaching them to be ungrateful about life in general.

As hard as it may be in this given situation - learn to count your blessings and not your problems or your lack. I know, it's easier said than done. Trust me, I know what it feels like when all you can do is just cry coz problems are so overwhelming and there's no one to share it to but yourself. That happens. Let the pain out. Cry it all out - Breathe after - and learn to Live & enjoy life. We were created for so much more than just being anxious because of unpaid bills.

Instead of seeing the lack - look at the blessings and enjoy them. During bad times - I try hard to train myself to see that I am blessed. Blessed to have a son who loves me so much. Blessed to have a roof over my head. Blessed to be able to have family & friends who love me. Blessed to have a church family that supports me. My problems are still there, but my focus is on more positive things, because dwelling on past hurts & negative things won't get me anywhere. In the process, I'm teaching my son lessons that he will value in life as he gets older.

Mothers, let us be the good example that our children need to see. We are all they have. Let us not take that for granted. Let us not be resentful & bitter moms. Instead let us be the extraordinary moms who, although are raising children by ourselves, continue to count it all joy even when trials come. Because God has given us hope in Jesus and He's given us the best gift in the world - our kids. They deserve to be raised in healthy, happy homes that are full of love.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

ruth's return.

Ruth's return to her mother-in-law.
Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary on the Bible

Ruth had done all that was fit for her to do, she must patiently wait the event. Boaz, having undertaken this matter, would be sure to manage it well. Much more reason have true believers to cast their care on God, because he has promised to care for them. Our strength is to sit still, Isa 30:7. This narrative may encourage us to lay ourselves by faith at the feet of Christ: He is our near Kinsman; having taken our nature upon him. He has the right to redeem. Let us seek to receive from him his directions: Lord, what wilt thou have me to do? Ac 9:6. He will never blame us as doing this unseasonably. And let us earnestly desire and seek the same rest for our children and friends, that it may be well with them also.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

in awe of who He is.

another week has passed...
as i face a new week...
tears burn my eyes...
as i fall on my knees...

& ask for...
& Joy...

& i thank Him...
for His Mercy...
for His Love

His Lovingkindness...
is what pushes me...
to hold on & believe.
His Love is why...
He hasn't let go of my hand...
even if I'm loosing my grip.

I live by Faith & not by sight...
& I am amazed at His Faithfulness...
with what He's done...
& I am anticipating...
what He's getting ready to do...

I am in Awe of Who He is.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

classic case of watered down dreams.

A friend of mine sent this to me through email...& i'd like to share it with you. Try & take time to read it coz it inspired me somehow with everything i'm going through. I hope it encourages you, like it did to me, to find it in your heart to somehow dream again.

Present Day Hope: A Classic Case of Watered Down Dreams

We all have things that we are hoping for, dreaming of and desperately desire. I am sure we can each name several things that we would like to see come to pass, materialize - you know just happen. But what do you do when you are in between the conception and manifestation. Initially it is easy to live with the concept, but after a while it becomes harder to "keep the hope alive". It becomes easier to deaden the longing than live with a longing unmet in the wake of the harsh reality that screams "it will never happen". As crazy as it may seem our reality constantly sends messages straight to our brains that cause us to continually assess our present circumstances. However, our dreams reside in our hearts which creates a tug of war - heart vs. mind. Our mind is wired to process facts often gathered through observation, inquiry, confirmation, etc. but our hearts are designed to believe in possibilities that often border the impossible or supernatural realm.

Possibilities are fueled by faith and sustained by hope but often quenched by doubt and suppressed by fear. One of the hardest feats in life is to have hope in the midst of contrary circumstances. So how do we cope… well I can tell you how I cope. It's rather simple really; I water down my dreams to what I can manage and what my abilities can make happen. I take an inventory of my skills, talents and even gifts and draft a plan. Basically I reduce my dreams to attainable goals where some level of effort required but nothing considerable of course then that would be dreaming. Goals are easier to manage, track and eventually attain. It is like having a "to-do" list, goals are items you can cross off and put behind you. Personally it is too hard to hope and live all at the same time. Life has enough challenges without adding the heartache of unmet longings. There are so many demands on me from the world around me on any given day, week, month that it makes it almost unbearable to place a perpetual demand on myself to dream the impossible or believe the incredible.

What is crazy is that just when I have finished trading my dreams for goals and think I have solved the dilemma of hopelessness is when God stirs my desire for dream once again. He will send a messenger that says "Don't give up, Don't give in.. trust Me" or he will permeate my thoughts while I sleep with a vivid dream or he will simply use some nostalgic event to arouse my memory (an old school song, journal entry, picture). God is relentless, persistent but all the while a loving father who won't let us settle down for watered down dreams and won't even let us annihilate the desire to see the dream come to pass. God knows that our attempt to annihilate the hope of our dreams is a form of self mutilation as we kill off a piece of who we are - our hearts. He loves us too much to allow us to degenerate into dead men walking -merely just existing from day to day. If he wanted us to be void of a soul, he would have created us to function as robots. It is the hope of our dreams that connect us to the heart of God and provides an entry point for God to enter our hearts which in turn brings us life and sustains us. Hope expands our hearts to breathe in God but hope is not without its share of tears. Our tears create a pool of water where the greatest miracles can take place - like the turning of water into wine.

i FOUND the writer of this beautiful post... it was written & posted by Ese 

Wednesday, August 9, 2006


people see me & they hear me...

talk, laugh, cry, talk & laugh some more.

but they don't see past that....
they don't know what goes on in my head
and in my heart....

i may laugh a lot but i hardly ever smile....

i miss the feeling of having my heart smile with me.

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

the heart of a single mom.

moments of loneliness that no one fully understands...
unless you're a single parent...

i'd like to share with you....
what happens in the mind & the heart of most single moms
when the world is asleep....

sometimes i wake up just before dawn

and i get up from my bed & check on my son

i watch him in peaceful slumber
i give him a kiss on the cheek
& take a sniff at his hair

i smile as i think of all the things he's done & been through
& all the things he's getting ready to do

then i stand there
frozen in that instant
wanting...wishing somehow....

that in that moment i'd feel someone wrap his arms around me
& enjoy the stillness of time with me...

its in those very few times that i wish i had somebody to share my experiences with
from the past 6 years & 9 months that went by so fast

to have enjoyed the moment with someone when he was first born
to laugh with someone when my son does his crazy antics
to have seen someone else's face beam with pride when chino first rode his bike
to have had someone be there with me when he walked his first steps,
when he said his first words..first smile....
to have been with someone when he graduated from kindergarten
to cry on someone's shoulder when the stress of parenting & life gets to me
to have someone appreciate me because im raising my son well
im teaching him how to write, read & so much more
to have him come & share the burdens of raising a family
to help me...comfort me...caress me...make love to me.
someone i can have to share the joys, the pains, the emotions
someone to be strong for me...when i feel so weak.....
somebody to make me feel like the woman that i am....

because i wasn't created to go through this alone....

and during times like these....the loneliness gets to me
as i try to hold back the tears & go back to an empty bed

i curl up & hug my pillow & cry myself to sleep
& manage to whisper a prayer.....
hoping He sees & feels my pain.

& i try to gather all the strength i have in me to face the next day
coz i need to be strong for my son...i need to be strong for me.

Monday, August 7, 2006

hope for help.

Jeremiah - the weeping prophet....wrote this lament during one of the darkest hours of his amazes me how in the middle of sadness & pain....He chose to write about God's faithfulness.....and still do what God had asked him to do....even when it hurt him.

This also reminds me of how Jesus cried out to God, at the Garden of Gethsemane, to take the circumstance away from Him, knowing full well the pain He was about to endure....but nevertheless despite the agony...He chose to do God's will...coz He knew it was for something bigger than the actual pain He was going through at that moment....He fixed His eyes on eternal things and put His hope in God.....

oh that i may learn to unswervingly put my hope to the One who knows my beginning and my end.

It's a Good Thing to Hope for Help from God
Lamentations 3:20-33 (MSG)

I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.

God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times.

When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The "worst" is never the worst.

Why? Because the Master won't ever
walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
in throwing roadblocks in the way

Prayer: what else to say but forgive me my God for doubting and questioning you..forgive me for losing hope...give me abundant grace to live each day with praise in my mouth in the midst of confusion and me to wake up each morning & be grateful for your loving kindness.....

i surrender all to the offering of worship i feel so much pain & my heart breaks at the thought of not knowing what can happen...but you are all i i will trust in you...for you are my rock & salvation.... therefore i hope in You...thank you for being faithful even when i'm not....thank you for your great faithfulness & your loving kindness. I love you.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

summers before.

i would love to be able to fly out to the islands (either hawaii or to the philippines) and spend the rest of the hot summer days there....where i can feel the powder white sand underneath my feet, where time is on a stand still & you can shut out the world & relax while the cool but also warm blue waters invite you to dive in & bask in it...truly the beach is one of God's most wonderful creations...

summer reminds me of the fun times i had with my family back home...especially with my cousins...we'd always spend summer together on the beach (like 7 huge families or more), every year we would go to different beaches…from virgin beaches where there was no electricity & we slept in tents and had to deal with make shift holes in the grounds as our “bathrooms”, to crowded beaches which we always took dominion of...

and the first thing we'd do in the morning was to race & see who could get on the jetskis first....or we'd enjoy the fact of getting our arms pulled on while water skiing, hitting your face first as you fall on the water & it hurts like hell but you go and do it again anyway...or swim & swim & swim & play on the shore....or we’d snorkel or dive to our hears desire. we do that the whole day...we never get sick of the water...despite numerous jellyfish stings, near drowning experiences, lovers getting lost in the island, coral reef cuts, and so much more...

well of course i can't forget my favorite thing to do: my endless fascination with rubbing pure coconut oil & coke on me while i bake under the sun as i work on my tan while listening to the waves hit the the background kids scream & laugh, while others are listening to music, eating, gambling, cooking or drinking...or doing all of it at the same time...

then there's also playing a game or two of volleyball.....and making a bet for who will buy drinks that night, which makes the game so fun & can see the faces of people, with a mix of sweat & sunblock dripping down their chin...pretending to be serious but doing all they can do to cheat :) and after the game...we jump into the water once again

as the sun sets, usually everyone has their fill of inihaw na baboy & adobo & all the other good food...and after....we sit around with SMB *or mang jose or ginpom & yosi :)* at hand and tell each other's stories about the stupid & crazy stuff we'd use to do or still did...or we'd take scandalous pictures of relatives while they were unaware =)....and we'd laugh...and laugh...and laugh some more....until we all passed out on the sand....and we'd wake up in the morning with a bangin' head ache as the sun kissed our skin...and the only way to remove the head ache is to jump into the beautiful blue waters or get on that jet ski and let the adrenalin kick in...only to do the very same things all over again for about a 5 days straight.

those were the days...=( and i miss them ooohh sooo much...except of course for the head i'm a changed person now...hahaha ;)

as i look back, i realized how blessed i am to have experienced all that & more...& the best thing about it is i experienced it with the best family & relatives & i'm hoping that one day soon i can take chino back to the motherland & let him experience a little bit for himself part of my childhood, for him to feel our powder-like sand beaches, to be able to take diving lessons like the whole family did, to have the joy of being with 15 cousins as they play on the shore, & to see his great great grandma & hear her yell at him to eat breakfast before heading out the water.....

one day it'll day soon :)

by the way....i don’t really care for the beaches here in LA...they don't do God justice...really they don't. The water is polluted & cold & the sand is rough & dirty. whyyyy are our beaches here like that???

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


written on july 25, 06 @ 11:26 pm

i'm the end of my the end of myself

i have no where else to where else to turn....

but either move forward or take 2 steps back...

why do i feel like taking 2 steps back is the answer....

coz moving forward doesnt seem to be a viable option...

because i am hard pressed...

hard pressed...with time...with hopes...even just for my sanity....

for my reason to hold on & believe...

i've done all i seem to think i can do...

& i've waited for the answer in the still of the the moments of pain....

& yet all i hear is silence....

they say its always darkest before dawn....

it sure is dark where i am now.....

i'm blinded by the darkness...wishing for a glimmer of light...of hope

all i ask is for is that He holds on to me...

coz I don't have enough strength to hold on any longer....

the red wine & the music eases my mind....

as i sit here...tired...and still waiting....and hoping....

for that glimpse of i can continue to hold on.

help me to trust in You....even when it hurts so bad....

pls. hold my hand....

coz i'm wanting to let go....

please hold me in your arms.....

coz i need you to comfort me....

please whisper in my ear that you want what's best for me.....

coz i need to know that the pain im going through isn't in vain....

i don't wanna wait in vain.

Monday, July 24, 2006

hope deferred.

prov.13:2 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life (NIV)

prov. 13:12 Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick, but a sudden good break can turn life around (MSG)

my heart is so sick of all of feels like im living but im dead at the same time. i feel the numbness that u feel when people slap u & hit u in the face 101 times that you can't feel anything anymore...u want to feel something...but u can't.

help me God. give me something to hold on to...

Thursday, July 20, 2006

first love.

exactly 6 years & 9 months ago...i fell in love =) ...he never did anything for me to fall in love with him...i just did.....not a word was said, not a touch was given...nothing needed to be fact i fell in love with a stranger...yet somehow he wasn't a stranger....the first time i saw his heartbeat in the monitor...i knew that my heart was captured....

9 months of kicking, elbowing, nausea, waiting & excitement...i saw him for the very first time...July 21, 2000 at 8:55 pm after 12 hours of labor & an emergency c-section...i was brought face to face with my angel. As I looked at him, i felt a rush come through my head. A wave of emotions hit me...I was afraid yet joyful, I was ecstatic yet I thought to I ready for this?, I was excited to be a mother yet I was so nervous to even touch him....all these feelings in me that I've never felt before...and that's when I first knew that I was sooo much in love. This child in front of me, who was in me for 9 months & yet I had no idea "who" he was...grabbed a hold of my heart like no one else has...I knew then & there that cupid hit me & he hit me hard.

Now years after, he has learned to say "ma" to "mashan" to "mommy", i enjoyed seeing him drool & crawl & fall & walk & climb & now run all over the place...years of laughing together over silly things & crying over things that hurt us both....after many times of discipline & correction & even more times of hugs & praying together...throughout the years of evolving toys - from rattles & bottles to that big purple annoying dinosaur Barney, from blue's clues to talking vegetables, to soccer balls & baseballs, to spiderman & other marvel chararters & power rangers, to now watching "grown up movies" like disney's high school musical.....from hearing the cries & whines to the excitement in his voice when he tells me stories & the sincerety of the "i love yous & i miss yous"....I still love him as much as the very first time I saw him...All his endearing qualities just grew on me...yet the love hasn't changed. From the very first second i laid my eyes on him till now 6 years after...I still love him the same...He has done stuff to make me smile like no one else, and he has also hurt me numerous times...and yet I can't stop loving love for him only just deepens & deepens.

Looking back at the past 6 years made me realize that it's actually possible that we can love a person even if the person has never done anything to reciprocate the feeling back....we usually fall in love with people or love people because of things they do or because we've spent time with them, or because of being connected to them relationally or by affiliation...(like our parents, siblings, the "other half", or even friends). We as human beings don't usually love people just because. It usually takes a period of time & relationships have to be built to teach us how to love....But something happened to me that day....I learned for the very first time, the meaning of real, selfless, undying love...I loved him just because, not because of.... and the way i felt about my 1 day old baby that did nothing but cry & stare into oblivion is the same way i still feel about my 6 year old boy who now refuses to be kissed in public.

chino turns 6 today...he's not a baby anymore. He's actually excited that he's a "big boy" now...I, on the other hand, wishes that he won't grow up so fast =/ (sigh!) As I watch him sleep after staying up late to blow the candles on his cake & open his gift from me...I can't help but be thankful & grateful. I am amazed how God has entrusted to me such a wonderful gift. Really, chino has taught me so much in the past 6 years than I've ever learned in my entire lifetime...and I'm in awe of how much he has taught me to love & give of myself...and as I hear him snore makes me i remember the baby breaths & the late night cries...and now looking at him & the "man" God is making him to be....i can't help but smile & cry at the same time...overjoyed that my baby is now a year older....and because he's asleep...i steal the kisses that i treasure so much...& i hug him & squeeze him hard enough to wake him up & push me away...& I whisper in his ear happy birthday & i say a prayer & thank God for giving me the privilege to raise an angel and i thank God for giving me the chance to have the love that I never thought that I was possible to feel....much more even have.

now to steal a few more kisses & get my hug fix before i doze off.... =)

Sunday, July 16, 2006

the secret place

i find myself once again
in the secret place
consumed in His presence
wrapped in His embrace

as I lay there to rest
i feel it in my soul
time suddenly stands still
and everything is made whole

all my worries washed away
the peace that comes from above
is lavishly poured down on me
and I feel His endless love

i worship Him with all that I am
i am amazed with His grace
the King of all the universe
i stand with face to face

the same hands that shaped the mountains
now holds my hand to guide me
the same voice that calmed the storm
now comforts & pacifies me

i thank Him for all He's done
and all He's going to do
and i say in my heart
no one else compares to You

only in the secret place
is where i can be sure
that no matter what the obstacles
by His strength I can endure

- written by:
Songs of Solomon 1:4 "Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the King bring me into His chambers."

Psalm 91:1 "He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty"

Songs of Solomon 2:4-10
"He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love...Strengthen me, refresh me... for I am faint with love...His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me....Listen! My lover! Look! Here he comes, leaping across the mountains, bounding over the hills....My lover spoke and said to me, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me...the rains are over and gone....Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come...The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling See! The winter is past; my beautiful one, come with me."

Monday, July 10, 2006

magnet without men.

July 10, 2006 @ 9:09PM

read this saying on a magnet today as i was strolling around the lobby of the hilton hotel. The magnet said:

"Imagine a world without men....there would be no crime & lots of happy fat women!"

....that made my day :)

Thursday, July 6, 2006

broken and perfect.

written on July 6.2006 @ 11:55pm

A friend of mine sang the song "His strength is perfect" last wednesday night during our mid-week service....and it was the first time ever i've heard the song done acapella...with no background music...with no one else singing....just my friend singing it straight from his heart...& i've heard different versions of the song from different singers....but that night...i think i heard the best version of the song ever...

Ofcourse it helps that my friend has such an amazing voice (he's actually chino's favorite singer which says a lot)....but that night...the song ministered to me in a different way...i guess it's because of the way he sang...or maybe it was the stillness of the moment...the dimly lit room, the beauty of his voice, the lyrics that pierced my heart...the way people sat & listened in quiet adoration...

I really don't know exactly why...but that night I was liberated...something in me was struck me that i've been singing that song every day for the past 5 months now...(going on 6 coz it's July)....and those who know the real deal about my life, know that i've taken blow after blow after blow for the past 3 years...that i've been running this race and i'm tired...and I feel like i'm at the edge of a cliff....and i'm about to fall...

i don't know what to do anymore...and the people around me can't offer me anything else but their shoulder to cry on & their prayers, because there seems to be no answer....Not that this comes as a surprise either...I've been warned about this...numerous times by people close to me who have prayed for me...and even people who i barely know have given me a similar word or two about my circumstances.

I still remember the whisper in my heart 3 years ago (2003) on my birthday - "come to the end of yourself"....

"How do you know if you're there God? How do you know if you're at the end of yourself?" I asked myself those questions...and really, i didn't know the answers...

and I didn't know when I would get there...but I knew that I would feel it if it finally happened to me.

And I'm almost there...I know I'm almost there....I feel it in my soul...I've come to the point where I know I am almost at the end of myself. I've battled & I'm scarred, I'm tired & I'm broken. There's nothing like being broken...even the small things I've kept for myself...I finally am giving it's painful that my circumstances haven't changed for the past 3 years no matter how i've matter what I've tried to matter how hard I've tried to's torture to see dreams and prayers die...

and because of that...I am broken.

It's one thing to see God answering your specific prayers and being thankful because He has answered your's another thing when you feel His hand is upon you, disciplining you, honing you, molding you, and your prayers aren't answered and yet you choose to praise and continue to serve Him and obey Him...and you continue to believe...even if it hurts...

and the more it hurts...the more it pushes you to run all the more to Him....tired, weary legs trying to run to the loving arms of a Savior...yearning to find rest in His embrace.

As I was singing...I imagined myself breaking my alabaster jar...letting the sweet aroma of a contrite and broken spirit fill the room of His throne...there in my weakest...nearing the end of myself...the song spoke to my heart once again...but this time the truth of the song was revealed to me...not just head knowledge but accepting in my heart that my blessed assurance is not in Him answering my great as that may be...but in knowing that His strength is perfect & mine is not...coz my strength is gone....He is strong and I am weak & tired....and that only by His grace & power will I ever continue to have the grace to run this race...

And as I run to the arms of a loving Father...I feel His strength & His grace sustain me...coz just when i feel like I'm about to fall of the edge of the cliff...i feel His wind pick me up & help me to soar & fly....

Psalm 51:17The gifts on an altar that God wants are a broken spirit. O God, You will not hate a broken heart and a heart with no pride.(NLV)

Isaiah 40:31 But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint (AMP)


I'm giving You my heart
All that is within
I lay it all down
For the sake of You my King
I'm giving You my dreams laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride
For the promise of new life

And I Surrender
All to You, all to You

I'm singing You this song
I'm waiting at the Cross
All the world holds dear
I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You
For the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy
Even sharing in Your pain
-Lincoln Brewster

"I will strip you off everything...until you have nothing...
and only when you have nothing will you have Me...
and only when you have Me will you have everything"

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

fire burns.

Your fire burns within me
Burn within me with Your fire
Lift up your eyes and see
The Glory of the Lord in all the earth
Arise, Arise
Arise generation
no longer forsaken
Arise, Arise
I will not stop till every tribe and nation bows before you
I will not stop till they see your glory
King of Glory come in

-Jon Owens

Jeremiah 20:9 - if I say, "I will not mention Him or speak any more in His name, His Word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in, indeed, I cannot. "

Your fire burns within me..burn within me with Your fire...My King...may Your fire burn within me...may it consume the very core of my being. As you refine me with Your fire...may I learn to stand in the midst of the flames - the difficulties of life, the molding of my character, the testing of my faith - so I may come out as pure gold, a sweet smeling aroma to You....I choose to live to please You, to speak Your hold fast to Your promises...not letting go...not shrinking back...but running...with reckless abandon...with tenacious faith...running to win this race & win the prize...the prize of spending eternity in Your presence.

I will not stop...till i see every tongue & nation bow before you...because You deserve to be praised. You are worthy to be praised & it's worth all my energy & all my speak about write about show the world how madly in love I am with live my life as a living sacrifice for You...saying NO to what I want to do...& saying Yes to what You ask of me to do...

Arise Generation...No longer forsaken...because You have not forsaken me, because even before I loved You, You loved me & died for me...I choose to make this stand...No longer am I abandoned, no longer am I alone...and as Your daughter, the princess of the King, I arise & take my stand, to win back what rightfully belongs to You my King...the fatherless generation who is crying out for a father...i will arise & speak of Your loving-kindness that is better than life...& i will tell the world of Your love...tell the world of the hope...tell the world that they no longer are forsaken, because You are there...waiting with arms wide open...for your children to run into Your arms of love.

Romans 8:15-16 - God's Spirit doesn't make us slaves who are afraid of him. Instead, we become his children and call him our Father. God's Spirit makes us sure that we are his children.

Monday, June 19, 2006

fatherless day.

written on June 19, 2006 @ 7:41pm

So what does one do to celebrate Father's day when you don't have a father in your family?

Yesterday, the world celebrated Father's Day....& although i'm blessed to have 2 fathers in my life...i wasn't really in the mood to rejoice....because raising a son on my heart saw no reason to celebrate the occasion in my own lil' family (meaning me & christian).

My son...excited that about the fact that it was Father's day, made Father's day cards for his grandpa, his grand-uncle & one of his uncles. As i saw one of the cards he wrote, i couldn’t help but push my tears back....he wrote "happy father's day dad...from Christian"

I had to explain to him that although he has "father-figures" in his life...he can't really call them dad....because they aren't his dad...he looked at me with eyes that tried to understand the situation...but really he couldn't...i could see the questions arising in his head...but he just chose to say i just took him in my arms & hugged him coz...he just smiled at me & said "i love you mom"...& went on his way to play with his cousins..

And i just sat there...wanting to be numb...wanting to curl up & cry...feeling sorry...not for myself but for my son who has no idea of what it feels like to have a father...or even know his father...What does a mother do when her child has so many questions but has no answers to give? What do you do when you feel overwhelmed with emotions because no amount of consolation or bible verses or sympathy will ever cover the pain of seeing the hurt in your son's eyes? And then the pain of having no one by my side to share this experience with....i thought i could just push back the tears...coz i've cried about this so many times already...but i couldn't. The tears just came pouring down

Some people have said that you will never know what love really feels like till you have your own's the selfless love you want to be able to bear the pain just so that your child doesn't have want to give the world just to see him want to create a place of refuge in a world that's bound to give him pain....Then imagine taking that to another level & facing all of that on your own...aahhh the joys & pains of being a single parent. The emotional roller will never know about the emotions unless you're there...sometimes it seems like everything is okay...then the next minute it just seems like too much... where do I get the strength to take on the burden? Where can I go to ease this pain?

Then it hit me...that a Man long ago, gave Himself & poured out His life, because He couldn't stand to see His children hurt & bear the pain & weight of He chose to die & give His life as a ransom for many so that those who accept Him may live. The Ultimate Sacrifice, the most selfless love, happened at Calvary & it happened for you & me. The Father so loved the world...that He gave His only that whoever believes in Him shall live. (John 3:16)

And the more I pondered about that...I felt the weight lifted off my shoulders...because I know that my son, though he doesn't have an earthly father, has a Heavenly Father who will love him beyond any father ever will. And though this life may give him pain, I know his Dad ultimately has good things in store for Christian....because if He gave His Son...He can give my son so much more than I can. (Rom. 8:32)

Also, it has taught me, once again, that God doesn't take me out of situations to make my life easier...He makes me stay there & He teaches me to be stronger (James 1:2-4). The pain won't disappear, it's still there....but in His presence, in His Promises, there is fullness of joy...that despite the pain, despite the hurts, there is still joy...there is still hope....because the joy & the hope is not based on my circumstances...but on knowing WHO HE IS...and that HE KNOWS exactly what I'm going through...

As I thought about how God the Father must have felt when Jesus, His only Son was beaten, was hurt, was killed, I imagined the pain of a parent...a Single Father...alone..with no one to share the hurt with as He watched His Son die...just so the world may have hope to live...I couldn't help but not be amazed...that He who holds the world in the palm of His hand knows how I feel because He Himself went through it. And that alone gives me grace & strength to go on & face the world...although physically, I am alone....I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me. (Ps. 27:10)

And because of that...I celebrated the rest of Father's Day with joy & peace in my heart for the first time in years & i look forward to celebrating it through out the years...because's never going to be a Fatherless Day...because we have a Father, who loves us beyond measure or compare.

John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.

Romans 8:32Since God did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won't God, who gave us Christ, also give us everything else?

James 1:2 -4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Psalm 27:10 Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive m

Thursday, June 15, 2006

living but not alive.

Chasing a dream
So many things
Capture my affection
Running ahead I've been a mess
Loosing my perspective
This is my obsession
Always chasing the wind
Left with nothing in the end

It's meaningless without you
Meaningless these treasures I possess
Only you can satisfy
Only you sustain my life
Without you
It's meaningless

Feeling you near
It's coming clear
You've got my attention
Filling the void
Killing the noise
Focus my direction
With intimate insistence
You overwhelm my senses
All I need is before me now

I'm breathing but I can't survive
I'm living but I'm not alive
without You

-Anthony Evans

Philippians 3:7-11 - But everything that was a gain to me, I have considered to be a loss because of Christ. More than that, I also consider everything to be a loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. Because of Him I have suffered the loss of all things and consider them filth, so that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own from the law, but one that is through faith in Christ - the righteousness from God based on faith. [my goal] is to know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, assuming that I will somehow reach the resurrection from among the dead. (HCSB)

My God, I pray that my soul will yearn daily for you, as the deer pants for the water, as a dry land cries out for rain. May i learn to consider all things a possessions, my hopes, my dreams, my circumstances, everything i hold dear to my heart....all things are rubbish compared to knowing becoming more & more like be found by be able to enter the throne room of grace and be in your look at the beauty and the glory of your know your power, to share your be conformed in the likeness of my King...the gentle Lamb who gave His life for me & considered it all that I may live...Thank you my Lord..for giving me your breath of life.

"I'm living but I'm not alive without you..."

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

praise you in this storm.

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen"
and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am

Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

-Casting Crowns

"Job 13:14-16 Because even if he killed me, I'd keep on hoping. I'd defend my innocence to the very end. Just wait, this is going to work out for the best—my salvation!"

Friday, June 9, 2006

healthy insanity.

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4 Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8. Speak and Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . forward this to someone to make them smile and laugh. Its called therapy.

-from Trina =)

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

in you.

written on May 30, 2006 @3:35PM

I feel so numb,

it's like i'm barely breathing

and i'm drowning in my tears.

My heart grieves.

I long for an answer,

a touch, an embrace.

To hear Your voice say "it's gonna be ok".

For someone who has faced numerous battles

and taught herself to be strong,

I suddenly finds myself backed in a corner,

no where to go, no where to run.

That vulnerable feeling that I despise the most.

Circumstances that's supposed to teach me to be strong

is making me feel so weak.

As the wind pushes and tosses me from side to side,

I ask You..."God are You asleep?"

"do You not see?"

and You say "oh you of little faith.."

with one word can't circumstances change in a second?

I simply bow down and worship and ask

that you give me Your joy

for it is my strength.

My strength to run, to laugh, to live.

To know that my hope is in You.

written by:

Nehemiah 8:10b "Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength"

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

our careful unbelief

. . do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on —Matthew 6:25

Jesus summed up commonsense carefulness in the life of a disciple as unbelief. If we have received the Spirit of God, He will squeeze right through our lives, as if to ask, "Now where do I come into this relationship, this vacation you have planned, or these new books you want to read?" And He always presses the point until we learn to make Him our first consideration. Whenever we put other things first, there is confusion.

". . . do not worry about your life . . . ." Don’t take the pressure of your provision upon yourself. It is not only wrong to worry, it is unbelief; worrying means we do not believe that God can look after the practical details of our lives, and it is never anything but those details that worry us. Have you ever noticed what Jesus said would choke the Word He puts in us? Is it the devil? No— "the cares of this world" Mat. 13:22. It is always our little worries. We say, "I will not trust when I cannot see"— and that is where unbelief begins. The only cure for unbelief is obedience to the Spirit.

The greatest word of Jesus to His disciples is abandon.

-Oswald Chambers (my utmost for his highest)

"Prov: 3:5 Teach me to trust in you with all of my heart and not to lean on my own understanding..."

Tuesday, February 7, 2006



He has captivated my heart like never before....
The Lover of my Soul in whom my heart delights in....
Daily I find a new reason to fall in love with Him even more....
He calls me His Bride...He's adorned me with crown & jewels....
He says I'm His queen & He is my King....
I think of Him & blood rushes to my head & my thoughts start to wander....
I can't eat...can't sleep...can't think....
I get so lost in His gaze....the beauty of His face....
I am truly privileged to see Him face to face....
In the arms of my Lover I've never felt so secure....
He is the addiction of my soul....
I crave, I long, I want, I desire, I adore....
I passionately pursue the One who gives me a reason...
To live - To move - To breathe....

Yes....He is my One....
The One in whom my heart delights in.

My Jesus.

written by: